I was and am so much like you. In the beginning my H DID NOT want to work things out either. I kept hanging on by a string and within time he started spending time with me without me asking him to come around. He had moved out at the point. We spent EVERYDAY together and then he moved back home. Believe me I am no expert DBer either. I backslide all the time and I try to set small goals for myself to get through each day. I stopped snooping for a while but recently took it up again, found nothing but snooping nonetheless. I used to look at the minutes used on the cellphone bill daily and try to calculate how long he talked to her. That was obsessive. I am proud to say that I have not checked that in over 2 months. I still check his actual phone but he deletes everything so I never find anything anyway. BUt like you, I have to STOP as well. It is damaging to yourself, it hurts any efforts to DB. Believe me, when I would find something that is when I did my most backsliding. I would initiate convo's about R, cry, beg, etc. Now my goals each week are not to backslide. Unfortunately my sitch is not looking good right now, which means that I have to work all the harder at not initiating any talks. Just be fun loving. That is what I try to do. Try it for yourself. I think of it this way, every minute H is with me, is one less minute H is talking to her. So F you OW! Sorry I do get bitter sometimes LOL
Small goals this week, we can set them together. Mine is to not initiate Talk for the rest of the week and to cook dinner for H everynight (I stopped doing that and I think it bothers H - I think that is his LL - acts of service) Pick a goal for this week and write it down here, that way you will feel more apt to keep it because you told us what it was.
Bad, bad day. I cant figure this how. I go from having really good days to just horrible days. I am so tired of all this. It seems as if I am just making things to easy for him. I take care of the kids, I am nice,loving to him and meanwhile he continues here(whatever mood he wants to be in) and with OW. I hate this. I just want to give up. H actually tried to comfort me, reached out and hugged me. I didnt hug him back, couldn't. I don't want his pity. This hurts so much. Why can't H just stop? Any advice.
You're going to have bad days and good days, and your emotions will be all over the place. This is normal. The process you're going through doesn't happen on a straight line. It scatters all over the place. Just when you think you're going to be OK, bam! you're back to hysterics again. In fact, there'll be days you have more than one emotion at the same time, and that will really make you feel like you're going crazy, but it's all completely normal.
Now I don't know your story, but you are seeking professional help, right? Getting therapy, getting anti-depressants and all that good stuff, right?
Now, here's another thing. You can't let him have you and the OW. You have to set boundaries. He sounds like he cares for you, but he's going to do what he wants to do, and you have to let him. Start by telling him to [censored] or get off the pot; either he gives up the OW or leaves the house. That will stop that misery you're going through, it might make him give up the OW, but if it doesn't, then it will throw him into her arms, and that's a good thing, because then their affair has a better chance of ending more so than if he has his cake and eats it too. Plus you'll have established boundaries and respect for yourself, and he'll have to deal with that, meaning that you'll have taken back control from him.
Has your H ever indicated the reasons for the OW. What need is he satisfying? It is natural to feel like you do. I have many of the same emotions and you just want to reach out to your spouse and make them all go away. It doesn't work that way. I did set boundaries early on like NY Survivor suggest. Can't say for certain that everything is over cause she works with OM but I wan't to beleive it is. Basically said to W that she must end it if she wants to stay together. This is something that you will have to figure and if you do decide if and what boundaries to set, remember timing is everthing. I would be careful of pushing him away but "tough love" can work.
Update to my sitch. I saw counselor yesterday. Wife and I go to C separately. Not much encouraging from the counselor. She indicates that W just doesn't know what to do (stay or go). C said that she is going to try and bring W and I in together to try and start solving issues and to try and determine if W is still interested in saving M. C knows we are not progressing and I am afraid to push much because it goes against DB. Anyway, the C's office might provide a safer environment for W. I know my situation is not as extreme as many of the others on this board but I am scared. C says that at least she is still living at home and that there is always hope. All true but still not much to hold onto. Looks like it is time for a miracle.
Sherry---this is not easy, you will backslide and it's ok, what you need to do is pick yourself back up when you do and move forward again. Eventually you will backslide less and less. Here is the link to my current thread....
No offense to NYsurvivor but do not give him an ultimatum, I agree with setting boundaries but keep them to yourself. Unless you are really ready for him to choose...at this point it probably won't be you. Not trying to be harsh, just realistic.
Quote: I am so tired of all this. It seems as if I am just making things to easy for him. I take care of the kids, I am nice,loving to him and meanwhile he continues here(whatever mood he wants to be in) and with OW. I hate this. I just want to give up.
I know how you feel, I'm pretty sure most people here do...there are success stories, read them, it helps! Why don't you post your goals here...make sure you you have specific individual goals as well as some R goals. Think in baby steps.
No offense taken, but what good is keeping boundaries to oneself while letting someone cross those boundaries? You know that a WS who has a foot in the marriage and the other in an affair can keep that affair going indefinitely because the A stays in la-la land. If the WS refuses to give up the OP, something has to be done right quick, if not for the mental health of the BS.
Ohhhhh... I am so confused. I agree with both. I, too, have wondered how can I let the A continue (even just emotional). My H has told me he can't end it until it he sees it crash and burn. I have asked him how does he expect it to crash and burn when it is so far removed from reality and everyday life. Yeah, things are great talking on the phone and seeing each other at work ocassionally. They do not have deal with everyday life, kids, stress, etc. H has no response for this. So at first I thought I would do 180s and show him what we could be. H has said half the battle is not seeing us any different, any better and of course the other half is letting go of OW. I thought if I show him we could be different, better, then H could let go of OW. I just never dreamed it would be so hard or so long or so hurtful. But lately I have been thinking about me and my health and mental state of mind. I wonder how long I can keep doing this. I know in my heart, H will choose OW, he basically has already by not working on our R and continuing it. I am just scared to take that next step. Of being alone, complete responsibility of the kids (which I pretty have anyway but it is nice saying hey can you bath M and usually H will). I have told H on more than one ocassion, several actually- when I have been upset or mad- to just leave. I said it last night. I asked him to please leave and let me get on with my life. He said no, he cant end it with OW or with me. Now that I do not understand. If H doesn't love me the same way as OW, how can he not end it with me. I am so confused. The last 2 days have been bad. I have been down in the dumps. Have I told you how much I hate this?
Someone asked what H thinks was wrong with R. I have admitted to H (after a lot of soul searching) that I did not love him the way he needed to be loved. I thought what I was doing was okay. Things seemed okay. I wasn't aware he was building up resentment. I now know I could have been a better wife to H. I am willing to change that but can I if H is so focused on OW. I read the LL book long ago and we applied it for awhile (we actually took a workshop together at church several years ago) but we both stopped. Life, kids got in the way. His LL is physical touch and praise (dont remember the exact language of LL) So how do I handle the physical touch part now? Sorry for rambling and going all over the place. I guess I am trying to sort things out and unfortunately have no clue how to do that. Sherry
It sounds as if you have already given him an ultimatum of sorts and he isn't taking it. You need to set boundaries for yourself and stick with those boundaries...regardless of what it is about. He doesn't necessarily have to know...it's about you at this point. Focus on you, find a new hobby, exercise is great for stress relief!
What he is doing is not right, however, if you want to try to save your M save yourself first!
Quote: My H has told me he can't end it until it he sees it crash and burn. I have asked him how does he expect it to crash and burn when it is so far removed from reality and everyday life. Yeah, things are great talking on the phone and seeing each other at work ocassionally. They do not have deal with everyday life, kids, stress, etc. H has no response for this.
You're absolutely right. This can go on for years. You have to ask yourself "if it's a year from now, do I want to still be in the same situation?"
You have to be tough but lovingly so, not mean. Find out who the OW is and if she's married, call her husband and reveal the affair. That puts pressure on her side to end it.
Quote: So at first I thought I would do 180s and show him what we could be.
Good. Read up on the other techniques in Divorce Remedy too.
Quote: H has said ...
Don't put stock in what he says.
Quote: But lately I have been thinking about me and my health and mental state of mind.
As well you should. You're number 1.
Quote: I am just scared to take that next step. Of being alone, complete responsibility of the kids
Normal reasonable concerns. See what you can do to take care of yourself and the children if alone. You won't be lonely, you have friends. Start spending more time with them, they're your support.
Quote: I asked him to please leave and let me get on with my life. He said no, he cant end it with OW or with me. Now that I do not understand.
And you never will, because these things don't make sense, they're emotional. But he'll drag this on indefinitely. Change the locks/ read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson.
Part of me wants to totally side with NY on this one...Only because I am seeing that in my own sitch. I am loving, and H moves back home but never gives up OW....Having his cake and eating it too...But then the other side is walking away and telling him to leave me alone until OW is out of his life....Ultimatum not ready to follow through and I know it...So only you can decide when you have had enough. I know I dont want to live like this forever, but for right now I am doing the best I can do for me. So that is a choice you have to make for yourself. You are in the beginning stages so right now your emotions are everywhere from one day to the next and I am not going to lie that they wont be that way 6 months from now....But as each day passes it brings you closer to knowing what you have to do and actually doing it. I am getting to that place. I know that my last resort is hard love and letting him know I will not take it anymore, and I am slowly but surely getting there. I love my H, but cant go on like this forever. This week my goal is just to get through the week without backsliding. Because no matter what happens I dont want to be pathetic, and I know that is how I appear to H when I cry and plead. Its ok to cry but dont do it in front of H. Trust me it doesnt help. If it did, I dont think that anyone of us would still be here.
Set smaller goals for yourself, like getting through the day. Each day is a new day and you have to approach it that way.
