Last night H and I had a rather short convo at the dinner table. We were talking about his work and the issue of him looking for other 'options' came up. He told me:
1) There are no other options for him to consider, really, as he doesn't want to move and he doesn't want to have to do a lot of travelling.
2) He wants this job
I said, what happens if you don't get this job?
He's fairly sure the job is his if he wants it, and there are no other options he wants to consider at this point. "How does that affect poor Corri?"
Ignoring the dig, I told him his lack of foresight and planning for the unknown makes me nervous. He then proceeds to say, 'poor you, you have it so rough. All you do is bitchh and moan.'
"I never said I had it rough. And that takes care of discussing this, doesn't it?"
Case closed. End of discussion. He doesn't want to hear it, he doesn't want to feel guilty, he wants the job, and that's that.
I am now working on accepting his actions and decisions, for this is NOT a hill I am willing to die on. I have to be honest and say that I am angry and I very much resent his tunnel vision. I do not want to feel that way and I am now working on getting it out of my system.
I have to say it is running very deep and I wonder why. I wonder at what fear there is inside of me that is causing such intense feelings. For as much as I think he should consider options just for his own good, I wonder what makes me so certain that if he does get this job, it will be awful? How could I know that? It could be, but it may not necessarily be that way.
I am in the process of super-gluing my mouth shut. He needs to do what he needs to do. My top priority right now is working through these emotions of mine and putting them to rest.
