H was planning to get a lift down to the city with his landlord on Saturday evening and stay Saturday and Sunday night here, in order to see D. Originally she was supposed to go up for the weekend, then only for the Saturday, then as the landord's time of return was so vague, H suggested this plan of him coming down. I was caught off guard somewhat but agreed.
Anyway, on Sauturday afternoon, D and I accompanied our house guest to the railway station and then carried on into town. I was expecting H to call and say when he was arriving, and was going to suggest that he meet us in town for a while. He did ring while we were still in town, and I asked him where he was. He said, the railway station. Obviously seeing off OW2.
I admit, I was somehwat miffed, feeling as if once again I was being used. H needs to come down to city, therefore suggests this plan to come and see his daughter etc.
Anyhow, we carried on, D and I bought H some birthday presents - a book, a DVD and some chocolates. Nothing major, but the book and DVD were linked to his current project interest, so they were small tokens of validation.
We got home, H turned up a little later, announing - What a day I've had! I didn't pry, but he told me that someone we know, a well-known person in the expat community here, had died that morning, after battling with cancer. That the memorial service was the following Saturday, which he was coming down for.
We had a nice dinner. H said, as he was helping himself to a second serving, Livnlearn, your cooking is my downfall, I always end up eating more than I should!
(Note: H is far more weight conscious than I am these days: he mentioned this weekend how he had put on a little because of the cold and having more of an apetite, how he had lost weight last summer etc. In fact, he is absolutely fine, not overweight at all, though not in any way 'thin'. For my part, I try not to talk about weight at all, as I don't want my D to start thinking about it much. She is absolutely perfect, but at this age, it is a sensitive issue, especially among girls. If she brings it up, I will talk to her about the issues, but I don't bring it up myself.)
The subject of his birthday came up and I asked him what he had planned. He said nothing, there was no one up there to do anything with, but he may go over to w3's place, he supposed.
After dinner we played a card game, that H taught us on his last visit. At one point I mentioned that we had played this game recently. H said, it is no fun with only two. I wondered why he was making the assumption that there was only ever just the two of us (D and I) to play a game, so I said, there weren't only two of us! H said, oh, did you play it with house guest? I said, yes. Then he asked me some questions about this house guest, how did I know her etc. I gave him the bare bones, that I had met her through a listserve. True. I noted he was quite curious.
Another time, he said, you must have a lot of students as every time I ring you are in a lesson. I just said, uhuh. In fact, I don't have very many students at the moment, but I have decided to keep that fact to myself. Now that I have set up a standing order to pay part of the mortgage, I figure that my finances are my problem to figure out. I will not expect anything from H nor burden him with my worries.
Also, another aspect of this is that I have decided to live my life as if everything is OK and will be OK. A positive attitude helps you to project the right image, in terms of getting work, being 'lucky', making friends, winning back spouses etc...
Later we watched a DVD together and then went to bed.
Throughout the day, I was toying with the idea of arranging some kind of date while H was here Sunday. The one guy who I could have asked to go out with was the one I haven't seen in a year, that I talked about being very persistent before. He still calls from time to time to ask me out, but in all honesty, I HAVE been too busy to take up any of his offers. I decided in the end that I couldn't just use him for my purposes, that he is a decent guy and if I went out with him it would be on the merits of spending time with him alone, nothing else. D had accepted a party invitation Sunday afternnon, so after dropping her off I planned to go visit a FF for a while.
Although it was a Sunday next morning and I had the rare opportunity for a lie in, I woke up early and had the usual stream of negative thoughts running through my head like a ticker tape. I felt sad, resentful, and USED. Yet, I also felt slightly detached from this negativity. It was like being with an old friend - that of habitual behaviour. I started asking myself if I was going to spend the rest of my life wanting to change my negative habits but never quite able to.
I remembered reading here that DBing behaviour is not comfortable, it is not really what one wants to do or feels like doing at any given moment, you are doing it to achieve a much longer term goal. It is a discipline.
So I packed away my negative thoughts and got out of bed. H was already up and working on his project at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. I greeted him and made a cup of tea to take into my office. He called out after me, aren't you going to eat breakfast here together? I called back, it was only a cup of tea and we would have breakfast a little later. Then I started doing something on my computer.
I happened to have an index card with the words "Don't wait, don't blame, don't worry" written on it next to my computer, along with other stuff written out cryptically, as prompts to DBing behaviour. H came into the room to talk about something and his eye fell on the card. He laughed and said "What's this? Don't wait, don't blame, don't worry?..... What's that all about?" and he was laughing with somewhat of a snigger. I snatched up the card and turned it over, and said, just what it says - don't wait, don't blame, don't worry! I admit, I was caught completely off guard. But I regained my composure.
(Note: H went all over the house this weekend, poking about at things, even things wrapped in plastic bags on my dressing table. Very curious. I had tried to put away any 'sensitve' or private material ... but this index card got overlooked!)
Later on, he suggested he could make pancakes for breakfast. I said I had planned something else, but he could decide what he would rather do. He said, since you made a nice dinner last night, I'll make breakfast. So I was happy to agree to that.
During breakfast, he said casually, well, I am coming down next weekend for the memorial service but the weekend after that, would you like to come up for the weekend?
I was thunderstruck. Blindsided. I took a few seconds to digest this, before saying, that would be nice, yes! And I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.
D was dancing a little jig and whooping for joy. She started listing all the things we could do and the places she was going to show me. H was grinning and said, I see that you have the whole weekend planned out!
OK folks, for those who don't know the whole of my story, H got his place in the hills on June 1st 2003, some 20 months ago, soon after the bomb, and I have never seen it. He did invite me up last year around March or so, but it was a half hearted invitation, very offhand, with OW2 still in the picture there, at his house all the time, though they were not supposed to be 'together'. I declined, saying I couldn't visit if OW2 was around.
I guess my posing the question "H, what makes you feel you are here on suffernace?" never got answered directly, but I fancy it did make him think.
Guys, this is HUGE, but on the other hand, I am not allowing it to lead to ANY expectations at all. I know why this journey is called a roller coaster ride. And it isn't because it is FUN!!
In fact, a little later, H said, of course, if it is pouring with rain, then going up wouldn't make any sense because it is no fun at all up there in bad weather.
So, after the first five minutes of excitement, I played it quite cool.
Later H offered to prepare lunch, which he did. I took D off to her party and stopped in at friend's place for a tea and chat. I know H said he had some work to do on his computer so he could get on with that. When I got home, he was curious to know where I had been. I told him, my friend's place. He said, so you stopped there for a bit and then came straight home... not so much as a question, but as if processing the information...
He suggested we play a game of Scrabble. I accepted, but was inwardly confused. When he was here at Christmas, I suggested a game, and he said, oh god no, I am tired of playing it, whenever I play with OW2 we have an argument, mind you, OW2 will argue about ANYTHING... She puts down clever words, and gets angry when I just put down boring words to get a good score.... So I had left off the subject.
We set up the game. He had a look at the score book which we have used for the last twelve years, with all the old scores and funny comments scribbled in about who won and why. My Mum used to play with us when she visited. It was like a bit of family history there. H was laughing at the comments. Although H is very intellegent, well educated and well read, I have still won far more games than he has.
So we played the game. He won. He mentioned that he hadn't played Scrabble for ages. I said, really? He said, yes, I haven't played for YEARS!!
Very odd. Is this what they mean by MLCer's being forgetful and contradictory??
I will continue this update in another post.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
