A BIG baby step?

[alaskangal]

I do feel rather overlooked in my own life sometimes...

Precisely why you need to take care of your own needs, too. I sense that you are so busy taking care of D and listening to H that you forget to do things for YOU! Remember, do some things that you enjoy. A great book after D is in bed, or better yet a relaxing bath or facial and tea...whatever it takes to pamper yourself a bit.

Hugs, Akgal

[Livnlearn]

Thanks Alaskangal,

I do try and take care of my needs, in a material way, but I am talking more about moral, physcological, and social support. That kind of needs to come from the outside. Although I have taken to giving myself some pep talks, some positive self-talk from time to time.

Anyway, some more jounaling.

Yesterday, when H rang he told me there was eight inches of snow up in the hills around his place. This morning we awoke with the same down here in the city. After walking D to school through the snow, I rang H to tell him.

I figured he is the one who always rings me, unless I ring him about logistics/D etc. This has been the case for more than a year. So I thought I would ring him just for a chat, as I know he gets a bit lonely there on his own, especially in this weather.

When he picked up the phone and heard it was me, I could hear the surprise in his voice. I hope it was pleasant surprise. I told him about the snow, and he was amazed, it doesn't usually snow too much down here in the city, or just sort of sleety snow which turns to mush in a trice.

Then H got to talking about his work and his favourite films and I was treated to his thoughts about things for the next 20 minutes!

I think I need to pick up the phone to chat to him now and again, to deposit some postive feelings for me in the bank. Feelings of warm friendship. But I shouldn't overdo it at this point.

One thing H mentioned was that though the winter is still hard to bear up at his place, he is not in a bad way like last year. He has mentioned more than once that psychologically, he was really bad last year, while this year he is much better. Interesting. He seemed pretty keyed up to me a number of times around Christmas and before...

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

Here I am again...

H rang this evening, and before speaking to D he chatted with me for ten minutes or so.

Then later this evening around 10.30 pm, just as I was thinking I should shut down my computer and go to bed, the phone rang. I immediately thought, that's late, I bet it's H, and it was.

He asked if I was still awake, as he had just had another idea for his project and wanted to tell me about it. So I listened to what he said, and made a few murmers and comments.

Then H said, you know, it is seven years ago that I first went to (my country of origin) and it has affected me the most of any counrty I have been to, including the one we live in now. I listened.

Later H was saying that the project he is doing now is the kind of thing he has been interested in for a very long time... and he has been through so many other 'careers' before this.

At that point, I got in that I really admired the way he has turned his hand to so many things in his life, and been good at them, and all self-taught. This is something I admire in my H. He is a pretty clever boy (when he isn't being a bird brain!!! )

I think H was a little taken aback, and he said, You do admire me for that? and I said, yes, I do.

Then H said, it's a pity that none of these things has earned me any money. And I pointed out that hundreds of great artists through the ages had not made much money through their work/art, many had to work at other things to earn their daily crust. I said a surprising number of folk who worked in so many 'creative' professions were in exactly the same predicament.

We talked maybe 20 mintues, then H said he had to go to sleep, but he thanked me for listening to him and said, good night!

Livnlearn

[sage]

AWESOME!

Sage

[Livnlearn]

Ellie,

I have a question for you. You remember H had that little growth and he was supposed to make an appointment for it to be removed? Well, about a month ago H told me that it just fell off one day, he just noticed it wasn't there any more, so now he is not going to do anything more about it. he's happy it has 'cleared up'.

I haven't had a look at the site to see if there is anything remaining at all, but should H have a follow up appointment to get it okayed? Does this kind of thing happen often, and what would it have been? It was pink/flesh coloured and a bit rough, as I recall, sort of like a small ball of dough stuck to the skin.

I am asking you all this (I know long distance cyber consultations are not the way to go) because H is living out in the sticks, far from his doctor, and he is not the type to go see one unelss he is very ill. So it would be up to me to suggest/persuade/nag him to go see one if necessary.

Thanks!

Livnlearn

[kml]

Well, there is something called a seborrheic keratosis - usually looks kind of greasy or scaly, somewhat irregular and "stuck on" looking. They are benign (non-cancerous) and can sometimes be picked off. So it is possible that is what is was.

But that is a pretty common thing and his physician ought to have been able to diagnose it by looking at it. Did they actually tell him they thought it was cancerous? Had they biopsied it before?

Of course, sometimes it can be hard to tell and they want to send it to pathology when they remove it just to be sure that is all it was.

My guess is, if they never had a firm idea that it was cancer, and the skin underneath is now smooth and normal, then it might have been a seborrheic keratosis. Any way you could just talk to his doctor about it yourself? (They wouldn't talk to you in the States, but I bet where you live the rules are more liberal.)

Ellie

[Livnlearn]

Thanks for your reply, Ellie. I will talk to H about it when I see him next, ask to look at the site of the growth and look stuff up on the internet.

H just phoned again, to share with me the news that his friend and collaborator in other country has got a new commission (for H and friend together) for a short but quite well paid project in the same field as H is working in at the moment, so H is very happy about that. I am happy for him and told him so.

I am glad that he rings ME to tell me his good news.

After sharing a little joke about the latest doings of D, he said, bye, I'll probably call you again tomorrow...

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

I didn't hear from H all yesterday. This morning, the phone rang but I didn't pick up, as I was busy with something. The caller didn't leave a message and I don't have caller ID on the land line.

Later this evening, H called and left a message that he had tried to get hold of me since lunch time, and would I please ring back so he could talk to D? H sounded slightly peeved at not getting hold of us... but couched his request in terms of speaking to D, rather than me, although he had been trying to ring me while D was at school!

Anyhow, this evening I rang him. We talked for about ten to fifteen mintues, mostly it was H talking about the latest work on his project. He said a number of times, sorry to go on about all this... I said it was OK.

I asked what he had planned for the weekend. Said not much, he will go up to the nearby small town one of the days, another day maybe he will get together with the guy at the nearest bar to watch a film and smoke a cigar together. H said he hadn't met anyone for five days, but unlike last year when he felt terrible, this year he felt OK about it. He said the difference was that this year he had a 'project' to work on, whereas last year he had not much holding his attention. More time for his mind to wander and for him to feel lonely. Next week he is going to travel abroad for five days or so in connection with his project.

Then H asked, what about you? I told him about a party (sort of) I was having on Sunday for a couple of kids from D's class and their families. I have been in two minds the last few days about whether invite H here for the weekend. I had no idea whether it would be the right thing to do. Having been told for so long, explicitly and implicitly that he really holds out no hope for us, he doesn't want to be my husband any more, staying with OW instead of here when asked etc. I fear his rejection BIG time. It is a different matter to invite him here for things like Christmas and D's birthday, because there is always the cover of 'celebrations' to hide behind. I didn't want to hear H say - actually, I have arranged to stay with OW1 this weekend. Shows how detached I am, not.

Also, at this stage I have NO idea whether I need to just hang back and let H come to me, if that happens, or whether I need to make noises of encouragement and connection from my end.

I feel detached in some ways, but it is HARD to extend an invitation, have it rejected and NOT take it a little personally...

Also, I figure that some time on his own without an OW around will allow him to think about things more clearly. He might gain some perspective.

I would love to hear what others think about this.

So in the end, I left things without extending an invitation. Maybe after H comes back from his trip.

I received the book "Understanding the Mid-life Crisis" by Peter O'Connor in the post today. It throws some light on things, but doesn't offer any solutions or methods for dealing with it. But it does point out that it is a potentially creative and regenerative process, if the person having it sees it as such. It says that most men going through it take up 'creative' pusuits in one form or another, certainly my H has.

I feel I was given so little chance to put things right, in fact, no chance! H dropped the bomb one day, and by the end of the week he had fixed up this place in the hills and was out. I had no inkling about DBing or anything else, I was in a complete state about things as it was such a bolt from the blue. But looking back is not going to get me anywhere.

I also think that ultimately H was running away from responsibility. That however much *I* change for the better, H is going to be uninterested in getting 'entangled' in a family or home again. Perhaps he really does want to be 'free' again, and it has nothing to do with me or my failings. (I am thinking of Nikatnight's H here)

No doubt someone is going to come along and reprimand me for not being detached and thinking in terms of 'getting H home again', and they would be right. Only, I have not put any pressure on H about this, I avoid R talk from day to day.

One day at a time, one day at a time....

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

A quick update...

Today I felt quite detached and OK. I had a delicious lie in in the morning, and D and I had a lovely cuddle.

Next, we played a game where I am D, and she is Mum. She had to get me up and out of bed and ready for the day, while I came up with all the lines that she usually uses to not get ready! We enjoyed ourselves hugely - me really getting into the part and stamping my feet and complaining and playing merry hell, and D scolding me continutously, wagging her finger and threatening to punish me and then laughing like a drain...

She did get breakfast sorted as part of her role - cutting the bread into slices, putting all the stuff on the table and making a banana milkshake! And she wore my housecoat, which is about a foot too long for her so it trailed on the ground all over the house....

After an hour or so of the game, which incidently was exhausting, we did some shopping and made two kinds of cake for a party tomorrow. And D finished a good part of her weekend homework. A really nice day. With plenty of attention just for D.

Towards evening, H rang. He just said, thought I'd say hi, so I said, hi! We chatted about this and that.

Then H said, actually, I had been thinking about asking you if I could come down for the weekend, but then I thought I should get on with stuff up here, workwise... but how would it be if I came down at the end of this week and stayed a couple of nights before going off to (other country)? If I stay up here much longer I will be getting cabin fever.

I said it was no problem. H talked about maybe getting to see some of his friends (he named some male ones) as he hadn't seen anyone in ages.

I would like to see him before he leaves for this trip, as he is going to discuss his project with people who could possibly see it come to fruition. I would like to let him know that I wish him the best in his endeavour. But I am glad I didn't jump the gun to invite him, I still feel he needs to make the moves, maybe if things get warmer in the future I will feel comfortable suggesting things myself.

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

I had a dream last night, that we had moved to a new house, already furnished, and that H couldn't wait to get to bed and get his hands on me. He started blurting out what a terrible mistake it had all been, that he had just got temporarily caught up by the moment, thinking he was on to a good thing with OW1 and then OW2... I remember feeling gratified, but distinctly awkward and not knowing how to handle this sudden turn of events... and then feeling confused when I woke up, of course!

Oh, and he mentioned that fear of what people like my sis and brother-in-law would say was a factor in keeping him distant for so long... He has burned a few bridges.

D wanted to play our "role reversal' game AGAIN, but today I was being 'good' as I didn't have the energy or inclination to be 'bad' and D was disappointed and kept asking me to be bad as it was more FUN! But before we played, as she was asking me to, she said she liked it as it allowed her to see things from my point of view...

Well, down to more house cleaning and baking for this tea party!

Livnlearn