Quote: He won't lose his competitive drive when he retires and he will only have limited arenas in which to express it. For example, he doesn't want to be the "Boogie Board King."
Oh, no doubt you are right. If there was something else he wanted to go do, he'd go do it. He wants to be exactly where he is, and that is where he is. It's that simple.
Corri: some men need work to feel good about themselves. Several guys on this board have voiced that belief. I think more men tend to be this way, and frankly, I admire the hell out of them for it! Was your H's professionalism one of the things that attracted you to him in the first place?
My late husband was this way. It's partly a generational thing. I'm 56; my H was nine years older. When he became disabled and couldn't work, it was harder to bear than the kidney transplant and leg amputation. It took me years to convince him that working at what HE wanted was indeed valuable. So in the last few years of his life, he became a potter and also a volunteer docent at a local history museum where the staff and other volunteers ADORED him. I know he felt valuable and productive once again and it made me happy.
I do freelance work and do just enough to get by. My identity is not tied to my work the way it is with some people. I have next to no ambition where $$$ is concerned. If I have enough money to buy books, I'm happy.
You're casting this dispute in terms of "me or the job." I don't think that's a fair choice any more than honey's "do you love me or the kids more."
Something else... some of the people on this board affectionately refer to you as a "ball-buster" because of your incisive, firm, sometimes categorical way of stating your point of view...if you express yourself this way at home, I wonder... when your H shot off in your mouth and then made a career decision without consulting you-- was that his way of saying he's tired of you busting his balls?
Oh my gosh, I gotta defend myself here. I have NEVER asked my h if he loved me or the kids more. He would hem and haw and ultimately be unable to answer that question. HE is the one who said that he loves me and I love the kids. And even that was not in a pissy way; just an observation about life.
I do have a belief that the general order of marital life should go: God, spouse, children. I could care less what others believe. My husband SAYS he lives his life this way but his actions have not (until this past week) reflected that.
So I can empathize with Corri in the sense that here you have two people who SAY they are in agreement as to what their life priorities should look like and yet the fellas are going off doing their own thang. Very frustrating.
I have no doubt whatsoever that his identity and self-worth are tied up in his job. I admire his work ethic and his professionalism. He's one smart cookie.
He's also a workaholic.
Of course taking the job is his decision to make, but his decisions affect me and the kids, so yes, I believe I have a say in it... just like I spoke with him before I up and quit my job.
Quote: ...if you express yourself this way at home, I wonder... when your H shot off in your mouth and then made a career decision without consulting you-- was that his way of saying he's tired of you busting his balls?
Actually, I believe it was his way of saying he didn't care one whit for what I thought, and in a marriage, yeah, I got a problem with that.
Quote: Who wouldn't love that? If he could have sex with his job, he'd be in seventh heaven.
I'm sorry to say this Corri but the fact that he wants to have sex with you isn't something to turn your cheeck to. It could be worse...your h could be like mine a workaholic who not only derives these pleasures from his job but also allows it to physically drain him to a point where sex is at the bottom of his list.
I'm not turning my cheek to him wanting to have sex with me. The statement was meant to indicate the level of his self-involvement. If he could have sex with his job, he wouldn't need anyone, much less me.
His job is taking its toll on his drive. It's taking a toll on him in many ways that he cannot see, physcially as well as mentally. You can only work 60+ hours a week for so long, I don't care who you are or what kind of work ethic you have.
Yeah, everyone can have it worse. No doubt about that. When in the bowels of self-pity, it is best to count your blessings, hm?
WTF?!!!! Oh my god!!! I didn't realize this. I thought he was my age. Damn...my whole imaginary version of Mr. Corri has to be reset now. This is freaking me out. 56....wow.
And NOP....I thought you were 60 for some reason. Dang.
Sorry for such an unproductive post.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
OK, I'll admit it...I had to step back from my self centerdness and realize that you were not referring to me when you said...
Quote: Yeah, everyone can have it worse. No doubt about that. When in the bowels of self-pity, it is best to count your blessings, hm?
something about being in the bowels of anything just made me want to get out of there and also gave me an idea for you which you've already stated but may be clouded by your own visit to self pity land.
Quote: His job is taking its toll on his drive. It's taking a toll on him in many ways that he cannot see, physcially as well as mentally. You can only work 60+ hours a week for so long, I don't care who you are or what kind of work ethic you have.
OK so as others have thoughtfully pointed out he may have his own "issues" and "needs" that have him considering another 3-5 yr commitment to this job.
You have concerns about this new extended commitment for several reasons...some selfish and some not (the above statements are clearly NOT selfish) but unfortunately what may have come across from you in your "argument" with him were only the selfish ones. (your feeling neglected as a result of his time spent at work)
So then, perhaps if you haven't already had that discussion with him about it you could take some time to thoughtfully list out your reasons for and against his going for this new job both the selfish and the selfless but when discussing the matter with him start with the selfless ones...that'll (hopefully) make him more receptive to your "selfish" reasons.
