Quote: Yeah, everyone can have it worse. No doubt about that. When in the bowels of self-pity, it is best to count your blessings, hm?
No, I was not referring to you, that was meant for myself.
In the midst of all this whining I've been doing, I was able to figure it out. And it all ties back to the same issue that everyone here on this board is so frustrated about: your partner acknowledging there is a problem and stepping up to the plate.
I want my H to be happy, and if his job makes him happy I don't want to keep that from him. What I do have issue with is that he can spend 60+ hours a week giving his all to a job, but he cannot find the time nor the interest in giving the same energy to solving our R problems.
We understand that he needs more affection and LM. I asked him tonight, again, what he was doing to solve the problem, not just complaining about it. He can't answer the question.
I can't solve OUR problems by myself, even if I wanted to (and I've tried, believe me I have). He avoids our problems, for a variety of reasons. So when I see a man willing to commit even more time to a job, and even less time to our problems, I get really mad (no really hurt), especially when he has the gall to complain to me that I'm just not doing enough.
I don't need him to run the kids, or sweep the floor, or do the laundry or go to the grocery. I need his effort in helping me fix our R, and that is the one thing he has not been able to give. And if he takes this job, even more, he will be too tired, or too stressed, or too this, or too that... you all know the drill.
His lack of effort is unacceptable. Just like an LDs lack of effort is unacceptable. Just like anyone's lack of effort is unacceptable.
I don't want to project onto to JJ (so forgive me if I am), but I am caught in the same fears she has. If I don't make the efforts for him, and constantly remind him and nudge him and prod him... I'm afraid it will all fall apart, for he has done nothing to show me he can or will... in fact, his actions lead me to believe he won't. That scares me.
Which means I am being controlling. And I have GOT to STOP it. Without his participation, I can only work on me. I can't hold it together for the both of us, just like none of you can either. I've got to own that and accept it, stay true to myself, and hope like he!! that his efforts come sooner rather than later.
Let me tell you what my DB coach told me when I expressed similar frustrations about my HDH not wanting to work on the R. There was so much friction between us and loads of frustration for me and I'm sure him too.
She said and Michelle says in her books. Stop talking about the R to your S. Why keep trying to force the talking about the R. since it is not working.
How can you act that will attract him to you? ie: no complaining about him or the R...just enjoy what there is to enjoy.
This is not the only thing, just one of a few behaviors to change that will change the "dance step" of the R.
The DB coach said not to "prod" or "nudge" or try to "fix" the R anymore as it has not worked.
We have such great advice from the people who have put this board here. I'm taking it.
I don't post here much because people seem to do exactly what Michelle says we should NOT listen to. People telling us how right we are and how wrong our S is. Can't change the S...only us.
It just gets way to frustrating trying to change what we cannot.
That's excellent advice. It falls in line with what my W did to me...I eventually came back into the R (probably a little too fast...overwhelmed her) .
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: I don't want to project onto to JJ (so forgive me if I am), but I am caught in the same fears she has. If I don't make the efforts for him, and constantly remind him and nudge him and prod him... I'm afraid it will all fall apart, for he has done nothing to show me he can or will... in fact, his actions lead me to believe he won't. That scares me.
I was actually thinking the same thing. It's sort of like my marriage is a bizarro world reflection of yours. Your H loves his job too much so he doesn't devote enough energy to the relationship to make you interested in sex. My H hates his job situation so much that he doesn't have enough energy to devote to sex and keep me interested in the relationship.
Quote: I've got to own that and accept it, stay true to myself, and hope like he!! that his efforts come sooner rather than later.
My H keeps indicating that he will be better able to work on becoming sexual once he has his job stress under control. So, like you, I am hoping for sooner rather than later. Except, I am probably more impatient than you. If summertime rolls around and I'm still not getting laid on a regular basis I think some definite consequences will attach to my boundaries.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Although I still believe that many women just don't understand the relationship between a man and his job, or the gratification and self-esteem bound up in it, I do think I was wrong about your H. I was overstating it in my other post, but I wanted you to understand that from the male perspective there are many times when you want to be home with your family, but feel the need to be at work. But that shouldn't be an all the time thing. It shouldn't be to the extent that it's detrimental to your family. That’s what I was getting at with the dishes and laundry analogy – you won’t neglect your kids’ needs in order to have a spotless house, but there are times when you have to give up time with the kids in order to do the things that simply must be done to keep the household running. Having said that, I think your H has taken things too far.
You’re so much better at this than I am that I’m loath to offer anything – but I will ask some questions. Have you made it clear to H that his work schedule is damaging your R? What does he say? Has he finally discussed the new position with you?
Retirement, or impending retirement can be a scary thing. When so much of your life and so much of your image of yourself has been related to work for so many years, having that taken away from you can be a scary proposition. It’s a lot like graduating from high school: your life as you know it is ending and the future is a big unknown. Could your H be trying to deal with that? The future is unknown and a little scary, so rather than facing it, he’s redoubling his efforts where he’s comfortable and secure? We’ve all done the “I’m not listening” thing while stepping up the pace of whatever we’re doing so we can block out whatever it is we’re blocking out.
Quote: The future is unknown and a little scary, so rather than facing it, he’s redoubling his efforts where he’s comfortable and secure? We’ve all done the “I’m not listening” thing while stepping up the pace of whatever we’re doing so we can block out whatever it is we’re blocking out.
I see it in the same way, that Corri's H is shoring up the wall. Corri can shake the foundation but it's up to her H to decide to tear it down.
Since we're all dissecting Corri's life, I'll throw my two into the ring. I think he is holding on to the job because he feels successful and competent and admired. He doesn't feel these things at home. He feels like a failure (because he can't "make" his wife want him) so he retreats, consciously or unconsciously, to work.
This is ultimately his problem.
I hope he gets some clarity regarding the situation and soon.
That is excellent advice, and a great reminder, thank you. I am feeling much better today. My first order of business was getting out of my cess pool of pity (god, I HATE being there), focusing on what the 'issue' was, and then expressing that to my H in some way that wouldn't make him feel attacked.
We did have a convo last night and it started out horrible. I was the inquisitioner, he was the defendent. Right in the middle of it I stopped, and said, "see, this is what I am talking about. I'm quizzing you, your scraping your mind for the 'right' answer, and this is getting us nowhere. Let me try to put it another way so you can understand.
"I am not upset about the job, per se. My problem is that you are giving more and more time to your job, and less and less time to the R. You are emotionally, mentally and physcially exhausted. I have a great concern that if you were to get this job as a permanent thing, this pattern will continue. I cannot work on our R by myself."
I had to repeat a version of this statement three or four times before he 'got' it. I saw it go in, but I also saw some dispair on his face as well. He is so busy I could see it flit across his brain 'how I am going to fit this all in?' I really felt bad for him.
WB, IHJ, I hear what you are saying about his identity being so tied in with his job. I understand that. I went through a major identity crisis when I quit my job... and I was the one who decided to walk away from it! It's not fun to face... but having gone through it myself, I know that it is not the end of the world... as a matter of fact, it's anything but. He just has not thought it through, and because he hasn't, his fear is magnified.
Like Lil said, when her recent H retired, it really derailed him. But once he found something to do, where he felt valued, he felt better. Retirement is not the end of life. The fact that he can retire at his age I think underscores just how smart he really is. The shrink once told me, "do NOT let him retire until he has a plan on what he is going to do with his time." And he looked my H in the eye and said the same thing in another meeting.
Well, you all get the picture. Oh, and just so you know, he's not entirely convinced he wants the job... he just doesn't know WHAT he wants to do. Tied in with that is his fear, which makes him think he wants the job, just because he hasn't come up with anything else. So if anyone has any sage advice for me on this, I'm all ears. It is my gut feeling that I need to lay off of him, but he does need my support. I've got my own fears, but he just doesn't have it in him right now to comfort me and figure his own stuff out...
I guess I will go back to the 'just do it' phase, give him all the sex I can, and see if that gets him talking... don't know what else to do. ???
Have you given your birthday night any serious examination on WHY it was so good?
I know you don't like to drink, but have you thought that maybe a few nights a week, you can have 'cocktail' time with the H? You like Bloody Mary's... maybe you guys can share a drink, sit, and chill together??? Just try it one evening this week and see what happens... just a thought.
My H and I have a drink together several times a week. It is so nice.
We started doing it when we had kids..as a way to reconnect..a solely grown up thing we did with each OTHER.
With our lives as busy as they are (he works 60 hours a week also, plus..cough cough..church! Can't forget that:) there is no time for "us" activities. Hell I am barely squeaking out the tiniest plan for Honey Night, per Corri's advice, and even then I scrap it if something else comes up--as it did last night. So this one thing...sharing a beer together...turning into beer snobs...shoot, I even bought a kit to learn how to homebrew...this keeps us connected in a very minute way. But take lots of these little connections and you are talking about a couple who SHARES things and has common interests. At least that's my theory--I'll let you all know how that turns out, of course.
Corri, glad to see you're feeling better today. I think your plan of: making your feelings known, showing concern for his mental and physical wellbeing, and supporting him thru his decision makin is a good one. What else can you do? As far as the lotsa sex, wellllllllllll, you know that Dr. Honey is always going to prescribe that, but I'm not sure that it will have the right effect in this case. Proceed at your own discretion.
