Darn........I'm not doing well today. I am sooooooooo strugling with the trust issue. The R talk that lead to my H telling me that he still loves me and he is confused and doesn't know anymore if he wants the D (that's a convo we had a night befor he asked me for another chance) was prompted by me using his computer and seeing that he renamed the file with OW's pictures to her initials only instead of her name (couple of days earlier I told him I knew he had her pictures on the comp). At that time I asked him what was the point of renaming - it's not for my benefit because it doesn't matter anymore, it only shows how un-trustworthy he is. He told me at that time that I can just delete the file, I said I won't do it cous it's not my place to make that move plus he probably has the pictures saved in his e-mail anyway. He said no.

So, this morning (it's my day off) I decided to do a little test of his trust. I went down to his studio on checked his computer - the file is not only still there but on Sunday in the PM (the day when he asked me to work on M again) there was a zip file created with her pictures in it. Now, I don't know anything about MAC comps (that is what he uses) but my feeling is he created a back up so he can take the folder off the computer but still have the pictures.

That was a small thing that would show me that I can START trusting him again and he failed. What hurts me is that he KNEW how I felt about that folder, we talked about it, he told me to delete it yet day later he was fiddling with it (can't claim that he forgot to delete it) and making back ups.

What sucks is that all day yesterday he was e-mailing me being supportive about my work sitch (I had to let go 2 people) and once I got home we were kissing and hugging and ML in the kitchen (something he always wanted to do) and later again we ML in bed. This morning as he was leaving for work he came over to kiss me and tell me he loves me (twice) and this is what I'm faced with now.

I don't know what to do...do I wait and see if the folder will get deleted (although I will never know if he made a back up because he has so many disks and CDs) or confront him about it in a civil way. He is not giving me anything to build my trust on, quite the opposite - I keep sinking deeper into the hole of no trust. If I'm his back up plan, if he is just worried about finanaces (MovingForward's sitch opens that posibility) or he is just plain confused and doesn't want to commit to either choice but once I move out he might have to and he is stringing me along until he figures out what he really wants.

I'm tired. Cut the crap and let me move on because I was in the good place before he asked me to reconsider. I was hurting but at peace with it. I was ready to start over. Now I'm feeling more pain, doubt and anger. That's not healthy and no R can be build on that.

So what do I do?