I posted this on another board but am getting no replies. Maybe I need to post it here:
My H made clear this weekend that he doesn't want the D he was thinking about last week. Praise God for that - an answer to prayers! But for the past 2 years we have lived like roommates. He rarely shows me any affection. This all stems from my infidelity a few years ago plus a chemical dependency problem that resurfaces time and time again (including last week, which was why the D subject came up again). I'm trying to get our M back on track despite all the problems. I am always sending little email notes, kissing him goodnight, even buying him flowers, to no avail. I'm afraid if I do a 180 and stop the little love things I do, we'll get even farther apart. I don't want to give him the impression that I'm losing my love for him. Am I expecting too much too soon? How do I handle this situation? Thanks
I am reading your post, but as the spouse on the other side of drug use, I don't know if I can begin to be objective. I can tell you a little of how I felt and what would have worked for me. Firstly, you can stop using drugs. I know I got really tired of hearing words like relapse, slip or anything else that tried to make it any less than a conscious decision. Denials infuriated me. I had no trust after awhile. It is my belief that liars, lie. So, if he lied about drug use, he was willing to lie about other things.
I am wondering how many promises you have broken. So, a first step could be to get the focus on YOU and your issues. Let him actually see you doing something different. Let him see you be and adult, accept responsibility and make a decision to do things differently. I think if at any point if he had said that he was sorry, knew he was a druggie and was actually going to rehab, I would not have asked him to leave.
I would suggest you read the books, get yourself to some meetings if that if the route you are going to take and just work on yourself. Trust takes a long time to build again.
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
I am also on the other side of a chemical dependancy problem and with that, comes an absolute breach of trust and without trust, it's very hard to have intimacy(or affection).
Your H probably has a huge wall up. He has to in order to protect himself emotionally from your "relapses".
The best thing you can do for your marriage, is to help yourself. Are you in any kind of program for the dependancy problem? Are you in counselling? After your affair, did you do any trust rebuilding?
Yes, I've been through rehab and I'm in counseling now. I am praying that this time will be my last - I can't bear another day of thinking my H will leave me. I am focusing on that each time I get the urge.
It was hard to do any trust rebuilding because of my problem. Every time he would start trusting, I'd be off again with the drugs. It has extended the healing period indefinitely.
From your experiences, is it better for me to keep reaching out to H (notes, ILY's, etc) or to stop and let him come to me? I'm afraid I'll smother him if I keep up the love stuff, but I'm afraid if I stop, he'll think I don't love him anymore.
As far as the drugs - think of it this way: do you want the drugs or your H? You won't be able to have both and you very likely WILL lose your H if you keep going back to them.
I think the best thing to do regarding the affection situation - do things together, don't just push him for the physical. What have you enjoyed together? See movies, volunteer, do whatever you did when you were dating and such. He will need time to trust you again, and hopefully you can find the intimacy while you find the fun parts of your R.
Stay away from the drugs, and find some hobbies instead!!!
I can't say for certain because I don't know your H but I can tell you what worked for me(my H also used drugs and had an affair).
Really, you are starting at square because you haven't rebuilt trust. Here's a list that comes from the survivinginfidelity.com website.
In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:
He must be totally honest with you about everything He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with. He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding. He must feel your pain. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you. He must accept full responsibility for his actions. He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them. He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. He must be willing to seek counseling. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.
I needed my H to affectionate but honestly, it was a really hard road because at times, I was downright disgusted with him. You have to let your H lead the way. Ask him what he feels comfortable with. If he tells you to back off.....BACK OFF.
It takes a LONG time to regain trust and every single slip up, sends you right back to the beginning. Focus on your recovery. Show him that you can do this. No relapses. I know that it is easier said than done and I know that I am not the one sitting in your position but you have a choice here, you can continue to relapse and be untrustworthy and lose your marriage or you can stand up and fight.
Quote: As far as the drugs - think of it this way: do you want the drugs or your H? You won't be able to have both and you very likely WILL lose your H if you keep going back to them.
I think the best thing to do regarding the affection situation - do things together, don't just push him for the physical. What have you enjoyed together? See movies, volunteer, do whatever you did when you were dating and such. He will need time to trust you again, and hopefully you can find the intimacy while you find the fun parts of your R.
Stay away from the drugs, and find some hobbies instead!!!
Luckily we've got hobbies and some new ones too - that helps so much. I feel like we're friends again - I guess that's a great start. I'm just so lonely sometimes. But like he tells me, that's my fault.
