I am new and new to all this forum and chat stuff so I apologize in advance if I do anything incorrectly. I've been reading threads for awhile and am not sure of all the abbrv. Anyway I need help and have no one I can talk to and am tired of being a bad person and doing bad things that could potentially ruin my life. I am married and have a wonderful wife and wonderful kids and love them very much and want to spend the rest of my life with them. However I'm being a complete fool for having an affair, it is my first one and has been off an on for a couple years it started as a friendship and turned in to what felt like love but was probably just passion and now it is just a friend with benefits type thing i guess?
I hate myself for what I'm doing and can't beleive I'm doing it and try to stop all the time but it keeps continuing. My guilt is killing me I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm potentially hurting everyone. I don't know what to do, I know I want to stop but don't know how. I haven't been addicted to anything in my life but I guess I'm addicted to sex with this other woman? Any thoughts, suggestions or anlysis of me would be welcome. I'm basically a normal nice guy who got myself into something I can't seem to handle. I've read all the stuff and can't seem to fit myself into any of the classifications or types of affairs, maybe I'm not being truthful with myself? I don't want to lose my wife and kids, for my stupidity and weakness.
Hi Darren, your post caught my eye, and I see you havent gotten much response here, so thought I'd say hello and welcome you. I hope you'll get some helpful insights, there are a lot of wise folks here.
First of all, let me say I really commend you for being concerned about your family. I don't know the details of your sitchm, how old your/your W are, your childrens ages, how long M, etc., but I feel like I can speak with authority when I say that I can guarantee that if you have had any kind of positive family life, your A is going to a source of great upheaval for them. My H has been having an A for about 2 years now, and I've run the gamut of emotions, I truely believe it has been more difficult to deal with than death.
I'm not saying that to cause you more guilt, although I'm sure it wont ease it, but to reinforce that it's important if you are concerned about your family that you come to terms with the A, and if you really want to keep your family intact you are going to have to end it and commit to your M.
You say you've read "all the stuff" about types of affairs, and you don't fit into any of them. I'm not sure what all you've read, but I'd suggest you may want to check out "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, Ph.D., It does an excellent job of exploring the many reasons affairs happen, and has suggestions for how to end them and how to begin the process of rebuilding. It's been kind of a hard read for me because it's so explicit in some ways. I also found a website that was mentioned here that has a downloadable book for the straying partner. I havent read the book, but I thought the website looked really good, and I know someone here on the bb found it really helpful. The site is www.aftertheaffair.com there are other folks here on the bb who have had Affairs. one of the most recent posters is amylovesnolan. I havent posted to her but follow her thread and find it interesting.
One thing that i know will be crucial to your ability to put things back together will be your ability to forgive yourself. My H has said the guilt was/is horrendous. he tells me his A is over, but I know he's still in contact w/ow.
So, anyway, don't know if this helps, but just know that I for one admire and appreciate your concern for your family, and hope you'll find some of the guidance you need here.
PS...it really is an addiction, have you read "Why We Love" by Helen Fischer? interesting stuff.
And of course, if you havent done it yet, read Divorce Remedy. It will give you a lot of insight and get you started in the right direction.
I too admire you for looking for answers. The book deb suggested is a very good read. My question who breaks off and who starts it back up?
As for a friend with benefits I don't have friends that are true friends that would allow me to continue to hurt my family. the ow is getting something out of and it isn't friendship. What need does this woman meet that you wife doesn't? Have you thought about what will happen if the wife finds out? Have you thought that maybe telling her would be easier than for someone else to tell her or for her to find out on her own. That was a big for me I asked and H would lie and I became obsessed with finding out the truth. Don't get me wrong I love my H and want my M but there is so much more than just the cheating to deal with. If he had come to me and told me yes I would have been mad and upset but to have to deal with all the lies and wondering what part of my life is the truth and which parts are lies kills me. It would have been several days of ranting and raving but in the end I still want my M. By telling your wife and after days of her dealing with the knowledge if she wants the M she may be able to help you end if for good. In the end you have to decide which is more important sex with this woman or your family. Stop thinking of you start thinking of them and the life you now have.
the damage will not only effect you and your wife but the children and the extended family as well. End it now and come clean don't leave it out there to be discovered by someone else. What does the woman say about how you feel or do you not discuss that? Is she married as well? Could she possible tell the wife?
If you truly want to end it then do it for them if not for yourself. There are alot of things people say they are addicted to but they know when to stop and get help. Maybe you should talk to a pastor or counselor.If you can't stop on your own and leave it be. get the help you need. Coming here will give you someplace to work it out but you may need more than just to hear others ideas.
My H had several afairs and they all started out as friends he says I told him the same thing a friend would not help you hurt your marriage and your self. Oh one time my have been just it happened but to keep going back honey that woman is not your friend. Stop thinking that she is.I know first hand what it feels like to learn someone you love and trust has betrayed you has lied about everything for years has shared a part of themselves with someone else has cheated me of what God said was mine and mine alone. Now my husband was different from you he left me for the other woman he still thinks he loves her and he owes her a chance because they kept the affair hidden. What does he think he owes me I love him and have been his wife for 22 years. why did I not get a chance? Yes he still says he loves me also. It's just that I keep reminding him of what he has done and she is fun and gives him what he wants in bed. Is that guilt maybe don't let it get that far with you.
Save your marriage and protect your family. Stop saying you want it to end END IT. Only you can do that. Nice normal men have affairs but a really big nice normal man knows when to stop before he self destructs. You take care of you and let her take care of her. Do what your heart tells you to do. That I think will help you get rid of some of the guilt. Put a rubber band on your wrist snap yourself when you feel like cheating. Get a picture of your wife and look at it when you feel like cheating or your children. Find something you want more than sex with that woman. Dig deep down and find the willpower to stop. You have it in you or you would not have come here for help. Be the man God wants you to be be the man who looks himself in the mirror and likes and respects the man who looks back. You can do it I know you can.
It took courage to come here and it will take even more to end it. But know that you can and believe that you will and do it.
I do admire you and I know it must be hard to feel the way your are feeling but you can end it. We are all here when you need help or when you need to vent. So come here not the other woman.
Thanks this feels so much better to talk about and get this enormous weight off me, the sad part is it will never be totally off of me for the rest of my life I truly hope and beleive this will be the start of the end of this affair. I am concerned about my family and want no harm to come to them, but realize the most harmful thing out there to them is what I'm doing. I can't live with that anymore it is like I'm someone I don't even know myself. No one has a clue about this nor expects anything, I am not being crazy about it or doing the normal lying working late, going out with "friends" type things to be with her. My family still comes first and if a situation arises to be with the ow that is when it happens. This is all very hypocritical I know it is crazy regardless and im not putting my family first by even doing this. the ow is not married and did not want to do this either we both tried to refrain and knew it was wrong her ex's cheated on her and she did not want to hurt a marriage so we both feel guilty so you would think it would be easy to end it, but it isn't im starting to think she doesn't feel as bad anymore? The reason for it now the only thing I can think of is physical it is good and different not nessicarily better but different. I feel guilty even talking about that part of it. When I think about it my W and the ow are very similar nice attractive kind sweet caring.... so it isn't that the ow is better looking or totally different or anything. I love my wife i don't love the ow I thought I might have at one point but know for sure I don't and I feel guilt sometimes that I'm just using her but I think that is probably mutual. Again therefore it should be easy to end. Even though love isn't there we still like each other and get along really well. I always hope she would find a nice better guy than me and end it with me. The problem is I gues for it to end everything has to end no talking no seeing each other no emails no nothing cause everytime we end the physical but continue talking it leads right back to the physical. I don't fight or argue with my wife nor the ow, I wish the ow and I would fight or get mad at each other enough to help end things too. It is hard to end things on a friendly basis.
I'm going to end it though i need to commit to loving and not hurting the ones I love the most and who are the world to me. Which is also why I can't tell this to anyone nor will it would hurt them too much, I would rather have the pain and guilt with me, then causing everyone pain.
I'm so thankful to hear peoples input and support I will answer any question or take any advice. Don't hold any punches either if I'm being a dumb a$$ about anything I'm saying tell me.
I think that if you really look there is something that draws you to this woman. One of the books I read says that everyone has five basic needs and that they need to be met by our spouses. Men are basically different than woman but not always. Men's top needs are as follows 1.Sexual Fulfilment 2.Recreational Companionship 3.Attractive Spouse 4. Domestic Support 5.Admiration Now there are others but these tend to be the ones most men say are their basic needs.
Yes well my H didn't think anyone knew or suspected but now that it's out you would be surprised at how many people knew and kept their mouth shut until I knew. You can not keep it hid someone knows just as you sought this site do you think she has not sought some one to talk to to confess. Darren I am not being mean but no one hides that well believe me someone knows and your wife is not stupid their are little things that we all do to give things away. For you I hope no one does know. My H happened to work her in also and didn't take time away from home or work. He just stopped by for lunch or breakfast by leaving a little early. He would stop on his way across town to bid work or see a friend. These are all lies don't kid yourself.
Yes if you want to end it break all contact do you hear all contact.Darren as I said earlier she doesn't feel like you feel. I think and I don't mean to be rude but if she knew what it felt like to be cheated on then she is worse for doing it to someone else. you may not have known the pain and damage this affair would cause but she did. So you think of that she knows what your wife will feel like if it comes out. the heart break the emotional stress the doubts about the way your wife willthen see herself. You may not have known but that woman knew. tell me does your wife know this woman has she met her talked to her? If so what did you feel seeing them together.
Well if it just a physical attraction then I would ask how long have you been married? My H said it was just physical with the first few woman but that he now loves this last one. What is different now with your wife than when you first married? Do you try to add something to that relationship at home? Not what you are doing with the affair partner but something different for your wife. As we age things change and we become bored with the same thing the same way in the same place. Chnage something like go away for an evening rent a hotel room take her for a nice dinner dancing or to cncert then go to hotel have candles music flowers buy her something she would never by herself. Try to adventure to your marriage. You have given to much to this other woman and cheated your wife of meeting this need. Show her tell her what you now like what you find to be a turn on. This is probably the most important thing you can do but talk to her share with her. Ow are not wives so you can say and do things you have dreamed of or read about heard about and are not comfortable enough to discuss with wife. You view the time in the bedroom different with her. Grannie always said you can be a lady anywhere including the bedroom but some times a lady isn't what your man wants. The same goes for you treating her the same old way has probably lost some of the original appeal and she is not comfortable telling you what she now needs. Think of her as a bride not as the wife show her your love bath her feed her fruits such as grapes and berries. Then rub her with lotion or oil this will not only before her but for you. Get some books see what oils and lotions will add to the moment. You get back what you put out.
As Isaid before what you share with this other woman is not a friendship. So don't end it friendly just end it. I'm not saying be mean or hurtful to her although at this time in my life I would like to tell you to be mean. I would like for this other woman to be hurt for what she has done and the chance she took on causing pain to your wife. I know you don't see it that way but from a wife who has been betrayed I would love to see one of the ow hurt. But you just need to tell her it's over and that you do not want any form of contact from her ever. Be firm and think about talking to counselor. You will feel so much better once you can hear the words and release the guilt. Also think about telling your wife believe me it will be better coming from you than someone else. For if someone else were to know that causes even more shame and humilation for the wife. If you honestly think that you can keep it hid and that she would not wish to stay and work on the marriage then I pray for you and hope that the truth never comes out. You will carry this with you and I really think that at some point it will be to much think about telling her not now but after you have ended it and aare commited to improving your marriage. It would lighten the burden and talk to God ask for his help with this.
Work on you find out what it was that allowed you to stray. One thing you have now found out what a wonderful live and family you have show them this new finding everyday. Tell them you love them you respect them. Dont get nothing from all of this.
Stay strong and no contact with the other woman none at all never. You wave to her never speak or email no phone calls no letters. NO CONTACT.
hi Darren, I just have a minute here to post, but I just wanted to encourage you. It is so wonderful that you are concerned for your family, that devotion will help you find the strength to do what you will need to do.
I'd have to agree w/trying to survive that your A is most likely not as hidden as you think, in my case I was pretty sure even when my H kept denying it, my kids knew, the neighbors knew, I pretty sure coworkers know (ow, H and I all work together) If you are feeling so torn and guilty, your wife is picking up "vibes" in your eyes an your voice. I would be very surprised is she doesnt know "something" is amiss. How you handle things I believe needs to be based on your R w/your wife. You probably know her better than anyone. I can tell you she is going to need a lot of patience and understanding on your part in order to heal. She will need your help.
I have to agree w/Survive about the ow...the ow my H has been involved with had her husband have an affair, and he ended up marrying the affair partner, so she had to know full well the pain involved, I believe she probably purposely did some of it out of anger....I ran into her in the breakroom here at work once before I knew about the A, looked in her eyes, and have never in my life seen such hate and anger - for me! I spoke to her and cold hate dripped from her voice. I literally spent hours and days trying to figure out what I had ever done to her. so I truely believe that if ow has had multiple A's, there's probably a "get even" quality to it. ow also have personality characteristics that are pretty universal. as one of the books I've read puts it "any woman who makes herself available to a married man has issues and problems of her own...these generally include a distant relationship with her parents, especially her father; prior sexual abuse; problems with low self esteem...and it listed several others, which I don't recall at the moment (this is from "Men in Midlife Crisis" by Jim Conway. So, my point is that although you have certainly errored, you are not 100% responsible, and your ow is not the innocent victim she needs you to see her as. Let me guess...she doesnt readily accept your efforts to end the A, does she? She always has some little reason, some innocent appearing request to draw you back into her web of neediness that ends up with physical contact, right? and then the physical contact causes the release of brain chemicals that starts the whole process all over again. I've seen it happen with my H more times than I can count. and I can guarantee that the ow is not going to be the one to call it quits, you will have to do it.
I really suggest getting ahold of "Not Just Friends" and giving it a quick read before you do much else. It has specific suggestions for dealing with the intrusiveness of the affair partner after it has ended. Acutally, regardless of your age, you would benefit from reading the "stuff" about affairs in "Men in Midlife Crisis" as well....
Do you have any type of religous affiliation that you might be able to get some forgiveness from ????this may be a great help to you. Do you have any men you respect who have dealt successfully with a similar situation you could discuss your this with (much easier said than done, I know, but it could really help if you have the right person to talk with) or have you considered a counselor?
Thanks Trying this is so helpful, making me see the light. I don't really thinks she cares about what harm she is doing. I do want to clarify I'm not rying to blame anyone but myself this is all my fault and it has to be me that ends it. I am being a wuss it is bizarre because what keeps me from ending it is I don't want to hurt anyone even the ow, but in doing that I'm risking hurting the one i love the most. I guess if the ow is upset at me for doing whats right there isn't much I can do or should do about it, we both knew what we were getting into. If she hates me for it then I just have to accept that and it will make the end and no contact easier. It is a shame that we ruined a friendship by crossing the line but now its keeping my marriage and family that is all I really care about.
To try and answer some of your questions and other back ground. age low 30's wife too together and married 6+ 3 young kids back to back to back. So the house is very busy and very fun not burdensome but a little stressful sometimes but not bad. I have not cheated before even on girlfreinds or anything in fact I was very much against it what a hypocrit huh? This one evolved and I realized I was too weak to stop it.
In another topic you asked the question is it possible to love two people at the sametime I think it is, that is what I felt but then I realized like Amy has sad in her boards, It was just that newness and infatuation thing and passion that felt like love.
I think now after getting feedback and reading things that with the kids and everything that change and the time alone together that we don't get much anymore may be some explanation. Plus some of the other things you said were very insightful and I think true.
I need to be more romantic with my wife and keep things fresh and new and keep the passion growing, we haven't lost it but now that I look at it we hit that leveling off period I guess with the changes in our family.
One other thing I think you and some others have said in other threads is they feel somewhat responsible for their W or H to have an affair. It is not your fault at all it is entirely on the one who cheats, like you said I need to work on things or communicate my feelings and desires I can't expect my mind to be read. This should be somewhat easy I hope cause my M is good except for me trying to screw it up, and I need to work on making it better instead of potentially destroying it.
I have started the process of ending the A and I need to start the procees of being a better Husband and Father, I have always felt I was good but now realize I can be much better and need to be.
Hey Deb and I both admire you for looking for the help to end this thing before it does more damage. You are not a wuss. A wuss would not be here looking for help he would have kept on doing what he was doing.
Deb's post was really good listen to her. End the affair and think about telling someone about this it will help and people are understanding. Deb states like I said your wife may not know about the affair but she knows something is up.
Ge the book NOT JUST FRIENDS it is helpful it talks about why affairs happen what you are thinking and it tells how to end them. Just do it.
Tell other woman you don't want to have contact with her ever again no phone calls no letters no meetings and no emails. Dont sweat a long ending just say it and do it.
Yes you have blame but stop thinking that the ow doesn't she knew hwaat she was doing. Share the blame lighten your load.
Work on you and the marriage forget about her. Yes if you were friends before you may miss her but would you miss the wife and children more? Is there a real choice there or is it a sure win for wife and family?
Debcb, Trying, You were both so right on all of your comments and advice. I can't beleive it took just reading your posts to help me open my eyes and realize what I struggled with forever. I told the ow today what my feelings are, that I love my wife and family and our situation was hurting me and my family and probably her too.
It was hard for me because I didn't want to hurt her but I did make it clear that i was done and we would both be better off. I figured why wait it took me to long to seek some help and support, I'm not going to make that same mistake with ending things (even though I have already waited too long) But it's done.
She was P.O'd and tried some of her tactics I used to fall for to keep me from ending it. I'll never know if she was just working me or really felt for me the way she said but I don't really care. I fudged up and now I'm going to work on fixing things. I know I have along way to go but with the resources you've given me to read and the support of people like you I can turn to, I know I can do it. To all the women out there who have had to deal with stupid confused men like me, I apologize for the creepy thoughtless things some of us do.
This seems to quick and easy but I know its uphill from here on and I'm ready. I just put my rubberband on.
Thanks
Any men out there who are tempted, it isn't worth it trust me, this has taken years off my life and almost ruined it.
You go big boy. You have taken the first step now keep looking a head. If the ow is PO'd watch her. We woman tend to get nasty. It doesn't matter what her feelings were you know where your heart lies. Mourn her and the friendship but don't get sucked back in. Snap that rubberband and don't have any contact with her. You did great now full steam ahead on the rest of the story.
Think about your wife and what happens if she finds out. Be prepared for it. And think about talking to someone about the sitch don't ignore it. Really think about telling her and if you think you need to do it. Read those books even if you just go to a store and pick it up find the parts you need and read them.
Here are a few pages you might look at if you don't want to buy the book. NOT JUST FRIENDS page 63 Other ways of dealing with Internal Conflict. Page 81 Confessions Part 4 page 88. These might help you.
You've done the right thing yes you may mourn the ow and miss her but she is not the one for you and you must take the time to mourn and then go on. Become the man you want to see looking back at you from the mirror. You have a great start already. Best of luck keep working on you .
Have a great weekend. Watch your children watch your wife and see what you have gained by ending it.
