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Me? I haven't been going a year yet and I'm exahusted with it allllll.




Mojo! I hope you haven't keeled over with exhaustion on your keyboard, specifically the 'l' key??

Well after trying to get in touch with the landlord all evening, they seemed to have left their phone off the hook! Anyway, H told me this morning that they arrived with their car full. So that's put paid to our weekend.

H on the phone says, so, do you have any plans for the weekend... I said, well, I did have some plans... and H laughs and says, I'm sorry about that!

H was OK, but still didn't hang around on the phone much. Said his plan for the weekend was no more than to try out three different sorts of tobacco in his new pipe. He has already gotten rid of an earlier pipe he bought, that was all the rage when he bought it. He loves this latest one...

Ok, so I was reading the Jim Conway book. He had a midlife crisis, that seemed to last less than a year. He didn't have an affair or lose his wife, but he evidently thought about doing so. He has councelled others in his role as pastor.

Here's what he says about how a wife can help in midlife (I have pulled out bits I thought particularly helpful) -

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Understanding the problem She should view her husband's midlife crisis as a stage in his developmental process, but not as a kind of flu.... it is not a temporary frustration that he'll shake off in a day or two. He's in a three to five year developmental process, much the same as a teen becoming an adult.

She may feel that a nightmare has somehow intruded into their previously peaceful life... If she doesn't understand the overall crisis, she is likely to believe everything her husband says about her - that his crisis is her fault.

A woman needs to be prepared for the widely vacillating moods her husband will experience. It's like riding a roller coaster - you are sometimes upside down and the person next to you continually vomits all over you. (empahsis mine! ) You want to get off - and you want help. But your husband says, "Leave me alone! I never wanted to get on this ride in the first place! It's all your fault!"

A wife should be prepared to be blamed for her husband's depression and their bad marriage - everything! He may say, "I want to be happy, loved, admired, I want sex, and youth. But I can't have any of these because I am stuck in this stale marriage with you - my elederly, sickly, complaining, nagging wife."

....A wife is going to need a great deal of strength to handle this unrighteous onslaught from her husband as he lists her failures.

...It's easy for a wife to step into a mothering role when she sees her husband hurting... If he identifies her as his mother, he is apt to reject her - because duing his midlife crisis he is looking more for a "girlfriend" than a "mother".

Being attractive Remember that men are more visiual than feelings oriented. It is important during her husband's crisis that his wife work on her physical attractiveness - weight and muscle tone and wardrobe....
Perhaps at no other time in their married life is she so likely to be in competition with other women. It's as if the couple are winning each other all over again. Don't ever use the phrase, "Look, Bubba, you made a vow when we married!" Win him, don't threaten him!

If a wife can swing with the punches and hang on to her sanity, she'll make it though the midlife crisis with her husband. Studies have repeatedly shown that despite their fantasies men are not dashing off to marry young women.

The wife is stronger than she realizes. In our work with thousands of couples we've found that the growing, flexible wife has a very high probability of not only keeping her husband, but having a stronger marriage.

Learning to help ...find out what it is all about.... be patient.... don't reproach him..... be an angel...

He doesn't like to be alone but he doesn't know how to share the pain he is feeling. A woman can help her husband durng this time by building his self image, reminding him of the areas in which he is successful. He may outwardly reject her attempts.... but her encouragment will help to maintain his self-esteem....

Encourage him to attempt new areas of growth - career alternatives, more study, training, new skills etc...

There are times when a man wants to be alone and simply stare out of the window. Those times, especially during the depression and withdrawal phrases of the crisis, are important and positive for the recovery. A wife whould allow him those experiences.



I think he is pretty much on the money.

I was in completely blissful ignorance when this whole thing started. If I had known then what I know now, who knows how different things might have been.

Talk about being in competition with other women - H used to constantly make remarks about how wonderful OW1 was when we were still together. Even about stuff like cooking, which is weird, as I am a pretty good cook, no false modesty here. And clothes. OW1 is NOT a good dresser, and that struck me as odd!! At the bomb, while H was telling me that OW1 had nothing to do with his decision, he at the same time told me that I was more beautful than her, which immediatley told me something, as I had not even asked for his opinion.

So I guess I have to plug on with the validation and being attractive!

Livnlearn


"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates