Just had another convo on the phone with hubby. I told him that, in my opinion, because he has not examined any other options of what he could do with his life, he thinks he wants this job more than he actually might want it. He said, what do you mean.
I said, well, if you had two or three viable options lined up for yourself to consider, it would give you an entirely different angle from which to consider this job. But just because you haven't thought it through, you have no other options, in your mind, which increases your desire to hang on to what you have... but out of fear, rather than from true desire.
I told him that I thought he should continue on, and apply for the job (this is going to take a few months), but before he gets to the interview stage, he needs to have some other options in his pocket. Not only will that give him a different 'aura' when he interviews, he won't be blindsided if for some reason he doesn't get the job.
He said he could see the logic in that.
So, we're going to talk that through, put out some feelers, etc., so he can truly make a decision based upon thought and planning, and not because he thinks he has no other options.
I actually have explored variations on the theme of sharing my H's drinking hobby in an effort to build intimacy. There was a brief period when my kids were toddlers when I thought I had solved the sex problem by purchasing beer, tequila and porn movies every Saturday night (Please imagine a typical 30ish housewife type trying to stop two hyper kids from running around the video store while she makes her selection from the adult catalog and you will understand the depths of my desperation.).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
LOL...Jenny, having a 1.5 year-old myself I can just imagine.
I wonder if there's something like Netflix that would provide that service for you without having to venture out with the kids. I may have to look into that myself. hmmmmmm
From the description of your convo, it really sounds like you should subtly ask him to repeat back what he thinks you are trying to say. Nicely and humbly say "um, can you do me a huge favor and tell me what you think I'm saying...I want to make sure that I'm communicating my thoughts to you correctly". This has helped us a bunch. Just my 2 cents of the day.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Last night H and I had a rather short convo at the dinner table. We were talking about his work and the issue of him looking for other 'options' came up. He told me:
1) There are no other options for him to consider, really, as he doesn't want to move and he doesn't want to have to do a lot of travelling.
2) He wants this job
I said, what happens if you don't get this job?
He's fairly sure the job is his if he wants it, and there are no other options he wants to consider at this point. "How does that affect poor Corri?"
Ignoring the dig, I told him his lack of foresight and planning for the unknown makes me nervous. He then proceeds to say, 'poor you, you have it so rough. All you do is bitchh and moan.'
"I never said I had it rough. And that takes care of discussing this, doesn't it?"
Case closed. End of discussion. He doesn't want to hear it, he doesn't want to feel guilty, he wants the job, and that's that.
I am now working on accepting his actions and decisions, for this is NOT a hill I am willing to die on. I have to be honest and say that I am angry and I very much resent his tunnel vision. I do not want to feel that way and I am now working on getting it out of my system.
I have to say it is running very deep and I wonder why. I wonder at what fear there is inside of me that is causing such intense feelings. For as much as I think he should consider options just for his own good, I wonder what makes me so certain that if he does get this job, it will be awful? How could I know that? It could be, but it may not necessarily be that way.
I am in the process of super-gluing my mouth shut. He needs to do what he needs to do. My top priority right now is working through these emotions of mine and putting them to rest.
We all have to choose our battles, don't we, Corri? Sounds like he and Mr. Wilson have been to the same school for advanced assholery.
Of course, I see their examples and realize what a fantastic, patient, caring, loving, and respectful guy I am. Oh yeah, and how unappreciated I am, too. Did I mention modest?
Stiff upper lip, Corri, even though that should be easy with the super glue.
Corri said: ------------- Case closed. End of discussion. He doesn't want to hear it, he doesn't want to feel guilty, he wants the job, and that's that. -------------
Case NOT closed, Discussion NOT over. Guilty conscience NOT alleviated.
Does he have a special dispensation for unilateral action in your marriage, and for your family?
Quote ------------- I am now working on accepting his actions and decisions, for this is NOT a hill I am willing to die on. I have to be honest and say that I am angry and I very much resent his tunnel vision. I do not want to feel that way and I am now working on getting it out of my system. --------------
You are working on eating a decision by your husband that every fiber of your being tells you is wrong from inception, to presentation, to final decision. Boundary time, big time.
If you won't stand up for your family on this hill, then which one? What will his next unilateral decision be? Another woman living with your family?
Quote: -------------- I have to say it is running very deep and I wonder why. I wonder at what fear there is inside of me that is causing such intense feelings. For as much as I think he should consider options just for his own good, I wonder what makes me so certain that if he does get this job, it will be awful? How could I know that? It could be, but it may not necessarily be that way. ------------
The intense feelings are from trying to eat pizza when you hate cheese. Where did that boundary go, by the way?
Stop running away from your basic instincts. They are there for a good reason. LISTEN TO THEM.
Quote: ------------- I am in the process of super-gluing my mouth shut. He needs to do what he needs to do. My top priority right now is working through these emotions of mine and putting them to rest. -------------
Is there a particular goal in playing the part of martyr ?
Your top goal is the well being of your family. Your husband tearing up your marriage is NOT good for your family.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
