People often tend to think of affairs as meaning "having sex with another person" and even some therapists(albeit BAD ones) hesitate to call it an affair if that has taken place. The bottom line is an EMOTIONAL affair is just as damaging as a physical affair if not more so. A poll took place on one of the boards I post on not too long ago and the question was...."Did you feel more betrayed by the physical aspect of the affair or the emotional?"
The majority(pretty close to all) of the women, answered the emotional. That is definitely how I felt. I was more betrayed by the fact that my H felt he had an emotional connection with this woman than I was by the physical aspects.
When does a person come to the understanding that s/he has betrayed his/her spouse?
It depends and there is no exact science to it.
My H came to the realization fairly quickly(when I had my affair, I did not) because I was armed with the tools to help him see. I immediately found a message board that dealt strictly with infidelity. We saw a MC right away who thank God, understood the devastation that infidelity causes. I had a boatload of books that friends had recommended. Really, I think it depends when a person WANTS to see the damage they have caused because with accepting that, comes a lot of guilt, shame, pain, and hard work. It's much easier to live in denial than look the one you love in the eyes and KNOW that you have hurt her terribly.
Does the wayward spouse always promise the OP that they will leave?
No. My H didn't anyway.
Affairs are built on fantasy and while some people may leave a spouse for the affair partner, statistics say that only 5% of those relationship survive. Why? Because the bubble burst and people are left with reality. My H didn't even LIKE the OW. He thought she was whiny, self-centered, and very high maintenance but she stroked his ego. She made him feel good about himself. Eventually that would have worn off because ultimately, HE didn't like himself and we all know that happiness comes from within.
The book I gave you the link to specifically says that only the cheater is to read it but you know what? I read it anyway. There is so many bad books out there that there was NO WAY I was handing over something I hadn't read. It's a great book(I can't enlarge hon, you have to do that) and I know many people who found it was the catalyst that prompted their spouse into the real world.
If you want to email me, I have tons of great links and book titles that I can give you.
