That is excellent advice, and a great reminder, thank you. I am feeling much better today. My first order of business was getting out of my cess pool of pity (god, I HATE being there), focusing on what the 'issue' was, and then expressing that to my H in some way that wouldn't make him feel attacked.
We did have a convo last night and it started out horrible. I was the inquisitioner, he was the defendent. Right in the middle of it I stopped, and said, "see, this is what I am talking about. I'm quizzing you, your scraping your mind for the 'right' answer, and this is getting us nowhere. Let me try to put it another way so you can understand.
"I am not upset about the job, per se. My problem is that you are giving more and more time to your job, and less and less time to the R. You are emotionally, mentally and physcially exhausted. I have a great concern that if you were to get this job as a permanent thing, this pattern will continue. I cannot work on our R by myself."
I had to repeat a version of this statement three or four times before he 'got' it. I saw it go in, but I also saw some dispair on his face as well. He is so busy I could see it flit across his brain 'how I am going to fit this all in?' I really felt bad for him.
WB, IHJ, I hear what you are saying about his identity being so tied in with his job. I understand that. I went through a major identity crisis when I quit my job... and I was the one who decided to walk away from it! It's not fun to face... but having gone through it myself, I know that it is not the end of the world... as a matter of fact, it's anything but. He just has not thought it through, and because he hasn't, his fear is magnified.
Like Lil said, when her recent H retired, it really derailed him. But once he found something to do, where he felt valued, he felt better. Retirement is not the end of life. The fact that he can retire at his age I think underscores just how smart he really is. The shrink once told me, "do NOT let him retire until he has a plan on what he is going to do with his time." And he looked my H in the eye and said the same thing in another meeting.
Well, you all get the picture. Oh, and just so you know, he's not entirely convinced he wants the job... he just doesn't know WHAT he wants to do. Tied in with that is his fear, which makes him think he wants the job, just because he hasn't come up with anything else. So if anyone has any sage advice for me on this, I'm all ears. It is my gut feeling that I need to lay off of him, but he does need my support. I've got my own fears, but he just doesn't have it in him right now to comfort me and figure his own stuff out...
I guess I will go back to the 'just do it' phase, give him all the sex I can, and see if that gets him talking... don't know what else to do. ???
