I do know what you mean, but sometimes, the utter ridiculousness of sitting through hours of H's pronouncements, many of which are baseless, gets a little tiring! And it IS also so much about HIM HIM HIM!
This particular story was not about disputing his feelings - he talked about showing something to his father, when his father was already long dead, so he couldn't have done it. H didn't take it badly when I pointed it out to him, but I thought it was an example of the many lapses in memory that he seems to have these days.
He often talks about thinks we did or said with such vagueness, one wouldn't think we had been married for ten years and apart for only two. Of course, from H's perspective, he has lived those two years 'with' two other women, so his experiences have been totally different from mine. I am still in the family home, with our child, and not with any other man, so my life hasn't changed as much as his has. But it hurts when he is SOOOO vague about *US* things.
Should I butt in more with stuff about ME ME ME?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Got the Men in MLC book by the Conway guy and had a quick skim. Basically sees MLC as inevitable in every man's life and enjoins compassion for it.
Wondering what approach to take to this weekend with H at his place? I hope I am not nervous. It will be wierd. I wonder if it will be equally significant for H as it will be for me?
I plan to stand well back from any mothering/controlling/fixing role and let him play host. But plan to take up some kind of edible gift.
The strange thing is that our original short 'courtship' began (after we had been friends for years) when I visited him out in this country for a two week holiday, and he was living in a rather primitive place, so it will be a bit of déjà vu... Only this time there is a foal at foot!
I sent him a very short, upbeat but inconsequential email a while ago, hoping to deposit something in his love bank. He has said he gets lonely up there on his own.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Wondering what approach to take to this weekend with H at his place? I hope I am not nervous. It will be wierd. I wonder if it will be equally significant for H as it will be for me?
The basic rules apply - zero expectations, high PMA. Be happy, beautiful, enjoying the countryside. Avoid R talks. Reward his good behaviors, ignore the bad. Speak his love languages. Do some 180s.
Guess if I have 'WOA' written somewhere about my person as an aide de memoire and H sees it, he will think I have to rein in my passions... (WHOAH!!! )
180s? I will have to think of a couple...
The last few times I have had him visitng here at home, I have wanted so much to give him a neck message, especially when he has told me about the crick in his neck when using the computer at his place, with a low table and high chair.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
"Where do you get your patience from? You are just amazing."
Is that what it looks like to you? Oh my. I DO waver all the time... actually, I get renewed bouts of patience (derived from a wider perspective and injections of understanding and compassion) from reading around a lot, on this BB, other internet sites, and I've ordered a load of books recently, and some arrived today.
I had very warm and positive and compassionate feelings about H today, and though I didn't get any reply to my email, I picked up the phone this evening and asked him if he wanted me to bring up his special computer chair from down here. He had mentioned sending it up one time with D in the car. So I thought I would confirm whether he wants it and also make a change by ringing him, rather than waiting till he rings me.
H sounded very flat. Said it wouldn't fit in the car with both of us going up, in all probability. Then he said, I will ring the landlord to confirm when he is going. He rang back in a short bit and said, landlord is either just going up for the day, or if they stay overnight it will be because their daughter-plus-kid is going as well, so there won't be ANY place in the car for me or D. But H will know by tomorrow, rather last minute, I fear.
H said, you could always just come up for the day if you can.
Then he said, I'll ring to speak to D later, I'm off for a shower now.
More flatness. Won't stay on the line a minute more than necessary. It is hard to be 'as if' and upbeat when the other party is sooooo FLAT, you begin to feel like a clown trying to raise a laugh... Guess I'll leave off that for now. He has been strange all week.
Guess I will just plug on from my end. Nothing heavy, just upbeat.
Livnlearn
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OK, D just returned from an evening with her friend. She hadn't even got inside the flat, was still on the stairs when I could hear stanping of feet and wailing. I asked what was up. She didn't reply. I could feel my blood pressure beginnning to rise as she just kept at it and refused to come into the house.
After I gritted my teeth and thought to myself, "Why me? Why do I have all these 'difficult' characters to deal with every day of my life...???" I got a grip, sat down on the sofa, having left the front door ajar, and continued calmly reading my book, The Mastery of Love!
D came in a few minutes later, slammed the door, dumped her bag and coat on the floor, stomped off...
I remained my calm lovely self, dished up dinner. She made a scene about what we were eating, (I just told her to finish up, if not, no story or whatever), she grumbled about stuff in school today...
I uh huh-ed a bit and went about my business. I did NOT react. Good on Livnlearn.
Eventually she ate up, and I helped her with a spot of repairs on her craftwork.
After brushing her teeth quickly, she got into bed all in a good mood, and we had proper good night kisses and hugs!
I must remember, perhaps emblazon it on my forehead - Someone ELSE's tantrum REALLY isn't MY problem!!
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I just emailed H with a suggestion that we come up by bus, although it only drops us off about three miles from his house. If it is a dry day, walking it is not a problem.
I also talked a little about something we started to debate over lunch. Some friendly, I hope, chat.
Will keep you posted on his reply.
Another thing. I spoke to a friend today and I asked about another friend. Friend 2 I like a lot, but we don't meet up that much, although when we do meet we have a good time. She is single, was seeing this guy (whom I have never met) and who I understood was divorced with a kid. Friend 2 falls pregnant, it seems the guy is not so thrilled. Found out today that Friend 2 has had her baby, guy was present, has visitied baby once since then. He lives a few cities away. Turns out he was only separated, was 'in the process of separating', but now is still living with his wife! Seems he is not keen to leave his wife! Ha!
I believe that Friend 2 started seeing this guy on the basis that he was separated, not that he was married. In this country, you have to be separated for three years before you can get divorced. I think that may be a good thing, as it allows some time for the dust to settle to see whether the marriage is REALLY irretrievable. But things can sure get messy if one or other partner gets involved with third parties prematurely. I am sorry for Friend 2, she's a nice person.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H rang me about three hours after I sent the email - said he had been out and stopped by at w3's place too.
Said he was unhappy about me and D walking along the road between the bus stop and his place, it is pretty far, the road is narrowish without any pavement (sidewalk), with plenty of cars, and if the weather is bad, it's a no no.
So I accepted his advice and we'll just see if the landlord is going up without his daughter tomorrow, so we can spend the day up there.
H added that in another month the days will be much longer and the weather possibly pleasanter, as it often is in March. So maybe it's for the best...
H even spoke for a few mintues on the subject that I included to chat about in my email, but not an earth shatteringly warm convo.
You know, I am getting tired of my weekend prgrammes being CONSTANTLY up in the air, mainly depending on whether H's landlord is doing something or not. It is not directly H's fault, but it is tiresome nonetheless. Maybe I can validate H's difficulites regarding transport?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H rang latish this evening, to say he had been trying to ring the landlord all evening and their phone was off the hook. They don't switch their cell phone on till the weekend, when they go up to the hills.
H sounded rather p!ssed off but resigned, said it was typical of them to say they would let him know about something, but then forget or get everything mixed up.
H actually said he was disappointed, he had got the place in order and had washed the sheets and everything...
I felt for him. I said I would continue trying to ring them until it was too late in the evening. It's getting that way now!
Yet, despite H seeming down about it, he didn't stay long on the phone. I asked if he wanted to speak to D and he said, sadly, no, he would call her tomorrow. H said, often D doesn't have anything to say to him. I commiserated with him somewhat.
Sounds flat all right.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Only this time there is a foal at foot!
It is not directly H's fault, but it is tiresome nonetheless. Maybe I can validate H's difficulites regarding transport?