Quote: He just got off the phone with his mother, he asked her about the picture of OW (he told me not to get pissed that he talked to her about it) and she said that when she spoke with me last she still did not see that picture. I told him that was not the point. I did not care if she ever actually got to see it - the point is she knew about her and requested the visual.
Remember, his Mom requesting something is HER issue, not yours. You don't own that, she does.
Quote: But anyway. We talked for about an hour voicing our fears and hang ups, it put uf both in bad mood but I guess it's part of the process. Now the goal is (for me at least) to act AS IF, be upbeat and carefree for the longest time before another R talk happens (if it happens). He took a day off tomorrow (I have errands to run but we will be spending majority of 3 day weekend together) so we'll be doing a lot of DBing.
You are expressing your fears and hang ups. He is expressing his fears and hang ups. That is awesome. He feels like he can talk to you about these things. It may hurt, but you're talking and being open and honest. And he listened to your fears and hang ups? That's great too. The feeling are there. Just process them. He's talking to you. You're talking to him. Be validating, his fears are his. Next step: find out what his needs and wants are. They may hurt, but you're talking! Openly! That's awesome...
I know the bad feeling and the past hurt is surfacing, don't let that kill your PMA. Getting this stuff out in the open and processing it is a good step, the pain will be worth it. You have endured so much, what is a few more months with openeness, love, and feelings, bad or good?
I remember the very first time we ever spoke. It was on my thread here. I've had technical problems with my computer and been away a while. It's taking me ages to catch up with everyone's news. But all I can say is well done. You are doing very well.
Ohio is giving you excellent advice. Keep up with that PMA and don't get to involved with whatever MIL is up to.
Quote: So keep on pounding me with 2x4 each and every time I slip. I really don't want to lose this chance because suddenly I"m the one dwelling on the past.
Something I was reading in The Matery of Love book was that if we don't forgive people something in the past, we are punishing them over and over again for the same thing. And there's a limit to how often any one likes to be punished for a 'crime' before they rebel...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hey guys! Sorry I've been silent for several days but life is crazy on my side of the screen. Things are going great. He took a Friday off from work so we could spend 3 day weekend and so far we've been unseparable. We've been ML, hanging out, eating out, shopping (he bought me a gorgeous baby blue coat for V-day, I bought him whole bunch of shirts, sweaters etc) and just hugging, kissing and snuggling. We are working on the house together and it's such a great feeling to know that what you thought you were about to loose is yours again and it's only getting better.
He's been speaking my LL (quality time) this whole weekend pretty much not touching any of his freelance stuff which is so important to him. I've been extremely affectionate and I'm the one who initiates ML to the point that he is asking for a break! Now that's a role reversal. He admitted that the anti=depressants might be lowering his drive but it's probably also the fact that it used to build up in him before I would allow the release and now I"m ready 24/7 . I told him that I never want anything forced and I don't want the roles to reverse completely to the point where I"m the sexually starved/frustrated one and he is the avoiding one. I asked him to be honest with me and let me know when he is not in the mood and I'll deal with it because I know that I will still get my release through snuggling, kissing and hugging which is now VERY important to me.
I'm trying to avoid being on the computer when he is around because he feels insecure that I"m talking to other people (don't want him to think I have an internet affair ) so I'll be active on BB when at work. I'm hoping to catch up on everyone's threads at that time so please forgive me for not doing it right now.
Just wanted to let everyone know: I LOVE YOU PEOPLE! You were my angels (still are) when things were dark and horrible. I feel that the only reason why I"m experiencing that joy (one of my friends told me she can't stand how happy I am now - she is also going through the D and it's not going to change - it's too far gone and she has a lot of her issues that she is never planning on working out) is because I found this place and I found you all. I want to be able to help in your quests so please, if there is any information, anything at all that I can provide - do ask!
Congratulations Crushed! I am so happy for you. All your hard work made you a better person and now you can enjoy the rewards you worked so hard to receive. Your story gives all of us here hope! Again I am so happy for you. Enjoy.
Just checking in with you..I read your entire thread..Wow..I can't believe how far you have come..
Pamislost told me to stop by your thread.
Wanted to get your advice. H left in August..Came home a few days ago.. Wanted to see if things can work out..He is still confused..Not sure of what he wants..Is trying for a month, etc..We spent the whole weekend together..With friends, etc..As for the sex thing, we used to have it all the time. Since he has been home, only once and H said it was strange..Said I acted more aggressive..He used to complain that I didn't initiate enough..
Anyway, OW is out of the picture for now..I know he isn't over her yet..BUt wanted to come back to see if things are differnt.
He tells me he loves me..But he refers to himself as a loser, etc.
I would LOVE Him to go on an anitdepressant..How did you get your H to do that? My H admitted he needs one..
In one of my earlier threads (I think it was the first one "is it over?" I described a situation when my H freaked out as I was going out. He had a nervous breakd down/melt down and I had to give him my anti anxiety medication to calm him down. I called his stepdad that seems to have some influence on him and spoke with him about the need of my H to go see a psychiatrist. He agreed and I guess talked to my H about it. At first my H seemed to be totally for going to see a specialist but after couple of days he decided that he is "not there yet" and he can take care of things himself. I pressured him a little but to no avail. Pretty much it has to be their choice to see help in order for it to be effective. I think what made a difference was the fact that I was totally open and honest about the fact that I was seeing one (psychiatrist) and he was already seeing changes in me that were good. I think it got him interested in the power of seeing a professional help. At first he was not on any meds (for the first month or so of seeing the psychiatrist) but I guess he was honest with the doctor and they came to mutual agreement that he needs to start on something.
As for ML and him saying that it feels strange - well, that's exactly how my H was behaving/reacting at the beginning. After DBing we are different people, our WAS are different as well (the mental anguish they went through changes their whole outlook on life). They need to get used to us all over again. My H was very honest about the fact that he was no attracted to me and that he did not feel anything when we had sex (we definitelly were not ML at the time of his "confusion"- it was sex only) to the point of being cruel. I started to feel the same way after a while and therefore I completely understand what he was going through but based on what's going on now I know it can pass because it did for us.
Let him experience you (maybe talk to him about his expectations and needs but also voice yours - you cannot be in the dark about what needs to be done for the M to get better - it is your opportunity as well as his to permanently fix the problems and issues) and just give him time. For some people it takes longer than for others, keep in mind that things did not get bad (before he walked away) overnight - whatever caused our WAS to become just that took time. It will take time to undo itself.
Hope that this helped a bit. Let me know if I need to be more specific.
Just got an e-mail from H and he contacted his L to drop the D. It's going to be dismissal without prejudice. He also told me how happy and relaxed he is around me now. I'm really having a good feeling about it. I still struggle with the trust and the demons of OW popping in front of my eyes but I'm trying not to show it. Stop signs and all full force
Thank you so much for your reply..I, too, see a psychiatrist and H has DEFINITELY noticed a difference. One of the main reasons he wants to try again..
I really don't think he will see one. He has asked me if I have any medication for him..I know that is a no no, but I may call his primary care physician and discuss the problem with him. Maybe even make an appointment. This doctor was also FIL doctor so he knows the history of H's family..FIL was a MAJOR alcoholic, which can be a result of depression, too.
I am going to tread lightly on this subject. I need to do that when the time is right..
How long did it take for you two to act like a couple again?H returned home last week, and in a way, he was more lovey dovey tome when he wasn't living here.. Now I believe he is scared and watching my every move.
My H never moved out (I was supposed to be the one to move) and that probably was the reason that he was acting like a couple again from the very beginning. Cautious first because I wasn't giving him clear indication if this is what I want but once I told him I'm willing to try it was like honeymoon again.
You can always have the primary MD prescribe the medication but I would strongly suggest that the MD makes him understand that for longer term (over 3 months) of use it really needs to be managed by specialist (psychiatrist).
I think you're doing great. Just take it one day at a time, do understand that things are not in the clear for a long time but be positive because that's how you will come across. We might not agree with what happened but the WAS go through a lot of pain before, during and after making the decision to walk away on us. Once they are back it's really important to make it safe for them but also make them understand that it's a team work from now on.
Now that's a role reversal. He admitted that the anti=depressants might be lowering his drive but it's probably also the fact that it used to build up in him before I would allow the release 
and now I"m ready 24/7 
. I told him that I never want anything forced and I don't want the roles to reverse completely to the point where I"m the sexually starved/frustrated one and he is the avoiding one. I asked him to be honest with me and let me know when he is not in the mood and I'll deal with it because I know that I will still get my release through snuggling, kissing and hugging which is now VERY important to me.
