whew, glad the weekend is over! having an extra four people in the house is certainly something to pull out your hair for! glad that's over
well let's get down to brass tax...
i am having a really hard time right now. i am fostering lots of resentment towards hubby altho things seem to be going very well.
let me just say up front that in the "intimacy" department - things have not changed. bascially when i went on hiatus from posting my main issue was that my hubby and i have no "intimacy" - i put it in quotes because plain and simple we are still not having sex.
that in itself is not the worst. someone posted (i think it was lostlove) about what exactly intimacy was, and quite frankly the "sex" is not what i am missing. that is not what i call intimacy in itself. i am missing the affection, the hand holding, the long talks, the snuggling with your best friend - those things are intimacy to me.
i probably should have started by saying, that overall, our marriage is actually the best it has ever been. we are both better people than before the "bomb". we are both better parents. we both respect each other much more than before. and if asked when the last time we had a knock down drag out, i really couldn't tell you.
most of the old timers remember that money was an issue for me - basically my hubby's spending habits really ate at me, he never saved for the future. happy to announce we actually have a savings account (first one since we have been married) and we actually put money into it weekly - it has grown over the last six months into something we are both very proud of.
we talk about our future quite often. we talk about buying a house. we talk about what direction we want are kids to go in. things that NEVER happened before the bomb.
so basically, all the things that majorally irritated me BEFORE the bomb have been handled. we have both grown into respectable adults and parents.
i just don't know where to go with the whole intimacy thing. bets and i had a short chat last week sometime when i brought this up and she so simply asked "have you asked for it" - and you know, i could have been hit with a brick on my head it would have hurt less.
how simple is that? michele tells us in her book to "ask for what you want" - so then, the question is, why haven't i asked for it?
i ask myself that a million times a day. "just say something" i say to myself, but no, i keep it inside. at the core i do believe it's because i still feel 'not worthy' or as bets so well put it 'not important enough' - ouch, that hurts.
i feel 'important enough' in just about every avenue in my life except with my husband. after a year and a half, i am still reeling with insecurity in our relationship - still wrestling every day in my mind with the thoughts of 'what did i do wrong' - and then getting mad at myself because i know i was not to 'blame' - oh yeah, it's a vicious cycle.
ok - i have more to write, but i have to come back to this...time for me to start my day with all the kids...
