A BIG baby step?

[Livnlearn]

Hello JL

Thanks for popping in - you've been away for long periods from this BB, haven't you?

Now for a little update -

Uuuuuuuuuuurk!

H rings this evening, and asks if I have had a look at his project. I tell him I am part way though reading the many pages of it. It needs my concentration to really think about what I am reading. H asks what I think and we have a long conversation about it, about half an hour. He does most of the talking and explaining of points.

At one point he says that OW2 is also helping him on this project Urrrk and yuck! I feel like a pony hictched up with another one to a two horse cart with H at the reins. I can understand that she has helped in the past, but it turns my stomach that she is still helping now, and he still wants my input as well, like we are all friends in one big happy family.

On the other hand, bridge building and H reaching out is a golden opportunity. No doubt if he HID the fact that OW2 was anywhere in the picture, even as a friend, I would be thinking less of him for that. At this stage I can see that H is still clueless about how I feel in all of this mess.

Thoughts?

Livnlearn

[kml]

PUKE!!!

That's all I have to say.

Ellie

[Livnlearn]

I would really appreciate some perspectives on this. I can feel my PMA and resolution to act 'as if' slipping the more I think of this situation.

See, this project of H's is related to my counrty of origin, and he no doubt wants my feedback from that perspctive. But I don't really feel like collaborating, even minimally, on something that OW2 also has a hand in. H is really having his cake, eating it, enjoying it etc.

I imagine OW2 is basking in the glow of being the 'winner' in H's circular, the one who is 'most attractive' to H...

Funnily, last year when H confided about OW1, she was the one who was the 'mostest' - most compatable in bed, felt that 'connection' with her etc etc. Now it is OW2 who is the bees knees, and OW1 has been relegated to being a mere 'sister'! LOL! Livnlearn, of course, is way down the line, being merely the 'mother of his child' and 'wife' and 'oldest friend'...

Actually, I am beginning to think that OW2 is some kind of a fraud, more and more. There are things that H has told me about her, that somehow just don't quite add up. And considering he told me that my 'not working' was what killed his love for me, it seems he has 'helped' OW2 with money and he can't understand why 'such an intellegent woman' is so poor... So many 'bad things' happen to OW2, poor soul. Hmmmmm.

It looks like H is all about his ambition at the moment. Family, responsibilties, kid, committment, all come in the way of his ambition. But he does need an ally, an aid to all this, just someone who won't 'pressure' him.

When is he going to grow up?

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

Ok guys,

I have just ordered a slew of books that I have heard about from these boards - Understanding the Mid-life Crisis, Men in Mid-life Crisis, Not just friends, After the Affair, The Four Agreements, Mastery of Love.

I hope to gain much new perspective and I do hope that I am not just ordering books and reading them as a way of avoiding GAL!!

One thing I read on, I think, CeeGee's thread, is that when a WAS talks to you about their OP, it is, in Shirley Glass's opinion, a way of opening up 'couple space' between the two of you and putting up a wall, however small, between WAS and OP. I am sure H has talked/unloaded at length to both OW about me, but on the other hand, he has also told me things about them, so it goes both ways, hehehe. And so much of what he has told me is not exactly flattering

I shall have to zip my lips about OW 1&2, and carry on being the best *I* can be.

By the way, I had lunch with my good friend yesterday. I found her behaviour a good illustration of just how annoying and 'unfriendly' non-validation or even 'contradiction' can be. I made some comments, not exactly complaints, just about how I was feeling sad about having lost so many close relatives recently (and D having so few relatives in her age group or in our continent), and she immdeidately went into a long speech about how SHE didn't worry about such stuff, she just got on with life blah blah. It sounded like more of a ticking off than anything else.

Very odd, because - 1) I wasn't exactly complaining or blaming, just having a sad moment and 2) A few years ago when she left her husband, I listened to her for HOURS and HOURS on the phone, in person, I dropped everything to go over to her house and be with her etc etc etc. She has even aknowledged that I was one of her few friends/relatives to just LISTEN and BE THERE and not judge or insist on offering advice. But the last few months she has been pretty strange with me in return. makes me want to PULL BACK. Interesting, huh?

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

While I wait for the other books to arrive, I suppose I could re-read Divore Remedy and Divorce Busting!

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

Did anyone mention that we're on a roller coaster ride???

Talked to H on the phone today, he was supposed to come down for the memorial service, and have lunch here so he 'could see D' etc. H said there was a lot of snow, and w3 + daughter were going down in her four wheel drive with only two seats, so he couldn't get a lift, but then his landlord turned up, and they were returning in a couple of hours to the city, so he could get a lift with them. I said, how will you get back up again? Do you want to stay the night?

H said, no, (slight guilty pause) I am staying the night with OW1 because I want to talk to her about something. (He needs to stay the night there to talk about something?) Said, she's going out this evening, so I will have to think of something to do, but I'll think of something. He mentioned that he had only seen another human being for two hours the whole week.
I am afraid that when he said bye, I just put the phone down.

See, Livnlearn is good enough to stay the night with ONLY when OW1 is not available. She lives in the centre, more convenient, and it looks like she still has her hooks in him.

Folks, I am getting TIRED of this, did I ever say that before???

I don't see WHY I should in any way help H with his project when I feel big waves of disrespect from him. Does he really thing he can balance having all three of his 'women' as friends the whole time? I can see my door closing every so steadily, until it is SHUT completely sometime soon.

God knows how next weekend will turn out.

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

H called again in a bad mood, said the landlord had changed their hour of leaving to two hours later without even informing him, so he couldn't see D today. He would only arrive in time for the memorial service. (What about all those hours after five thirty?) I said, OK. Then H said, I will come and see D tomorrow. (Notice he always mentions visiting D when he wants to create distance, doesn't mention me at all, only I live in this house here, you know?) I asked when tomorrow?

He said with great irritation, I don't know!

I said, look H, this happens too often, we are somehow supposed to wait around all weekend for your visit... (OK not great DBing I know, but this is getting old old OLD...)

He cut in with a tirade spewed out in great fuy, I didn't even catch all of it, just the words, 'MY DAUGHTER' and 'FATHER' and something about the weather, and then some *@@+%%$!! before putting the phone down.




D asked what had happened, and I told her that her Dad couldn't make it, and she said, oh, I know, the landlord is always changing his time of coming down. I had to really bite my tongue hard from saying - Well, your dear father has the time to go and *talk* to OW1 all night but can't pin himself down to when he is going to come see you tomorrow...

So I went ahead and made some plans for today and this evening at least, with two lots of friends.

It wouldn't be toooooo much of an assumption to say that H has weekend plans with OW1, which I am supposed to fit around. Nope.

Remember last summer he was down in the city staying with OW1 for a whole week and didn't get in touch with us at all or see D when he was only minutes away?

PLUS, he has 'had' D two weeks in a row now and it is not his weekend anyway, so throwing his weight around about not seeing D on HIS timetable is really a bit rich.

I suppose what really bugs me is that he has endless 'talks' with these OW but never once afforded me the courtesy of a 'talk' before dropping the bombshell.

Vent over.

Now what?

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

Journaling, journaling, journaling...

This morning H rings around ten thirty and says, I'd like to see D, when can I do so? I said, you can see her in the park, I am taking her to the park this morning after she is ready. So he agreed to that. Then he apologised for the way he behaved on the phone yesterday, he said it was a very stressful moment, although he himself admitted it wasn't an excuse.

It was a beasutiful sunny winter day. I put on my best 'as if' armour and set out. After kissing D, he turned to me and said, have you had a hair cut? Yes, I said. Oh, that colour is so much better than that earlier one, he said. I said, Oh, that colour is SOOOO last year! And we both laughted. Then H said, you're looking good! (That's what getting enough sleep can do for you, LOL!!)

We walked around for a bit, D had brought her scooter out and we all head turns on it and mucked aorund for a bit. I know OW1 isn't very interested in physical fun and games, or exercise.

At one point, D said, Dad, you've come without a bag! H replied, I know, I left it there. Where, asked D. At OW1's place...replied H. D asked, why aren't you staying with us? H replied, I had to talk to OW1 about something... D grilled H a bit further about when he had come down to the city and all that. I just looked ahead and said nothing.

Then we proceeded to a cafe for a drink and a chat. D was off scooting nearby.

H talked a lot - about the memorial service, and meeting loads of expats that he hadn't seen in years.

He talked about his project, and asked if I had got through reading the whole of it, and I said not yet. He asked if I had ever done work like that myself, and I said, not exactly.

He talked more about himself and his thoughts.

(Got to finish this later, as my friend is arriving any moment, the one who doesn't want to meet H)

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

continued...

H was talking on and on about various things, and at one point, he said, I don't know why people get all hung up on international causes (and here he named one that has got him all worked up in the past few years) when in fact they should be more aware of their own issues closer to home (or words to that effect). Then he added, I know I myself am guilty of that...

At that moment I happened to be staring up at the network of winter branches of the nearby trees, and my vision became very clear, I had a sort of ephinany - I could feel something in his voice that made me think he might have actually thought about what he was saying, rather than just merely 'spouting'. He's good at spouting!

I have been struck all along, at how my H is so involved in trying to work on issues of global importance, but seems to be oblivious to the mess he has created in his own back yard, his family, that is. But that, unfortunately, is something I have always noticed among the most passionate 'activists'.

Later, H said, are you coming up next weekend? I wasn't sure why he was asking the question (confirmation? backtracking?) but I said, well, I thought you had invited us (D and self) up? H said, fine! Said, don't worry, I'll clean it up from top to bottom, it probably won't have been cleaned like that since I moved in! (Funny, in Feb 2004 he told me he cleaned from top to bottom for the arrival of OW2... used the same expression then!)

H told me once again to bring up two sleeping bags, told me we would have to sleep in the one bed, as there is only one now (wonder what the story of that other bed is...)

In the past he has said he didin't want 'stupid gossip' (about us getting back togther) with my being up there. I wonder if he has chosen a weekend when there is no one else around so as to avoid stupid gossip?

Oh, another thing, his cell phone rang and he ansered in English, saying he would speak later, as right now he was with Livnlearn and D. That sounded more positive than saying something vague like, I can't speak to you right now...

But basically, the convo was pretty much H based.

By now the time was getting on for 2pm, and H said, well, I must let you get on with your lunch. I have no idea whether he wanted an invite, but as I had my friend coming, the one who doesn't want to meet H at the moment, I said, yes, we must be going.

D started up, saying, why can't you come with us now? Stay today with us... and H was saying he couldn't. D was trying to pursuade him and kept asking him 'why' questions, and H was in a spot at one point, replying with "that's a good question!"

I think H needs to see that D is not exactly totally happy with the situation, although she is generally a happy little girl.

When it was time to go, H gave D a big hug and said 'I love you!' and then he kissed me on both cheeks, a little tenderly I thought (not as perfunctory as usual), then gave my arm a squeeze before we parted ways.

Is this the beginning of a thaw?

Livnlearn

[desdamona]

Let's hope he is growing weary of Thing One and Thing Two. I always picture Dr. Suesse's characters when you speak of them.
Today sounds like a good day. Remember to keep doing whatever you think is working.
Following your story with interest.