When a women forces chastity upon a HD christian male, she has just placed upon him an unbelievable burden and torment. Books have been written about the unbelieveable burden that men must carry. Women have no such burden, they have nothing in their body that PHYSICALLY drives them to sin in such a manner
How can you even say that? Women get forced into sexless, loveless, verbal abuse marriages too CeMar. Stop making generalizations.
Quote: sexual orientation has less to do with who you can enjoy having sex with and more to do with who you can "fall in love" with.
This got me thinking about the different gender choices we make in the course of our lives. I go to a femle ob/gyn and a female hair stylist. I like to be "cared for" by females. If I needed a lawyer, I would more than likely choose a male. When my H and I did MC, I was thinking that I'd rather go to a woman but I felt my H would do better with a man. We're making sex oriented decisions every day.
I am heterosexual because I tend to fall for men who are taller than me and have strong chests---I somehow have bought into the " tall, dark and handsome" thing. It's easier for me to go this route and I really don't know how much is mental vs. biological. This is really superficial thinking and not what love is all about.
Being the romantic that I am, my hope is that Jonathan and his W are able to create a sex life based on their deep love for each other. It sounds like she has been trying to figure out what turns her on and pictures of women seem to do it for her. I really wouldn't call that an orientation, and sometimes what is forbidden is what we desire.
I really feel for all of us in long term relationships...the superficial, easy attraction is gone and we have to reach deeper to get to those feelings. Meanwhile our bodies are aging and life stresses take their toll. Add to that resentments and anger over past issues and it's amazing anyone has a decent sex life.
Jon, I hear you talking a lot about what you will do with this new knowledge.
What is your wife willing to do for YOU? She has now unilaterally forced you into a sexless marriage. Is she okay with that? Does she have any plans to 'help' you out from time to time? How can she, if she truly loves you as you say she does, live with herself if that is her plan?
It seems so heartless and selfish to me.
I get what you're saying about the headache and all, but IRL if you did have a headache, you'd probably reach for the bottle of aspirin.
As far as women checking out other women, my vote would be that they do it simply because women are beautiful. I check out other women for a variety of reasons, from liking the shirt they have on, to thinking they have a killer booty, to wondering why anyone would think it is sexy to have your thong hanging out the back of your pants. Mostly just cause they're beautiful, though. I also check out cars fresh from the carwash and this new church up the street that is absolutely stunning.
Again, Jon, I don't think that her being aroused by women makes her a lesbian. Can you broach that convo with her and see what comes of it?
But don't you find it suspicious that she is basing her entire orientation on the fact that she likes looking at naked pictures of women?
If I were bolete, I'd be trying to gently continue the conversation to get at the heart of the matter. Especially since they are committed to staying married. If she was wanting out of the M, I'd say more power to her..but she's not. She is holding his sexuality hostage along with her own. So she'd better be DAMN sure that she is correct in her thinking and is not letting naivete lead her into a declaration of something she's not. Being aroused by naked chicks does not a lesbian make. For the record, I do trust that what she is saying is true, but I also think she needs to begin thinking towards the next step: How will I live as a WIFE to a MAN while internally being attracted to women? She can't have it both ways, I guess is what my gut feeling is.
However, it's not my M and I wish the both of them the best of luck in whatever path they choose.
Quote: If I needed a lawyer, I would more than likely choose a male.
You better hope that Ms.HD never starts reading this board or you are in BIG TROUBLE.
I like what StubbornDyke said about Bolete's wife being a lesbian because she says she's a lesbian. This is common sense talking. Your sexual identity is exactly what you identify it to be. How much flexibility you have in self-identifying probably depends on all sorts of genetic, hormonal, psychological, cultural and environmental factors. One reason I know that I am strongly heterosexual is that I did have quite hot sex with a very attractive woman who I cared about as a friend and yet I had no desire to carry on a sexual relationship with her. One reason I know that I am high drive is that I can have quite hot sex even with another woman. I could self-identify as bisexual because I know I can enjoy sex with another woman but I don't self-identify as bisexual because I have no desire to form sexual relationships with other women and I am generally not sexually attracted to women. I like seeing beautiful women naked, like HP said, because I like seeing all sorts of unique and beautiful things, but I don't have the urge to touch or be touched like I do when I'm in the presence of a sexually attractive man.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: But don't you find it suspicious that she is basing her entire orientation on the fact that she likes looking at naked pictures of women?
I guess I don't see that she's doing that. It may be the easiest piece to verbalize, or the revelation that opened her eyes, but I don't get the feeling that she's so simplistic in her thinking.
This may not be true for everyone, but for me, being a lesbian means wanting to be with a woman. For Jonathan's sake, I'm worried that's where W's evolution will lead her.
I don't agree that she's holding his sexuality hostage any more than he is holding hers. Everybody is an adult and has to make their own choices. It pains me to think how difficult those choices are.
I do agree with everything else you say, especially in wishing them the best.
Quote: Sexual orientation has less to do with who you can enjoy having sex with and more to do with who you can "fall in love" with.
In some ways, that part hurts even more. I'm aware that my wife's love is very real, but she is not and never has been deeply attracted to me the same way I am to her. I didn't know that in our early marriage (I'm good at projection and denial).
Quote: I know that one of the reasons I had sex with my female friend in college was because I had a crush on her boyfriend.
I can't imagine having sex with a guy because I had a crush on his girlfriend. Are straight women more likely to feel this way than straight men?
Quote: What is your wife willing to do for YOU? She has now unilaterally forced you into a sexless marriage. Is she okay with that?
We've been mostly sexless for 21 years now, and it's always been tough. We talk about this, she's aware of the pain, she's caring and listens well when we discuss this, but she also has a strong aversion.
Quote: Does she have any plans to 'help' you out from time to time? How can she, if she truly loves you as you say she does, live with herself if that is her plan?
Well, this new revelation is less than two weeks old (three for her). This may explain a lot of our sexual problems. But we're both still adjusting to the idea, and there's a lot to deal with. I do think I have to give her time. And right now she needs space and patience.
Quote: I get what you're saying about the headache and all, but IRL if you did have a headache, you'd probably reach for the bottle of aspirin.
You know what I like about aspirin? It's morally neutral, you don't get entangled with it or fall in love with it. It doesn't destroy your relationships.
Quote: As far as women checking out other women, my vote would be that they do it simply because women are beautiful.
No argument there ;->
Quote: Again, Jon, I don't think that her being aroused by women makes her a lesbian. Can you broach that convo with her and see what comes of it?
Not really, not without presuming to be an expert on who is and who is not a lesbian, pretending to know more about how she processes the world than she does. And not without defining terms - 'lesbian' is actually a very, very vague term when you think about it.
I could self-identify as bisexual because I know I can enjoy sex with another woman but I don't self-identify as bisexual because I have no desire to form sexual relationships with other women and I am generally not sexually attracted to women. I like seeing beautiful women naked, like HP said, because I like seeing all sorts of unique and beautiful things, but I don't have the urge to touch or be touched like I do when I'm in the presence of a sexually attractive man.