Not a good day yesterday. Cell phone bill came. More minutes not less. I didn't DB very well. I knew I needed to get away and cry my eyes out but of course I had the kids. So I thought I will take them to H at work. He had writers club from 4-5 (now he is supposed to share this and do it every other week but he has been doing it every week or that is what he tells me anyway). So I get there about 10 till 5. He is not there. At this point I am freaking out on the inside. I had already left a text and phoned him and he had not responded. So I head home very upset at this point. I even called ow cell and left message for MY H to call me. So he finally calls. Says he did the club but not alot of kids came so they let out early. At this point I don't know what to believe or what to do. so I get home act somewhat normal, feed the kids. I take a 30 minute walk. I cry and walk, cry and walk. I came home to a long hot shower and cried some more. Thought I would be ok. Wasnt. Explained what happened and about call to ow because she will tell him. I asked were you really at school, can I believe you. He said "sure" I dropped it. I was determined to not have this get ugly and turn into a fight or a long drawn out convo. But I did cry more. Do you ever feel so alone? The one person I want doesn't want me. I had a hard time dealing with that last night. He came in at one point when I had called him. I could tell he was mad and looking for a fight. So I just said "sorry I am having a hard time coping here. I dont want to fight." Told him to go take his shower. I know from the point I called him on the way home, he thought we would fight. So I was just as determined to not fight, to prove him wrong. He said that last time we fought. He said he knew the minute I said ---- we would be having a fight later. So, didnt want to go there. Wrote him a letter this morning. Know we are not supposed to, but felt like I needed to. Sometimes he has responded to a letter and it means I can talk and not have a long drawn out convo.
Very confused. Part of me wants out again. Part of me wants to have support and not watch this anymore. I am tired of being alone. The other part of me wants my family to be whole.
AAGGGGGGGGGG. This will be a long weekend. I am going out tomorrow by myself. Will look into gym membership too.
