Some background.. H and I married 18 yrs. Last year H moved out was having PA and EA with women he works with. H moved back home after 6 months saying he wanted to work it out. There were bumpy times but things seemed to be getting better. New Years eve this year I discovered the PA and EA hadnt ended. Apparently H had tried to break it off a few times but couldnt. I found many emails H telling OW " I am so in love with you" etc etc. I tell H he needs to move out. H begs and crys and says he doesnt want to lose me, love me etc. We have two sons 10 and 17. H and I agree to continue to work on marriage. H sends email to OW saying he wants to break it off this time for good, wants to make his marriage work and get his life back on track. H copies me on email. OW sends email back saying how many times are you going to try and break this off before I get the picture.. Then OW calls me and leaves me voicemail that she is sorry for the pain she has caused me etc etc. So I know H has ended it and H has been very attentive to me etc etc for last two weeks. But my problem is that I know H has very strong feelings for OW and probably love. That doesnt go away overnight. I am having difficulty living with this now. I keep thinking why did he fall in love with OW. He still works with her so I know there are emails going back and forth and I am confident he has called her to check on her. She cleary is deeply in love with him and was expecting him to leave me and she was hanging in there through thick and thin. So I am finding it hard to believe that it is finally over. I am tired of thinking about it. H and I have had nice times during last two weeks and H keeps talking about plans for future etc. I believe he is sincere. He said his feeling are real and his feelings for her made him confused. Althought his feelings are still there he is no longer confused about what he wants. He wants our marriage to work and he wants to rebuild it. What do I do with all these feelings. I love him but today I am not sure I want to rebuild. I am not sure I can get past the fact he is in love with another woman. I just cant believe this is all happening. Can anyone give me some advice. Today I feel like calling it quits.
I post on an infidelity board(surviving it...not doing it) and there is pretty much a common theme and it's this....
When I had an affair, I really did believe that I loved the OM and I considered at the time, leaving my H for him. When the affair ended and I could step back and look at it objectively, I realized I never loved him. I loved the way he made me FEEL. We call it NRE on our board(New Relationship Energy). Of course I felt like I loved the man. He knew how to push every single button. Add that to the fact that there were no family responsibilities(ie. paying bills, dealing with kids) and of course, things were just ducky.
If you ask my H about his affair, he will tell you something very similar. He liked the she stroked his ego. She knew what to say and what to do, to make him feel good about himself. He loved those feelings and not her.
I am sure there are people that actually do love their affair partner but hon, don't be surprised if sometime in the future, your H realizes that he didn't love her at all.
As for not knowing what you want, THAT'S OKAY!!!
Being betrayed was the most painful thing I ever went through in my life and a very wise woman told me it would likely take me a year before I truly knew if I wanted to stay or go. She was right. It's normal.
There's a really great book out there. It's called "After The Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. Get it.
There's also another book that is written strictly for the Wayward Spouse. It's awesome. All you have to do is go to the site and download(it costs 5.00). It's well worth it.
Sorry to ask a general question on your thread, but after reading the response from ConfusedAndAlone and going to the site which sells the PDF for helping the betraying spouse to repair the marriage, I would like to know -
For the purposes of DBing, can you treat a spouse who has a secret affair but doesn't walk out of the marriage or tell the spouse they want out (cake eating), the same as one who carries on an emotional affair, then drops the bomb about the marriage being over, leaving, and THEN starting the physical relationship. In the latter case, the betraying spouse IN HIS/HER OWN MIND doesn't think s/he is having an affair, doesn't think they have been 'unfatihful', know what I mean? Because they have made a 'clean break' first.
Even when the spouse stays in the marriage but continues the affair, they are usually promising the OP that at some point they will leave their spouse, right?
When and how does a betraying spouse who left a marriage before starting a PA actually come to a realisation that they have betrayed their spouse, or does this not always even happen, when the WA spouse wants to reconcile?
Also, ConfusedAndAlone, did you read the book for the betrayed spouse and did you find it helpful to you? Or was it your spouse who read it? Please enlarge a little, thanks.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks Confused for your support. I downloaded the book and emailed it to my H. He seems to want to make things right but when I am having a bad day he does get frustrated. My feeling is that I stuck with him this entire past year while he was with OW and if he cant stick by me right now then we may as well go our own way. I havent said that to him but thats how I feel. I have been doing my best to keep up my PMA and all but the last two days have been very very tough for some reason. I keep hearing the words he told her in the emails over and over again in my head.I have to some how some way snap out of it. I know this isnt going to be over with as soon as I like. I hope I can get past it and save our marriage.
Thanks Confused for your support. I downloaded the book and emailed it to my H. He seems to want to make things right but when I am having a bad day he does get frustrated. My feeling is that I stuck with him this entire past year while he was with OW and if he cant stick by me right now then we may as well go our own way. I havent said that to him but thats how I feel. I have been doing my best to keep up my PMA and all but the last two days have been very very tough for some reason. I keep hearing the words he told her in the emails over and over again in my head.I have to some how some way snap out of it. I know this isnt going to be over with as soon as I like. I hope I can get past it and save our marriage.
People often tend to think of affairs as meaning "having sex with another person" and even some therapists(albeit BAD ones) hesitate to call it an affair if that has taken place. The bottom line is an EMOTIONAL affair is just as damaging as a physical affair if not more so. A poll took place on one of the boards I post on not too long ago and the question was...."Did you feel more betrayed by the physical aspect of the affair or the emotional?"
The majority(pretty close to all) of the women, answered the emotional. That is definitely how I felt. I was more betrayed by the fact that my H felt he had an emotional connection with this woman than I was by the physical aspects.
When does a person come to the understanding that s/he has betrayed his/her spouse?
It depends and there is no exact science to it.
My H came to the realization fairly quickly(when I had my affair, I did not) because I was armed with the tools to help him see. I immediately found a message board that dealt strictly with infidelity. We saw a MC right away who thank God, understood the devastation that infidelity causes. I had a boatload of books that friends had recommended. Really, I think it depends when a person WANTS to see the damage they have caused because with accepting that, comes a lot of guilt, shame, pain, and hard work. It's much easier to live in denial than look the one you love in the eyes and KNOW that you have hurt her terribly.
Does the wayward spouse always promise the OP that they will leave?
No. My H didn't anyway.
Affairs are built on fantasy and while some people may leave a spouse for the affair partner, statistics say that only 5% of those relationship survive. Why? Because the bubble burst and people are left with reality. My H didn't even LIKE the OW. He thought she was whiny, self-centered, and very high maintenance but she stroked his ego. She made him feel good about himself. Eventually that would have worn off because ultimately, HE didn't like himself and we all know that happiness comes from within.
The book I gave you the link to specifically says that only the cheater is to read it but you know what? I read it anyway. There is so many bad books out there that there was NO WAY I was handing over something I hadn't read. It's a great book(I can't enlarge hon, you have to do that) and I know many people who found it was the catalyst that prompted their spouse into the real world.
If you want to email me, I have tons of great links and book titles that I can give you.
H and I are both seeing C individually. At some point we will need to get back to MC but right now we need to get through the crisis mode. H is being very attentive but I am confident emails and correspondence continues between H and OW. Not necessarily to keep their relationship going but to discuss their break up etc. She is very needy and H is very compasionate and wont be cold to her. I told H he needs to stop the emails because OW knows I dont have access to email and that is just another secret they have together. No matter what I say to H he is going to do what he wants to do and I have to realize that. This is the most difficult part for me.
Hi - It seems like an interesting 8 months - your post on BeingMe's thread was touching.
Quote: Well this weekend something different happened. My H's company picnic was Sunday and we were going . MC suggested and told us we had to do it together. H was not looking forward to it but knew we had to do it. OW said she was going, it was her right yada yada ya. Down deep I knew she wouldnt go because she didnt have the guts and is emotionally very week. Sure enough she was a no show. But it sent a statement loud and clear. I think she beleived H wouldnt end up going or would get me to back out. When my H didnt do that it finally told her he was done with her. Well Monday and Tuesday she was and emotionally at the office and my H FINALLY FINALLY told her to get the..... out of his life and move on. He came to my office yesterday morning in tears and very emotional. I have been telling him for months we can do this together and he needs to be honest with me how she is handling it. He has been trying to make her happy and me. Cant have it both ways. there is nothing he can do to make this woman happy short of starting the A up again and I know he hasnt done that. I have been waiting for him to get mad at her and tired of it and I think he is finally there. In the past he has gotten mad at her but only after I have discovered contact was made. this was different , he came to me visibly upset and told me without me asking that he is tired of it all. AMEN. Lets hope he sticks with it. I have to be strong, not question him, not get mad at him (which isnt always easy) and show him I can handle what he tells me. Otherwise he backs off and feels he is getting it from both ends. I have a feeling its not the end though because the OW is desperate and living in a fantasy world and they work so close together. Just cant beleive it that we are over a year back living together and almost two years into this mess and we are still dealing with it.
So many of us have been down this road of 'multiple endings' to the affair. And the hard work continues. Looking forward to your update, one week on from the company picnic.
