I liked HP's ideas if you feel your H will live up to the conditions / in put you two agree on. Along with HP's timeframes, if you agree on something and there are no rewards for meeting the agreement or no consequences for not meeting the agreement, agreements do not mean a thing. So, its time frame, rewards, consequences and what ever an intelligent woman like you knows will work with your H.
--------- How about you giving your input in terms of the "then what" part. That is, you could sit down together and decide what is a reasonable amount of time to give the new job a shot and nail down a few specifics, as they pertain to your family. Such as: Time frame (how long will he stay at the job before you two sit down and assess how it's going); hours worked (how long will he work long hours before you two sit down and assess what needs to be done), ETC ------------
Sleeping on the sofa? Boy I hope you guys fix that soon.
Corri, I think this would be a real good time for the serenity prayer... especially the part about the wisdom to know the difference between what you can control and what you can't. Remember that boundary setting is just that. A boundary tells the other person what your limits are. A boundary does not make a person do what you want them to do.
You are trying to control him because you believe you know what's best and how it will all turn out and he, by God, is not going to let you do that. If the way you're approaching him is one-tenth of the intensity you're showing here, you are screaming your lack of trust to the high heavens. Is there anything about this situation that you can use to find a speck of trust in him that he will not destroy the family? Because if you can see the future so clearly and truly believe deep in your heart of hearts that he is taking the family on a path to destruction, then there is no point in hanging around or even discussing it further.
Do you have any trust left at all? I'm not saying you should... maybe he has exhausted your well of trust completely...
I think he's seeing himself as a warrior who is going off to battle, and you're telling him to be home by dinner, pack a lunch, wear your long underwear, don't drink the water, and above all don't take any risks or fall off your horse or anything... I'm not saying it's right... but you have made yourself his enemy here. Maybe you're right, but would you rather be right or get the job done? (Where has that come up before?)
Can you approach him with your heart open, feeling and showing your vulnerability, weapon holstered, hands showing... and just let him talk? Accept and agree with everything he says and see what it feels like to trust him? Surprise him: don't bust his balls for once and THEN see what he does.
Last summer I posted about a day when I wanted to go to the beach and my H grumpily indicated his disinterest and the kids followed suit. I decided that I didn't care. I would prefer my family's company but it was a beautiful day and I was going anyways. One by one they all decided that maybe the beach was a good idea and joined me.
I guess I'm suggesting that you should go ahead and "go to the beach" with or without your H. Do it for your own reasons and don't let it bug you that your H is being a workaholic-party pooper. That's his problem.
P.S.
I would be happy to join you and HP at the beach house. I'll bring my D13 who will gladly babysit all the youngsters in exchange for cash and pizza and then we can all go out dancing at night and show off our fabulous tans. I sometimes think the whole concept of "differentiation" is just a new-fangled way of saying "Living well is the best revenge.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Offering constructive criticism and advice is one thing, and I can take it as well as the next person, which I believe your first paragraph contained.
The rest I saw as nothing but negative opinion and assumption on your part. You are, of course, entitled to your opinion. Please take it somewhere else.
"You are trying to control him " "you believe you know what's best " "one-tenth of the intensity you're showing here" "Because if you can see the future so clearly " "Surprise him: don't bust his balls for once "
Your words were offensive, personal and insulting. To then take a stand equivalent to "neener, neener and you can't stop me" when someone has asked you to back out of their thread, adds even more negativity to the mix.
Corri doesn't have to guess what the job will demand in the future, she has seen what it is demanding already. She doesn't have to guess what it will do to their marital relationship, she's already been living that for several months. She doesn't have to figure out how it will impact the children, she has taken the calls from the kids when dad's not there when he said he would be.
Expressing concerns about unilateral decisions, about tossing away plans made together, about how the family has been impacted is not ball-busting control.
And finally, I assume that most of us have at times, posted on here while we were emotionally vulnerable. Or angry. Or fearful. Or stressed. We can put on brave faces and joke, but there's a lot of pain on this little forum.
I think we should do our damndest not to intentionally add to it.
Ah hah, another cat fight! Sounds to me that this is like a mini marital conflict. Lillepearl, I found you comments constructive and forthright from the heart. I can appreciate Corri's emotional response. This website is awash in emotion. I'd like to suggest a cooling off period. You both are great contributors!
