H arrived in time for a late lunch. It is a very balmy warm day, H said it was even warmer up in the hills... (so we could have gone up to his place really...)
He brought along a bottle of (red!) wine, paid a fair amount for it, and when I commented on him spending more than his usual budget, he said, well, I thought I'd bring something along, after all, I'm always drinking your wine. (He noticed!!!!)
Then said to D, do you want to come along into town with me later? I started to feel the usual reaction - H leaving me out of stuff when he's at my house etc etc etc, although I said nothing. A little later, he said to me, do you want to come?
I asked him what he would be doing, he said, buying stuff for his pipe and some DVDs. I elected to stay behind and finish house cleaning and other stuff, otherwise it would be the start of the week again before I knew it, and I have to have a clean house when students and suchlike come here. Plus, I thought I'd use the time to get my head together a bit. My mood wasn't fantastic - nothing bad, just sort of dull and blah.
See, the thing is, H really is a cool customer. If he comes and stays here, it should be for him to ask if it is OK to go out and take D with him, not for him to just ask D like that. He ain't just using this place as his base. This isn't just 'accomodation' for H, if he stays here the weekend it is as one of us.
And for the record, this has been his attitude throughout the marriage, sort of - he can come and go as he pleases, drop in and out of our lives, in some way.
Anyhow, I asked him to try and open up the blind casing. It had been stuck or a week and no one who tried could open it. I thought it would offer the perfect opportunity for H to do something... like, heroic, ahem, or at least, male. I told him two people had tried already, in addition to myself. He asked who? I just said, students.
He eventually forced it open, as the casing was warped. I thanked him, and he replied, it wasn't difficult.
Then he proceeded to instruct me about how to go about repairing it. Later he said, well, you did that other one in D's room, so you know. I just agreed.
He told me how his latest pipe was fantastic. I have to say, tobacco stains on his lips and teeth is NOT an appealing sight. But otherwise he looks well, and slim.
He has brought down a clutch of DVDs to watch, said he wanted to watch one in particular with me, as he wanted to know what I thought of it!
And he also brought down his latest version of his project for me to look at.
Well, that's it from me in Livnlearnland...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - Looking like lots of good stuff. Do you find you are able to stay on your course by continuing to have goals for yourself? I ask because I'm finding myself going back to basics just to calm myself
Will just describe in genereal what we did, and then add some points of interest.
We really just ate, played cards, hung out, watched a number of films on DVD and went for a walk in the park. D took her scooter along and we all had fun on that, having competitions and races etc. It was a relaxed, family weekend.
After D and H returned from town on Saturday evening, I started to make dinner. D and H started watching a cartoon video. Half way through she and H stopped to come and have dinner, then we all three watched the second half. Not so great for me as I hadn't seen the first half!
Then, we decided to watch Groundhog Day. Just at that point, my sister rang, and she was on the phone for 45 minutes. She has just returned from a trip to our country of origin, so had lots to relate and report. I didn't want to cut her short, and if I had mentioned that H was here, she would have got annoyed and told me off, no doubt. So I just kept on until she was ready to ring off.
At that point, it was quite late, and H started to say it was too late to start watching a film. I told D she needed to get to bed, and H said he wanted to turn in as well. I felt distinctly annoyed, and said fine, you do whatever. So much for our social evening.
They went to bed, and then I sat up and watched Groundhog Day on my own. I got over feeling annoyed, decided I would just do something to please myself for a change and enjoyed the movie. I reminded myself I really was watching the movie 'cause I wanted to, not to spite anyone else, and it was true. My H has the habit of saying, let's watch this movie, then half way through, yawning and saying, I'm afraid I have GOT to turn in, I'm feeling too sleepy. It would have been a movie that HE wanted to see, and that *I* ended up watching to the end because I don't like watching movies only half way!
I am beginning to understand better how to take care of my needs. They are as important as anyone elses. I don't have to ride roughshod over others, but I do need to speak up and state what they are. And I have to learn to say no sometimes as well.
Anyhow, both D and H have seen Groundhog Day before, so we are now on a level playing field!
It's a good movie. It sort of proves that saying, "How we live our days is how we live our lives". It also illustrates DBing principles - how we behave with others affects their reactions to us, and sets up cycles of behaviour. And he gets the girl by changing himself for the better and acting as if. He gets lots of practise in though, beforehand! Also, when he does a 180° in his reaction to the insurance salesman, he gets a 180° reaction in return!
After breakfast and D's homework session on Sunday, we went to the park. We had fun, but it was SOOOOOOO hard not to just link arms with H. We have spent years of our lives going to that park as husband and wife, as friends and lovers, and to not be able to touch him was difficult. The most difficult part of the weekend was just having H there in front of me and having to keep my hands off, in even the little ways. No familiarity, no affectionate touches, nothing. I have no way of knowing if it is as difficult for H or what.
H talked a lot. In various connections he again stated that he 'didn't repect' such and such, another time he said 'whenever he rages about the world', and other such expressions of turmoil and angst. More and more, I realise that H projected on to me most of his own inner turmoil at bomb time. I too have been a ranter and rager at the world, but not recently, not in the past few years. H appears to be going through an adolescent phase that he missed out on earlier. Yet I mistakenly believed when I first married him that HE was the one to have most stuff worked out in his mind better than I did...
At one point, H said that he didn't have enough time left in his life. It took so long for one to get out of one's adolescence, (his words) and that's what he needed to do, and there was so little time left... I think in this period, if H really does learn to stand on his own two feet, without OW crutches right there, it may indeed be a period of growth for him.
Will continue in another post...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H talked about his project and asked me for my imput, some of which I was able to do.
He talked about getting into this new field eventually, and making much more money and getting more satisfaction from his work. He said, if I ever make much more money, it would not just affect myself, there are others involved too, for instance, D could have better opportunities... (sounds a little different from his previously wanting to run away from responsibilities).
But, H also talked about how the projects of the last few years now bore him. Stuff he was talking excitedly about just a couple of months ago. He bought an expensive piece of equipment just months ago, and he is already bored by the notion of doing a full project with it.
This propenisty of H's to take up new stuff and then get bored with it very quickly is the theme running through his life. He starts with a bang, picks up stuff really well and fast, he is intellegent, then gets bored and drops it like a hot brick. I have to figure out whether there's any chance I will be anything more than a dropped hot brick in his life.
Oh yes, I finally asked him to please take up all the cartons of his stuff from the office, up three flights of stairs into the attic. Which he did. I had been agonising over this, feeling that by asking him to do it he would see it as rejection/clearing him out of my life,/whatever. Then I realised, it has been nearly two years, so need to have some decent space in this house, and actually H cares 'nada' about the stuff in the boxes, he doesn't WANT any of it! As we have the space to store this stuff, it's there, otherwise I would have got him to sort through it and throw out the junk and take away the rest. I just don't want to apply 'pressure' at this moment. Maybe later, as there's more stuff, only not in boxes.
H made references to both OW, once each, during the weekend. And it made me realise just how much I didn't want to share my H with OW. I am not detached enough to be happy to spend time with him, indefinitely, as just a friend, I want him back as my H. Does that mean I am not really his friend now? Because I have an agenda? Don't the OW also have their (more selfish) agendas?
OK, D and H were talking about next weekend, and H asked me about it. I said, it is officially the weekend when you have D, so she can go up. D said, can't Mummy can't up too? H looked at me and said, are you coming?
(This felt very half hearted to me, is H not that keen, is he playing cool to not lose face and seem to be changing his mind, what?)
I said, well, it is D's weekend with you, and if I'm invited, I'll come up. So H said, OK, we'll see what the weather's like, it will not be fun cooped up in my house if there's bad weather, I warn you.
So, as of now, D is going up, that's if the landlords are going, of course, and I'll go up if the weather forecast is good. I must say, this sounds a little iffy to me. Surely we can spend one and a half days at his place, whatever the weather? I ain't a princess...
Late Sunday evening, we watched a Hitchock film together after D was in bed, and then I kissed H goodnight on both cheeks. Told bim, you always get to kiss me,(while I kiss air) I just want to kiss you for a change! He smiled and accepted them, and kissed me back.
Other stuff - he praised my cooking to the skies. H asked what was for dinner on Saturday, and I said, I am only making simple, plain old ---------- for dinner, (as H doesn't usually want to eat at night). H replied, but Livnlearn, YOUR plain old ---------- is not any old ------------ , it is like a plain old Da Vinci (or some other 'master') and we laughed, and I snorted and chortled, and we continued with some more inane repartée. He was really looking forward to dinner and ate a load.
Here's the TYPICAL scene at breakfast. I am making toast. Ask H if he wants any? H replies, no thanks, I never have breakfast.
D and I are sitting and eating, and we make a bet that the folowing will happen, and it does. H turns up and says oh, you're having toast with peanut butter , in which case of course I'll have some!!! D and I laugh and shake hands on winning our bet!
There's probably more that came up, but I have to get on with other things this morning, so I'll catch up later.
Basically, the weekend was pleasant, without any bad moments, just a couple of slightly tense ones that I managed for the most part to keep under control from my end. No waves of affection coming from H, no little stolen glances, nothing like that. Distance.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Any thoughts about sending H a Valentine egreeting? H is not that hot on stuff like that anyway, and it wouldn't break my heart not to send one or even receive one, but does anyone here think that H might like to get one? Will he be getting any from the OW?????
Maybe a slightly witty, low key one?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
We must have cross posted, hence I didn't see this till now.
Goals? I still haven't got around to posting mine in detail. I seem to fly by the seat of my pants, but I have got a few little things under my belt better than in the early days -
I try not to react to things immediatley, or at least keep things to myself and work through them.
I try to listen, not butt in, and validate as best I can.
I try to be upbeat and my best self.
I try not to smother, control or otherwise treat H as my kid.
I try not to take things too personally, or to assume. At least, I jump to the worst conclusions, then tell myself not to assume!
See, just having H here for the weekend has severely tested my detachment...
I want my H home, NOW, in my bed, and as my husband !! Wah!
But, patience, patience, patience....
Some positives I detected from the weekend -
H and I didn't get into any arguments or disagreements.
He didn't get any phone calls on his cell phone, that I was aware of.
________________________________________________________
Ack! H just called to say that he enjoyed the weekend. I said, that's nice, I was afraid that we didn't really do anything much... H said, that's why I enjoyed it so much!
I ventured to suggest that next time he is down here, we might go on a cycle ride... H said, I don't have a bicycle. I said, you could bring yours down (he paid good money for it and never uses it up where he is), so he said, I suppose I could do, could even ride it down sometime, maybe in April...
This is what we used to do, in fact the reason we got together in the first place, nearly 19 years ago. We used to go out on day-long bike rides together.
I found a funny, risqué ecard, that sort of makes a joke about our breakfast this morning. Still debating whether to send it. Don't know whether it will scare him off, or give him some encouragement. It is funny/very suggestive but not soppy or too personal.
Anyone?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I am still mullling over the card. A bit of flirting might bring a smile to his face, though it might scare him off... Might just wait till another time. Dunno.
Other things I remembered from the weekend.
H asked if I had any plans for the summer holidays this year. Apropos of nothing much in particular. I just sounded vague in reply, as I have nothing cast in stone yet, for sure.
I mentioned that my sis would be coming out to visit in May, and H said, well I'll have to keep out of the way then.
This shows that H knows how dispapproving my sis is of him and his behaviour. It also suggests that otherwise H had plans to 'be around' some in May... Maybe I need to let him know somehow that he is worth fighting for, despite my sis's and my friend's disapproval?
Talking of which, said friend rang on Saturday afternoon and asked me to her place for dinner, I told her I couldn't make it as H was here... Don't now how well that went down, but I can't control everyone's reactions and thoughts.
Livnlearn, again
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
(He noticed!!!!)
