This is helpful, and I'm listening, even if I'm slow to grasp some of this.
Quote: Gosh, maybe, but I can't think what off the top of my head. All I can tell you, to try to get an inkling of what W is going through, is to imagine what it would be like if you were gay. It may be hard for you to imagine being attracted to men, but suppose you could wrap your brain around that. Then what? What could you imagine your life being like (even without the complication of a current R)? What would daily life be like if you dated or lived with a man?
But so far, and I hope this continues, she's agreeing not to date or live with anybody except me. I guess I could try to imagine if I were not sexually interested in my wife, if I had an aversion to having sex with her, and were drawn to sex with men. Honestly, after typing that in, I just started laughing, because I can't imagine not being drawn to my wife, and I can't imagine being sexually attracted to men. I've had gay friends, and I've been in gay bars, but...it's a lot easier to imagine having an aversion to sex with my wife and strong attraction to other women.
And a lot of what she's going through is dealing with the fact that she *is* married to me, *not* sexually attracted to me, and dealing with my attraction to her. She's wrestling with her identity and the meaning of our marriage. But so far, not with dating or living with other women.
Quote: Maybe she wishes that you would listen like a woman. Maybe she loves you because you do.
I think maybe the latter - I usually do listen well. We like to hold each other and talk, and we've been doing an awful lot of that lately. It's been intense.
Quote: Maybe she'd like it better if you were smoother and softer.
I'm sure that part is true. At times I've been shaving twice a day, trying to be smooth for her, and I'm not at all hirsute. When I started running, lost a lot of weight, and firmed up, she complained that I have become less huggable. Sigh. I survive life a lot better when I'm in shape.
Quote: I don't know. You can't be a woman, but you can be willing to be more like a woman in ways that W would appreciate. If that's the case, then find a non-pressuring way to let her know that. Start by focusing on the non-sex aspects.
I'm going to have to chew on this for a while. In some ways, I'm more female than my wife - more emotional, more moody, more verbal, a better listener. But when it comes to smooth, soft, and huggable, I don't seem to be that. When I ask her what she longs for in a woman, she talks about physical things - breasts, genitals like her own, being able to touch someone else and feel what it feels like by touching her own body...and that's not stuff I know how to do for her.
Quote: I'm hoping that y'all are able to maintain a sense of humor throughout. "Oh honey, that's okay. I'll just get a sex change and everything will be fine. Then we can go to the women's music festivals together and everything."
Hey, humor is one thing we do reasonably well at. We *have* been laughing about this.
Quote: BTW, does W know about your affairs? And why is nobody willing to stay together for the kids?
She does - but these affairs were in 1993 and 1994, so it's not quite current history. And they were brief (a one-time affair and a 3-time affair).
If we decided to withdraw from the marriage emotionally, we would have to decide whether to still stay together for the kids. But since we're staying together for us, we're still together for the kids. Perhaps I wasn't clear about that.
