Hi Darren, your post caught my eye, and I see you havent gotten much response here, so thought I'd say hello and welcome you. I hope you'll get some helpful insights, there are a lot of wise folks here.
First of all, let me say I really commend you for being concerned about your family. I don't know the details of your sitchm, how old your/your W are, your childrens ages, how long M, etc., but I feel like I can speak with authority when I say that I can guarantee that if you have had any kind of positive family life, your A is going to a source of great upheaval for them. My H has been having an A for about 2 years now, and I've run the gamut of emotions, I truely believe it has been more difficult to deal with than death.
I'm not saying that to cause you more guilt, although I'm sure it wont ease it, but to reinforce that it's important if you are concerned about your family that you come to terms with the A, and if you really want to keep your family intact you are going to have to end it and commit to your M.
You say you've read "all the stuff" about types of affairs, and you don't fit into any of them. I'm not sure what all you've read, but I'd suggest you may want to check out "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, Ph.D., It does an excellent job of exploring the many reasons affairs happen, and has suggestions for how to end them and how to begin the process of rebuilding. It's been kind of a hard read for me because it's so explicit in some ways. I also found a website that was mentioned here that has a downloadable book for the straying partner. I havent read the book, but I thought the website looked really good, and I know someone here on the bb found it really helpful. The site is www.aftertheaffair.com there are other folks here on the bb who have had Affairs. one of the most recent posters is amylovesnolan. I havent posted to her but follow her thread and find it interesting.
One thing that i know will be crucial to your ability to put things back together will be your ability to forgive yourself. My H has said the guilt was/is horrendous. he tells me his A is over, but I know he's still in contact w/ow.
So, anyway, don't know if this helps, but just know that I for one admire and appreciate your concern for your family, and hope you'll find some of the guidance you need here.
PS...it really is an addiction, have you read "Why We Love" by Helen Fischer? interesting stuff.
And of course, if you havent done it yet, read Divorce Remedy. It will give you a lot of insight and get you started in the right direction.
