I would give anything for a convertible ride through the mountains today. No sun, my horse skills are minimal, would be better on a motorcycle. Like many others here, I seem to be the brunt of W frustrations with the world. If the kids act up, I catch the heat. Some days I feel like the dog, the first to get kicked if things don't go right, the only one she can talk to who knows the whole story, and of course the first she want to put out if something stinks. Isn't it amazing how sometimes our spouses treat their loyal/best friend.
Once in a while I have had to stand up for myself lately and ask, "how is this my fault, you sound like your blaming me for this"? "I wasn't even here". I guess my C told me to stand up for myself occasionally. I make sure I pick the best times to do that. Recently I feel that I am starting to actually recognize the person that I live with. After the bomb, it felt that I was living with a stranger. Now at least I feel like I actually am living with someone I know.
When this R finally gets to the point where I am not the only driving force behind the recovery, then I will feel more at peace. I am feeling some peace, however I feel that most of it comes from my ability to detach and be comfortable with that. One of my goals is to be more of the person that she met and married, less stress, less bogged down in life, less needing of another person to dictate what should happen in my life. Also, I will not try to direct her in the right decision. I will make her decisions her's alone. She knows my desires, how she proceeds is up to her.
I am a strong believer in good begets good. Our S can't figure out why everything is not working for them. I believe it is because no good can come from bad. The sooner they get with "the program" the sooner things will feel and be better. We just have to make sure that where we are is a more comfortable place to be.
