Simple, but maybe scary questions

[NotATLDave]

According to Schnarch in Passionate Marriage, it's possible to have a flip-flop of HD/LD roles in certain relationships. It has to do with a shared-functioning issue where only each member in a relationship have delegated ownership of various aspects of the marital system to one-another rather than maintain their own differentiated self, desires, and needs.

I personally know a woman who was LD in her marriage. Upon divorce, she struggled to regain her libido and used a variety of things to get it back. I'm purposely not sharing what techniques she used because 99% of what made it work was her motivation.

Now, if you are new to this whole thing, I'm going to offer a bit of advice about this topic. Don't go there!!!! When a book tells you how an LD can regain their libido, it's worthless information to you. It's actually worse because it leads to you resenting your spouse for not trying to implement these changes. So, I would avoid reading things that make you fantasize that your spouse will someday become more HD.

I made the mistake of researching every possible way to "fix" my W, figure out what makes her tick, and shared every possible technique I learned about and that's completely the wrong approach. The problem when an HD spouse reads about the techniques used by an LD spouse to rebuild their libido is that the HD spouse is left thinking "geez, I need her to get on board with this and work through her problems". 90% of the time, the LD spouse won't even try.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone. I would consider myself very successful...going from LM 1x year to 2x per week with some degree of motivation from my W. But even still, she isn't working on her LD and I just have to keep my mouth shut and tell her what I want when I want it. But to get to this point where she rejects respectfully and/or "tries" to get in the mood when I'm in the mood is a testament to the fact that she really cares about me and the marriage. She also claims that her natural horniness has increased.

I'm sorry but I won't be posting much here. A lot of other folks here know what's going on. Just don't try to solve your W's problem and you will be ok. Try solve your own and you will be good. Get a C to help you solve the *real* issues in your M and you will be great.

Good Luck

-Dave