It was my day off yesterday - kept very busy running errands before my trip to Chicago for V day (without H). We ended up catching a movie after his return from work (Million Dollar Baby) and halfway through the movie I got overwhelmed with sadness and resentment towards H. Just the images of him and OW kissing and holding hands came flooding over me. I pulled away and as we were walking out he noticed that I'm not okay.
Well, it was either me blowing up or keeping my mouth shot and hoping it will pass. I chose the second option but he thought I was giving him a silence tx. We ended up having another R talk where I told him that it will take time for me to get used to it and to forget the pain (will never forget his actions though). He of course brought up the reason for his actions which of course pointed finger at me. Hate when he just makes sure that I know it was all "my fault". I chose to validate but gently let him know that yes, I might have been a part of the problem and the reason for the way he felt but I was not the one that made the choice of him having an affair. That's his responsibility to take. We were okay after that, today it's perfect (he e-mails me, texted me etc) but I have an issue now.
Apparently his anti-depressents ARE effecting his sex drive to the point that he is turning me down (feels bad about it or at least tells me he does) and I don't want to get the same feelings he did about me that led to the whole mess in the first place. Maybe he will talk to his shrink about it and maybe he will switch the meds. For now it's not really an issue but I'm foreseeing it as such if things continue like that. Maybe it's still resentment talking - he feels justified about what happenend even though he regrets it.
