17 Warning Signs of a Bad Boyfriend You know the guy you're thinking about marrying is wrong for you if he has no friends, your siblings don't like him, and his credit history doesn't check out. Sometimes the best words of wisdom don't come from academics or scientists with impressive titles and educational credentials. Sometimes the best advice comes from people who have been there and done that. Such is the case with a recent letter published in the syndicated Dear Abby advice column that listed 17 signs that your boyfriend is NOT the one you should marry.
A married woman who said her husband now wanted a divorce passed along tips for the not-yet-married. If you see these red flags, she advises, dump the guy: 1. If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out. 2. If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one person's fault. 3. If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons. 4. Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like. 5. If he's over 30 and has no money, do not let him move in with you, and don't marry him until he's financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it. 6. Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person. 7. This is a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true that they all chose to side with his ex. 8. If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends. 9.If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, run! 10. If he is one personality at work or with others, and another person alone with you, run. 11. If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don't take his word for it. 12. If he's an expert at everything and brags a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, eventually maybe even you. 13. If he has sexual problems, go with him to a doctor before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem. 14. If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser. 15. If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame. 16. If he does something wrong and says, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ( )," that's another sign of an abuser. 17. And if he's mean to children, pets or animals, recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.
This is a good list for me to read as I decide to continue to DB or just face my current reality and give up. I have to admit that even though I've really tried in the last couple months I have questioned in the last year if I really loved him. I can say I was not in love with him because of his recent selfishness - MLC or not. He had been and still is I believe going to a couple different therapists for depression for the last 3 years. I asked him at one time if he was really being himself when there and looking into himself as he did not seem to be getting less depressed and was not acting as himself of the previous 10 years and I wanted to make sure he was being open enough to be helped. I guess we'll never know.
Anyway - the list helps me because if I look back on our first year of dating the list matches him/us in numbers: 1, 2, 4, 5, 14, 15, and 16. I have been asking myself lately "am I nuts to want him back" and now that I look at the list, I can say that I am nuts. What the heck? There were good years but the list is now repeating itself with him. He matches the list again in many ways - in terrible financial trouble and he wasn't when he left, he is fault finding, he has none of his old friends - NONE!. He does not see his kids or his dad - he used to be a good father and son, etc.
Thanks for sending the list!! I still am sad for the lose of him but not for what I have lost if that makes sense. I'd still take him back if we could MC for a while to make sure things could be good but I would not let him move back until I knew for sure. I don't need to be helping someone come out of debt again or be talked to like I am always at fault. I have been a good wife and mother and work full time and am not in debt. I have been as plesant as possible under the circumstances - blah, blah, blah. You all know what I mean.
The list was on the internet. I just thought that some of us here might see some basic flaws that would be difficult to overcome or we were overlooking, hoping things will change, but we need to be hit with a 2X4 to see them.
I have read some sad stories about some stupid things an errant spouse has done to the M and the betrayed spouse wants their errant spouse back.
I am not advocating DB should not be used in most cases. Just suggesting some M's are not worth saving. Just do not like one spouse being taken advantage of most of the time. (OW/OM #3 and you still want him/her back. Please don't say you like the pain.)
Love is blind sometimes. Just a little light on some dark traits.
wow you just described my hubby to a tee lol. I saw all the warning signs. was going to leave him but he decided to seek counceling. now he isn't. and is getting worse. I finally just gave up and now I am happy. I see now I was dumb for marrying him. Our marriage isn't even going to last a year.
Quote: wow you just described my hubby to a tee lol. I saw all the warning signs. was going to leave him but he decided to seek counceling. now he isn't. and is getting worse. I finally just gave up and now I am happy. I see now I was dumb for marrying him. Our marriage isn't even going to last a year.
Glad to hear you had the strength to get out, and glad to see you are happy. You were not dumb for marrying him, you were looking for something, you thought he could give it to you.
I would say that if you have at this point realize what is going on, and have the strength to walk away, that you are pretty smart.
Be sure to take care of yourself, even as you get out. It may not be as easy as you think.
OMG...I just read this and about fainted....I have been married for 7 years and of 17 things on this list....he matches 15 of them...the only thing he does not match is 17 and is not physically abusive and no dui..
What do I do? I just shut up anymore, try not to start conversations, and hope he keeps his big mouth shut.
How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage There is probably nothing more devastating to a marriage than infidelity. Rather than just hoping and praying this never happens to your marriage, take charge now to prevent it.
Researcher Peggy Vaughan, the author of "The Monogamy Myth," told Knight Ridder she estimates that fully 60 percent of married men and women have cheated at one time or another. The proliferation of women in the workplace--and the easy accessibility to men--has made infidelity an equal-opportunity marriage buster. "Women don't realize how it escalates," Vaughan told Knight Ridder reporter Michelle Quinn. "They are often blindsided. They aren't looking for an affair. They want to be wanted."
Vaughan and William Harley Jr. have identified four specific things you can do as a couple now to prevent cheating later:
Talk about attractions.
Commit to honesty.
Make your spouse your favorite recreational companion.
Spend time together, without children or friends, during the week. Watching TV and sleeping do not count as spending time together. Why do people cheat? Most marriage counselors agree there is usually more than one reason for infidelity, ranging from a search for passion and companionship to a need for revenge or even a sexual thrill. Cheating affects men and women differently. While men are usually more interested in the physical aspect of an affair, women tend to become more involved emotionally as a way to prove their attractiveness or worth.
Marriage therapist Emily Brown, who is director of Key Bridge Therapy & Mediation Center in Arlington, Va., counsels couples after adultery occurs. According to Knight Ridder, she has identified five types of illicit affairs and the people who have them:
Exit affair: One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage, and the affair provides the justification. Both men and women can have exit affairs.
Split-self affair: When spouses sacrifice their own feelings and needs to care for others, the deprivation can catch up with them. This type of affair, which is serious, long-term, and passionate, affects mostly men.
Sexual addiction affair: Men more typically indulge in this type of affair in which sex is an addiction that is used over and over again to numb inner pain and emptiness.
Conflict avoidance affair: When a husband and wife don't face each other when there is a problem, their differences cannot be resolved and the marriage erodes. This kind of affair affects both men and women.
Intimacy avoidance affair: People who avoid intimacy are scared to get too close to someone else, so they erect barriers. While conflict is a common type of barrier, an affair is another. This affects both men and women. Here's the good news: With counseling and willpower, your marriage can survive adultery. Vaughan conducted a survey of 1,083 people in marriages where there was an affair, and a whopping 76 percent said they were still married and living with their spouse.
I'm sure those of you who have read my thread think I'm crazy for trying to continue my marriage, but my H exhibited virtually none of these traits when I married him. That also applies for a big chunk of our marriage. I could twist some of them to *make* them fit, for example, he doesn't get along well with his mother but he has always had a relatively peaceful relationship with her.
Just had to say that, in my defense.
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
YOU decide if and when it is time to end your marriage. That is entirely up to you. I am certainly not going to look down on you for trying to recover your marriage.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
