On the other hand, my feelings are not 100% consistent.
Today was our weekly appointment with the sex therapist - the one we were seeing, up until 3 weeks ago, to figure out why sex just wasn't working between us for the last 21 years of our 22 year marriage.
Two weeks ago we told her we had figured out the basic issue, one week ago we talked about our relationship and our commitment, and this week...
...this week I fell apart. An hour before the appointment, I got a bad headache and couldn't think straight at work. I was overwhelmed by the heartache of knowing that Esther will probably never have the same romantic or sexual attraction to me that I have to her, feeling like I'm just a burden to her, the man she's married to instead of some woman she'd like to meet, afraid of me losing it and having an affair or her losing it and having an affair, afraid that she doesn't want me and just doesn't want to break her promise to me, afraid of trying hard at this and then being alone in our old age, afraid of the drag my moodiness is putting on Esther...
Got to the appointment, and the therapist asked how we were doing. Esther said something non-committal, I couldn't speak. The therapist mentioned that I looked like I was on the edge, and I started trying to talk. I couldn't open my eyes, my head was hurting bad, I was crying and having a hard time breathing or articulating. I managed somehow to mumble out the kinds of fears described above. The whole time, Esther is stroking my hand, reassuring me, telling me that she really does want me, can be patient with me, that she knows this is hard.
I got to where I just couldn't talk, and asked the therapist to lead the conversation. She moved on to another topic, one that involved primarily Esther. I grabbed some Kleenex, blew my nose, and a lot of the tension and heaviness drained out of my body over the next 10 minutes.
I'm OK again now. But I'm so these days, up and down and all over the map. I may need to tell my boss that I'm going through some difficulties, because I'm having a hard time concentrating at work.
