I didn't hear from H all yesterday. This morning, the phone rang but I didn't pick up, as I was busy with something. The caller didn't leave a message and I don't have caller ID on the land line.

Later this evening, H called and left a message that he had tried to get hold of me since lunch time, and would I please ring back so he could talk to D? H sounded slightly peeved at not getting hold of us... but couched his request in terms of speaking to D, rather than me, although he had been trying to ring me while D was at school!

Anyhow, this evening I rang him. We talked for about ten to fifteen mintues, mostly it was H talking about the latest work on his project. He said a number of times, sorry to go on about all this... I said it was OK.

I asked what he had planned for the weekend. Said not much, he will go up to the nearby small town one of the days, another day maybe he will get together with the guy at the nearest bar to watch a film and smoke a cigar together. H said he hadn't met anyone for five days, but unlike last year when he felt terrible, this year he felt OK about it. He said the difference was that this year he had a 'project' to work on, whereas last year he had not much holding his attention. More time for his mind to wander and for him to feel lonely. Next week he is going to travel abroad for five days or so in connection with his project.

Then H asked, what about you? I told him about a party (sort of) I was having on Sunday for a couple of kids from D's class and their families. I have been in two minds the last few days about whether invite H here for the weekend. I had no idea whether it would be the right thing to do. Having been told for so long, explicitly and implicitly that he really holds out no hope for us, he doesn't want to be my husband any more, staying with OW instead of here when asked etc. I fear his rejection BIG time. It is a different matter to invite him here for things like Christmas and D's birthday, because there is always the cover of 'celebrations' to hide behind. I didn't want to hear H say - actually, I have arranged to stay with OW1 this weekend. Shows how detached I am, not.

Also, at this stage I have NO idea whether I need to just hang back and let H come to me, if that happens, or whether I need to make noises of encouragement and connection from my end.

I feel detached in some ways, but it is HARD to extend an invitation, have it rejected and NOT take it a little personally...

Also, I figure that some time on his own without an OW around will allow him to think about things more clearly. He might gain some perspective.

I would love to hear what others think about this.

So in the end, I left things without extending an invitation. Maybe after H comes back from his trip.

I received the book "Understanding the Mid-life Crisis" by Peter O'Connor in the post today. It throws some light on things, but doesn't offer any solutions or methods for dealing with it. But it does point out that it is a potentially creative and regenerative process, if the person having it sees it as such. It says that most men going through it take up 'creative' pusuits in one form or another, certainly my H has.

I feel I was given so little chance to put things right, in fact, no chance! H dropped the bomb one day, and by the end of the week he had fixed up this place in the hills and was out. I had no inkling about DBing or anything else, I was in a complete state about things as it was such a bolt from the blue. But looking back is not going to get me anywhere.

I also think that ultimately H was running away from responsibility. That however much *I* change for the better, H is going to be uninterested in getting 'entangled' in a family or home again. Perhaps he really does want to be 'free' again, and it has nothing to do with me or my failings. (I am thinking of Nikatnight's H here)

No doubt someone is going to come along and reprimand me for not being detached and thinking in terms of 'getting H home again', and they would be right. Only, I have not put any pressure on H about this, I avoid R talk from day to day.

One day at a time, one day at a time....

Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates