Corri wrote: -------------- What would you say to him, NOP?
How do you not turn this into a power play? --------------
"Hubby, I desperately want to support your work efforts for our family. I believe that you are trying hard for us, but I can see no real benefit in your taking on additional responsibility at this time in our lives.
We are already experiencing marital difficulty because of the current schedule and workload. I can't imagine what will happen to our family if it continues or gets even worse."
I am sure that you can see plenty of good reasons why he should NOT continue on in this fashion. He already gets a pension, you two are financially stable. Is there a reason why you can't work together to provide for your family as opposed to introducing even greater separation into the mix?
These are questions that he should be able to provide REASONABLE responses to. If he can not, then why not?
There is no power play when your concern is genuinely for your relationship and for your family itself. Protecting your family is a base instinct, and the core cause of your raw reactions to your husbands behavior.
You are not trying to control him. what you are wanting is for him to do the right thing. What you must understand, is that if he doesn't, then you will have no choice but to vie for the best outcome for your family. That is what responsible parents/spouses do.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: "Hubby, I desperately want to support your work efforts for our family. I believe that you are trying hard for us, but I can see no real benefit in your taking on additional responsibility at this time in our lives.
We are already experiencing marital difficulty because of the current schedule and workload. I can't imagine what will happen to our family if it continues or gets even worse."
I did say this to him. He told me that it isn't always going to be like this for him at work. He'll hire additional people which will ease his load. I told him he could add 15 more people under him and he won't work less hours. He said it won't be like that. I said, "what if it is?" He said, "then I'll quit." And I said, "And do what?" And he said, "I don't know, I guess I'll have to figure it out."
I have many times suggested starting a business together. He brushes me off with lame comes backs like, "I guess we'll have to talk about it." I come up with an idea, he laughs at me. "Yeah, right." or "I don't want to do that."
When I brought up my concern about marital difficulties only getting worse if he took this job, he reverts to how I control things, he has no say. Why would I want him to be around more when clearly I don't want him around now?
I've told him that is his inaccurage perception. In order for our marriage to get better we have to do it together... and we have to be together to work together. He says, "huh."
He does not want to address this issue.
These are not acceptable answers. What am I supposed to do, throw him against a wall? I am already sleeping on the couch. This is his choice. I am NOT saying it is okay, but I will not threaten him for that will only put us back in power play mode and get us nowhere.
What else should I say?
Corri
P.S. The reason I get no other answers than these from him is because he wants the job. Period.
I'm with NOP on this. It's not so much a matter of power but of full mutual consent in really important issues. For example, how would your H feel if you drove home with a brand new BMW 545i without consulting him about the purchase?
Corri: I think I'd like a new Beemer. What do you think, H?
H: You already have a perfectly good car. Plus, it's too expensive.
Corri: You know what? I think I'll get it anyway. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Part of being married is arriving at a consensus on important decisions. Your H just doesn't get it. Talk about lack of respect!
I feel for you. Your damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you tell him you don't want him to take the job and he "succumbs" to your wishes he might end up resenting you for it.
I think, at the very least, you need to tell him your opinion of how this move will affect you, your marriage, and your family. That you're not happy now and you won't be happy if he takes the job. It's especially important that you point out to him the simple principle of mutual consent on all decision that affect the marriage.
Then if he still takes the job you should go ahead and buy that BMW.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I agree with you and NOP. It'll come up again, and I'll restate my case again, and he'll still have to make a decision. He'll screw around with this until he has no other option and the decision will get made before we ever concluded anything.
Quote: Then if he still takes the job you should go ahead and buy that BMW.
Quote: ------------ He does not want to address this issue. ------------
Actually, he has already made up his mind. He just doesn't want the fireworks that would result if he came right out and said that. It is called conflict avoidance. He is a conflict avoider.
quote: ------------ These are not acceptable answers. What am I supposed to do, throw him against a wall? I am already sleeping on the couch. This is his choice. I am NOT saying it is okay, but I will not threaten him for that will only put us back in power play mode and get us nowhere. -------------
No reason to threaten. Clearly and lovingly state your boundary, then go on about your life the best you can. In the same way spouses of SSM who post here are told to simply state :"I can not continue to live in a sex starved marriage", you state your boundaries: "I can not sit idly by and watch you make unilateral decisions that will potentially destroy our family".
quote: ------------- What else should I say? -------------
"Hubby, your actions are destroying our relationship. You are acting in a selfish, singular manner. This is a marriage. A normal marriage has two decision makers, not one. Hubby, I need to know what are you going to do about this situation? I need your answer in the next 12 hours"
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm all for the house at the beach. That way, while your H is at work and mine at church, and your boys and my girls are playing in the ocean, you and I can sit in our beach chairs with a blender (with a verrrrrrry long extension cord) and have ourselves a blast. I used to tend bar while I was in college and I know a good number of frozen drinks to keep us cool.
So, while I think your original attitude is admirable (though I don't know that I could pull it off without resentment, but that's me), I still would be pissy with the fact that you have no input into this. I see your H digging in his heels and becoming more determined to take the job, no matter what. Then what?
How about you giving your input in terms of the "then what" part. That is, you could sit down together and decide what is a reasonable amount of time to give the new job a shot and nail down a few specifics, as they pertain to your family. Such as: Time frame (how long will he stay at the job before you two sit down and assess how it's going); hours worked (how long will he work long hours before you two sit down and assess what needs to be done), ETC. You must have some input into this big decision. I think your attitude is admirable, as I said, but I see too many red flags all over it.
Also has he given any thought to what his long range plans are? A retirement age, for instance?
At any rate, I think you have an opportunity to step in and help him formulate his "after he takes the job" plan. I think it's a foregone conclusion that he will take it (unfortunately) but I believe you can have a tremendous amount of influence from this point on. IF he doesn't sense that you are trying to make the decision for him. Nobody likes that.
I am amazed at his lack of foresight. I wish he was looking at more of a long term goal, rather than a live in the moment type deal. I don't know if this is a gender thing but my H is amazingly unable to both make long term goals and follow them. He gets impatient and acts impulsively, eventually.
I have a couple of other points that I need to make.
If you do set real boundaries, he is likely to pop a cork, then blame you for all the relationship troubles.
Redirection of blame is very common in situations like yours. It makes for a good excuse to continue with incorrect behaviors, after all, it is the other spouses' fault.
Just a 'heads up'.
-NOPkins-
Oh, and Mr. Corri, if you are indeed, reading here, your wife loves you. Now would be a good time for you to reassess your marriage and see what a good deal you really have at home, and what you are potentially giving up. I think you are looking in the wrong place to fill your void.
Your wife is a hell of a catch, you had better take care of your home life.
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I know you said he wants you to, but there's gotta be more to that story than THAT. Since when would the Corri I know have a crappy night's sleep simply cause MrC said so?!
Do you think that has turned into: If you refuse to have sex with me, then I will take the job you don't want me to take..
If he is digging his heels in about the job, any attempt to talk him out of it will be seen as your controlling him. However, I am handing you a bottle of super-glue remover. Explain to him your fear that you and the kids will not be a priority. Work on a schedule that includes Corri and family time so that you can feel secure.
Reading this reminds me of when H wanted to move to a larger house. I knew it was a bad idea but he was so locked into it I felt I had to let it happen. Turns out I was right...a lot of my fears did come true, but we worked through them ( I always knew I could sell even though it would be uprooting once again) and as it turned out, there were a number of benefits to the move.
Hang in there...time will reveal all...sometimes things just have to play out. Talk to H about your insecurities and protect yourself as best you can.
