Yeah, sexless marriage is really, really tough, regardless of your belief system. I can't speak for all religions, or for all Christians, but let me try to say a few things about my own perspective on being a sexless and frustrated married Christian.
But let me also be clear that I have really messed up at times - I've already talked about the two brief affairs I had. There are plenty of other ways I've messed up over the years, by being harsh, demanding, etc., and I wish I could have been a better husband to my wife. I've been getting better over time.
I can relate to the 'unpleasant test', but it's not just that for me. When I put pressure on my wife to have sex, it does become an unpleasant task, because at least so far, she puts up a big wall to me in all ways. But you know, there is a lot of suffering in life, always has been, and it doesn't always make sense. Sexlessness in marriage doesn't make sense. Being married to a lesbian doesn't make sense. Job's life didn't make sense either. God never promises that we'll understand why.
I also think it's important to pay attention to what Jesus criticized in the Pharisees, that they "load men down with burdens too heavy to bear, and lift not a finger to help". I want to be careful not to load my wife down beyond what she can bear, and to be there to help her carry her burden.
He does call us to love and serve others - our wifes, our neighbors, our enemies. Frankly, there are times that I feel like my wife fits in one of these categories, times that I feel like she fits in another, but that doesn't relieve me of the obligation to love her. I don't think that Christian love thinks in terms of what needs another person is meeting for me, but what needs of the other person I can meet. When I listen to Esther, show concern, try to understand the subtext of what she is saying, that breaks down walls, and we do feel close. I don't know if you can relate to this, but I do feel that having someone who understands me, who I share my whole life, whom I have known for 28 years and intend to grow old with - that's a real blessing to me.
Of course, there's the sexlessness part. Ouch. That hurts. But I don't cut my head off because I have a headache. We're working hard on strengthening all the other aspects of our marriage, because we know there's a big challenge on the sex front. The rest of it has to hold together.
Don't know if this makes sense to you, but that's pretty much where I'm coming from. Hope this helps!
