I am sorry that you are going through this torment. You are getting good advice. Detach, get the focus off of him. Right now he will only dissapoint. You are the amazing one, so put the focus on you. It is very difficult to do consistently, but you will only look attractive to him when you are strong, confident, mysterious and fun to be around. What he is putting you through makes you want to be the opposite but keep trying. You didn't break him so you can't fix him. You can make you a better you though.
Quote: It is very difficult to do consistently, but you will only look attractive to him when you are strong, confident, mysterious and fun to be around.
Yes! You have to turn it on, but it does work. I see it in my own sitch. Be positive, detach and be supportive, GAL, feed the WAS tiny little nuggets of WoW! that's happening in your life, but forget to give some of the details so as not to satiate the WAS's knowledge of the new you. By your manner and actions show that you're happy and fulfilled, that you are your own source of happy energy, regardless of whether the WAS is with you or not. Cliched or not, you are the creator of your own life. And you will find bits of happiness as you go along. Life is like that.
You've heard all this before, as has everyone here. The difficulty comes from believing in this enough to take these steps to do it while your heart is screaming other feelings inside you. But if you were promised that you can't lose if you do it, would you dive in head first and do it? How about if you're promised that you'll lose out if you don't? Either way, do it, because you benefit no matter the final outcome. Time's a-wasting. It may not happen right away, but sooner or later, you may start to see little baby step results, and then you'll enjoy doing it more and more.
Think of what happens to a WAS when they start to be attracted again to their LBS. Getting attracted to someone is a no-brainer, it doesn't require any work or effort on the part of the person getting attracted. It can come to the point where the WAS is torn between the two people. That's gotta confuse the heck out of them. It may get to the point where your pull becomes more attractive, especially as the shine wears off the OP. Mix in a generous portion of patience and time and see what happens.
I was very conflicted about detaching or making home that great place. Somedays I would say, ok I am going to cook when I get home, make home fun...The next day say to myself, why bother. That probably shined thru to H and saw me all over the place. Dont get me wrong I was very positive in front of H, I generally enjoy spending time with him, so that was not hard for me. But you have to look at yourself now and decide what it is you need to do. Is it detach, or is it show H a happy home and life. Only you can decide what will work best here. What was life like before this? Were you always the betty crocker of the family? Did you always have his meals waiting for him? If not, then those would be 180's for you. For me, I had not cooked the daily meals in 1 yrs, I did the big ones (company, etc) but the everyday stuff I didnt, that is why I tried to re-establish that in my house. I do think H appreciated it, or at least took notice although he did not say anything about it.
You do have to do stuff without H and the kids. Is there anyone that you can leave the kids with, because right now H doesnt care enough to take care of them. He just wants to go out on a whim (mine does too) so you cant rely on him. Find someone to take them for the afternoon and you go get your nails and hair done ok?
Quote: Is it detach, or is it show H a happy home and life.
These are not opposites. You do both.
Detachment is disconnecting the emotional reactions to someone else's behavior and/or to situations. You can still be, and should be, loving, supportive, positive and interested. It's that you learn to let go and not let your buttons be pushed, nor let your emotions take over, or not try to control the situation. It's accepting what is, and accepting that other people make their own decisions.
A good example is to treat the other person as you would a good friend. As an extreme example, if a good friend misunderstood something you said and were to say to you, "that thing you said to me the other day, boy did it hurt, and I don't know if I can be your friend anymore", you'd be concerned about your friend's feelings and want to calmly and lovingly set the misunderstanding right. What you wouldn't do, are things like
get defensive argue worry about what's going to happen to you if your friend walks out take offense at it personally pass the blame to them feel you're not good enough get angry let it ruin your day
and so on. But those are the sort of things we might do if we get emotionally reactive, if we're emotionally attached. This is why most people treat their friends better than they do their lovers.
More: Your friend confides in you that they want to move out of state. Your reaction may be to say, "Wow! Gee I'll really miss seeing you around, but good luck! We'll keep in touch of course, and we'll visit! When are you moving?" What you wouldn't do is:
worry that your friendship is now doomed argue with them about it wonder how you're going to get along without her Cry over it
NY, thanks for clearing up the detachment issue. I was going to post and ask for some clarification on detaching.
I am going to work hard on turning my emotions off while H is around. I think in a way I have been doing that. I just have days when I backslide (it usually around a certain time of the month---those darn hormones).
Anyway, told H last night I was going out today. Of course he wanted details. I told him a few things but that I had not planned it all yet. He wanted to know times. He had some errands to run too. Oh well, I left first for a change and left him in charge of the kids.
I went shopping, got some more clothes that fit.
Joined a gym!!!!! I have to tell you I am a very shy, introverted person and it was very intimadating. But I did it anyway. Hey, even had a few looks--that felt good.
Hit the book store and got Infidelty: A Survival Guide, The 5LL book and A Wife's Prayer book. Sat for awhile there and read. Gone about 5 hours, usually only gone about 1-2 w/out kids.
So I guess I am on the road to detaching. Do I continue 180's while detaching. Does anyone know where detaching is in the DB book? And what about ML? I am guessing that is out? Any advice would be appreciated.
Quote: I am going to work hard on turning my emotions off while H is around
Detaching is not about turning emotions off. It's about disconnecting them from other people and events. Think of what the word "detach" means. Unfasten, disconnect, separate. So then, this is something you do regardless if H is around or not.
Quote: Do I continue 180's while detaching?
So, considering the answer above, what do you think?
Quote: Does anyone know where detaching is in the DB book?
I have to tell you I am a very shy, introverted person and it was very intimadating. But I did it anyway. Hey, even had a few looks--that felt good.