Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks for all your visits and good wishes. Here's the report of my day.
The drive up into the hills takes about an hour and a quarter. The landlord and family were very freindly and chatty. It was a beautiful morning, and we were going through a part of the world I used to spend much more time in, in the early days of our marriage. I started to feel quite emotional. I teared up, but brought myself under control before anyone noticed, I think. I think I was grieving the fact of H's whole other life without me for the last nearly two years.
When we arrived, I gave H a kiss on the cheek. I gave him a jar of peanut butter, which you can't get everywehre in this country and which he loves. I figured when he eats it he will think of moi...
At first he seemed a little distant and distracted. After having a coffee, we went for a walk for about an hour, behind his house. It is really isolated, we saw some cars on the road below, but didn't meet anyone otherwise. We talked about all kinds of things, nothing heavy or R related. A few fond reminiscences too.
One thing he did tell me, which I didn't know before. On his trip abroad, not long before the bomb, and just before my trip, a friend/work colleague that he travelled with made comments about H's work that I think H took very much to heart, and he became depressed about it. It put him off that kind of work and steered him into the stuff he is doing now. He felt he wasn't good at what he was doing, and never would amount to much in that field. Yet I got an email from H this trip (presumably before this talk) that was very upbeat, telling me how much he loved what he was doing, and addressing me very affectionately. Looks like what this guy said really punctured H's confidence.
Then H made us lunch, and we played some rounds of Othello, and D9 beat me, as she has had lots of practice up here with her Dad and I have hardly played it. D showed me around the place nearby, and the various stray cats.
H also asked me to look at more of his project and give him my comments. I tried to validate while offering constructive comments.
Then D continued to watch something on a DVD while H and I took another walk in the other direction, and he showed me various old houses and paths etc. Again, no heavy talk.
Here are some little things from the convo.
He said he was not into cycling any more. This, from the man who has owned fabulous bikes and wanted to cycle across a continent. We both set out years ago, in different directions to cross different continents, and it is telling that I did more to achieve my aim than he did, though neither of us managed the whole trip for various reasons. Anyway, I hope it is just a passing phase of H's, I want to tempt him to come on a bike trip of some sort with me, maybe. Maybe even just a weekend or something. H is very proud of being fit from having to do so much walking where he lives. I came back feeling good from having done a load of exercise in the fresh air.
H also said a couple of times, that we could do something or the other 'next time when D and I were staying the night' and there was more time.
And once when D was playing up, H said to her, look, I have been really looking forward to you and Mummy coming up, so please don't spoil it! He seemed rather angry about her 'intrusions' - I don't know if it was respressed anger from something else, or frustration at not being able to finish a sentence.
H said to me that usually when only D comes up, she doesn't have to compete with me (Livnlearn) for his attention. I think H enjoyed having an adult to talk to, and resented D's frequent buttings into the conversation! Poor D!
We were also talking about H's friend in a nearby country, that he is visiting soon, and who has stayed here as recently as last year. H mentioned his wife, and asked if I had met her. I said, no, and H said, I am sure you will one of these days. Hmmmmmmmmmmm???
I also gave him some news about my sister and her H. I think if H were to consider getting back with me, the fact of having to face my sis, brother-in-law and some friends would be daunting, as he had words with some of them, in the explosive days after the bomb when I wasn't DBing... I only found DB seven months after the bomb.
I also fed H some info about my life, funny things my students have said, so he can see I am busy and working, and other things that I have done, so he can see I have a social life too.
Anyway, we were only there for a few hours, but had a good time, and there were no bad moments, except for D playing up a little.
H asked how I liked the place before we left, and I said it was cute (his place is small and not luxurious, the setting is lovely) but I could understand how in the winter on his own it might not always be a barrel of laughs.
And that was that! I will email him shortly to thank him and say how much I enjoyed the day.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Sounds like he's a whole lot more open to being friends with you. And maybe more?
Anyway, great job on listening!
Your D acted out something D10 told me awhile back. She told me if her dad and I reconciled, she would be jealous. I was very shocked, until she explained why. She said that over the past 2 years, she had grown very accustomed to being the sole object of attention by either me or her dad--without having to share us.
So it looks like your D9 has some similar feelings. They're nothing to fret about, though. Change is always scary.
Glad you had a good visit.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I emailed H my thanks, and sent along a couple of digital snaps that I took and a drawing from D. H replied with thanks for the drawing and praise for it.
H has said all along that he wants friendship with me - right from the time of the bomb. It could be all that he wants right now, of course.
I have to keep my expectations LOW LOW LOW, and get on with my life in good spirits as if he is not in my life, when we are not together.
I have got to keep the presssure off him by not being 'too' friendly at this stage. I couldn't help ending my email with a 'x' by my name, and wonder if this constitutes pushiness? He did not reply in kind!
Then again, I include xxxxs with many of my friends!
Thanks for all your visits folks.
Betsey, yes, your point about jealousy is well taken. I had a word with D last night, basically said that things between H and I were delicate, and that she should try to allow us some space when all three of us are up there - just good manners really. But I have to make sure she doesn't get sucked in to feeling as if she is in any way responsible for the R between H and myself.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
In between D9 being a lovely girl, she is these days showing up big doses of insolence, disobedience, intransigence, rudeness etc. It is really getting me down. I try to talk to her about this when we are calm. It is hard not to take her bad behaviour personally when there are only the two of us in the house. We just had a big blow up. I cancelled a visit to my friend, as D has not completed her homework and was very rude to boot.
H phoned a while ago, and he talked at length about his stuff, his interests, a film he watched etc, etc. I listened, and added a few things. Could tell H wanted to get back to what HE was saying... His convos really are all about him these days, his thoughts, his projects etc. I don't really come into it.
I do feel rather overlooked in my own life sometimes...
D being a kid is mostly about D. H is all about H these days. I feel metally exhausted. And tired of the continual running war with D over things - getting ready for school in the morning ON TIME, doing homework ON TIME, etc.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Oh well, the crisis has blown over. D buckled down and did her homework sweetly after all
Though our visit still remains cancelled.
I think the key to diciplining children seems to be NOT TO TAKE THEIR 'BAD' BEHAVIOUR PERSONALLY!!! Why can't I din this into my head and make it stay there?
Even if D is rude, it is about D being rude, because she hasn't learned well enough that some things are rude to say, NOT because I am someone who deserves it.
It is hard to enforce boundaries with a bolshie, feisty little girl who is growing up and rebelling.... without getting worked up myself.
Livnleearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
