I’m not sure that I can say this in a way that you’ll understand it, but as a man, I think your H is telling you the truth. When he tells you that he would much rather be home than at work, he’s telling the truth. When you tell him that you don’t believe him, he’s left without a defense. What could he have said that would have made you believe him?
Now for the hard part: the explanation. I don’t know much about you really. I don’t know how old you are, how old your H is, what your upbringing was like, or anything like that. What I do know is something about myself. I don’t mean to blame my problems and issues completely on my FOO, but my FOO does have a lot to do with it. I was raised in a very traditional, Ozzie and Harriet type of family where the husband was the provider and the wife was the homemaker. With that kind of upbringing, there are some things just built into who I am.
I think we got into this discussion once before when I was saying that I would never divorce because I simply didn’t believe in it. I said that I valued duty, honor, fidelity and perseverance, and that I had made a vow that included “for worse” and that I intended to keep that vow. It was/is important to who I am. I said that I felt responsible to and for W. I can’t remember if it was you or not, but there was some question at the time about whether that was an excuse, a cop-out, something to hide behind, or whether it was really me. Well, it’s really me.
Another similar issue is the relationship between a man and his job. I feel, and sometimes act, just like your H. It’s something that I struggle with on a regular basis. For many men, myself included, their job is a lot more than just their job. There are a lot of self-esteem and duty/responsibility/provider issues tied up in it. I know how you hate generalizations, but this is something that’s a uniquely man thing. Just as women (generally) have a nesting instinct, men have a working instinct. Being successful at what we do and providing well for our families is an important part of being “a man”.
In his view, he really wants to spend more time at home. But he needs to be successful. He needs to be a good provider. There is work that must be done, and he needs to be the stand-up guy who can be counted on to get the job done. It happens to me. And my W gets just as irritated as you obviously have. We have convos like this:
Mrs.WB (when I come in at 21:00): Oh, what do you know? You decided to grace us with your presence.
WB: Sorry, I got hung up trying to finish X.
Mrs.WB: It couldn’t wait until tomorrow?
WB: No. I’ve been tied up in so many meetings lately that I’ve gotten way behind on everything.
Mrs.WB: Why can’t co-worker do it? Why do you always have to be the one to go in early and stay late?
WB: Come on…, do you really think that co-worker could do it?
Mrs.WB: Well, no. But they can’t keep working you like this. Etc.
I don’t know if I can make you understand, but I’ve never actually made her understand. They’re not working me that hard; I’m working me that hard. It’s a choice I make because the work HAS to get done. I would much prefer to come home, but there is work that has to get done and I’m the one who has to do it. I’m good at what I do. My boss knows that when he assigns a job to WB, that job will get done – correctly and on time. That makes me successful. I get promotions. I get raises.
It doesn’t mean that I value my job more than I value my family. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. By being good at my job, I’m better able to be a good husband, a good father, a good “man”. I can be a better provider for them. When they have another RIF, I’ll have job security. I’m the go-to guy who can be counted on to get the job done. When I get a raise or a promotion, that puts me in a better position to provide for my family, both now and in the future.
I hope this doesn’t come off as sexist, but there’s been some recent discussion about the bond between a mother and her children. So tell me, as a mother, would you rather spend quality time playing with your small children, or wash the dishes, do the laundry, and clean the bathrooms? So why do you take time from your kids to do the dishes and the laundry and clean the bathrooms? Easy. Because it has to be done. Would you rather spend time with your teenagers playing board games, talking about the things going on in their lives, watching TV together – or would you rather spend your time nagging them to clean their rooms and do their homework while you continue with the cooking, laundry, and bathrooms? Sadly, their rooms need cleaning, their homework needs to be done, if nobody cooks you’ll all starve, the laundry won’t do itself, and the bathrooms can become a health hazard. The teenagers don’t have the initiative to do any of those things by themselves – so you do it.
You may not see those things as being the same as your H’s job, but I’ll bet he does. His work is something that he has to do. He would prefer to be at home, but work is something that simply must be done. Given the choice, he would be at home. But in order to be a good husband and father, he needs to be a good provider. And in order to be a good provider, he needs to be successful at work. And paradoxical though it may sound, he sometimes has to sacrifice his family in order to be a good provider for his family.
I know that this is long and rambling – but as you can tell, this is something that hits me right where I live. I hope this helps.
