I don't know if anyone will have any kind of insight on this or not, but after last night its been on my mind. Let me explain the situation and why it prompted me to think this way.
Last evening H and I went to a pub/lounge with some of my dance buddies and their spouses to a show. (some of you may remember I take belly dance lessons) Anyway first of all H really didn't want to go. He is a real home body. I was off work yesterday and around the middle of the day he was like talking to the dogs, telling them he was going to go do something then come back and start cleaning the house. I said to him, if you start cleaning now you will be too tired to go tonight. (I know him all too well, he does this alot to get out of going somewhere with me) So after several sighs and grumbles he decided not to clean.
Getting ready to go to the show he started complaining about god knows what (here again he does this all the time in hopes of getting out of going) so I finally said, well this is the 2nd time today you have tried to get out of going, if you want to stay home, stay, I am going. He did go with me. If any of you have ever been to this kind of show then you know that the dancers interact with the audience. We were sitting at a table that was right on the isle, where they had to pass to get to the rest of the audience. Not once did one of the dancers approach H. He sits there like a statue and hardly moves, only commenting a couple of times. On the way home I asked him if he enjoyed it, he said yes very much. We talked most of the way home about the performers. So I said to him "H how come you never smile?" He never ever smiles or laughs. Most of the time I have to ask him if he is even having a good time. He says he doesn't smile cause he feels his smile is ugly.
I think I have seen him smile a couple times in 22 yrs marriage and never thought it was ugly.
We went to a similar show last summer and my friend asked me at class the next week if he even had a good time that she said he looked mad most of the time. He does look mad most of the time. It dawned on my last night!!!!! Ding Ding Ding.................. could this be the reason I always feel anxious when we go out together? Could this be some sort of sub-consious thing (on my part) why I don't approach him more on talking or touching? He actually LOOKS mean most of the time. How come I never noticed this before? I seem to remember 22yrs ago that he smiled. where did it go? why didn't I miss it before now?
Annette: I've imagined your H before as a scowler. You know how it is...we construct faces for many of our online acquaintances. It's hard to get a leopard (especially an old leopard) to change its spots. Maybe just asking him to smile a bit more might do the trick. Maybe not.
I can understand not wanting to approach someone who looks mad or mean. That's kind of an innate behavior. Have you talked to him about this?
Hairdog, who wishes he had better answers for annette, who always gives him good advice.
We talked about it a little on the way home last night. When he said he never smiles because he doesn't like his smile and its ugly........ I told him NO, what I remember of his smile its nice. I told him he looks mean or mad alot of the time and that geezzzzz who wants to be with an ole meany.
Now that I really think about this, I think this is alot of the problem where he thinks I am being a nag asking him if he is ok. Its really hard to tell if he is happy.
You were right on the money with how you pictured him lol
It sounds like a habit to me. As if he's gotten into a habit of not smiling and now to go around smiling would feel weird. He's too much of a sourpuss to notice the sweetpuss...wait, I'll stop.
Have you ever read Michele's book A woman's guide to changing her man? It's a good read and includes the SBT principles that you see over and over on this website. Basically it would advise you to get him to smile more by positive reinforcement..noticing when he does smile and complimenting him on it. ("I love it when you smile like that", etc)
I found it at the library and wish I did more of the principles in this book and less of my tried-and-true-flop stuff!
Annette, Get this, in the book the very first chapter is called "how to train your dog" or something like that! LOL
She goes through how the process of training a dog is similar to getting your husband to act the way you want him to. (of course, it's all about YOU and how you are acting towards him..there is no magical cure) I've never had a dog, except farm dogs and you don't really train them, so I couldn't say whether it's technically accurate or not. But it's worth a look!
I still use the info in that book (again, it's the same stuff you see all over this site) and I have recently been on a new kick to REALLY use it. It's having a good effect on things.
