So, how are things going today, Phoenix? You said that you need to listen to her, but I think you have been doing that and you have had a lot of patience in your dealings. Somewhere along the way, she is going to have to start listening to you too, and rebuilding the trust she broke with you. I guess, your W is still at the point where she is in denial, and is still the martyr? Anyway, let us know how things are, and keep up the good work. BTW, H and I are thinking of getting married in the T - perhaps next year. Seems the church doesn't do renewal of vows.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hey, that's great! I hope he now has his head on straight, the T takes things to the whole next level. Myself, I would be asking him if he has gotten rid of all doubts and is fully committed. Perhaps he has seen what he could have lost, and where he has fallen short. Instead of struggling in the old mire he has chosen to move forward and upward.
As far as what you said in my sitch, yep your 100% right. When and what she plans on doing about it is yet to be seen. You don't know how many times people have said to me, "does she realize what she is doing". I just shrug my sholders. She has a close friend who is aware of what is going on. I just wish she would take her by the sholders, sit her down and set her staight. But I suspect most people don't have the strength to do so. My prayer right now is that someone will step up to the plate. Someone she respects, perhaps someone who has been through this themself and has made the right choice or wish they had. Just some cold hard reality that's close enough to home.
Some days I wish I could post video of some of the crap I have to go through. Not sure what the genre would be, my guess would be horror-comedy-sitcom. Couldn't classify this one as a movie, it doesn't seem to end. How I wish I could solve it in an hour.
I thought I better get on here and say something. Lately I have been very hesistant to get on here and say much, I think it has to do mostly with not seeing baby steps as a real change, more of a sliding back into "more of the same old". Kind of like going down a Wyoming highway, you can look back and see where you were far back, you can see a point of reference to where you want to be in front, but here and now isn't really exciting either.
As much as I know I did the right thing, my patience is not what it should be. Right now I am focusing on reconnecting since she seems to be receptive to it. Yes the steps are there but please give me patience and forgiveness. Luckily I do have a friend that has given me insight into "the dark side" (MLC). AS IF. The phrase that pays.
Hi Phoenix! I have been somewhat quiet as well. Mostly busy trying to get my assignments completed, while at the same time unpacking the endless boxes we still seem to have. I hate moving! Oh well! We are in the house - sort of.
I know that it takes patience, and a lot of forgiveness to win this battle. And, it is like a battle, isn't it? We are fighting a war against darkness that would destroy our families, weaken our wills, and diminish our spirits. We, who are not going through a MLC, have to be strong. You are one of the most patient people I know. I would've given up long ago, but you have stayed the course thus far, so don't give up now.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'm at a point where I don't know what to do next. I've done all the right stuff, I'm trying to go from disconnected/as if to talking and connecting, and for the most part it is working. But there are a few hangups (for her) that I can't seem to affect. I'll come back later today and try to give more details.
Some days I wonder if I'm patient or just flat nuts.
Anyway, I got your email, and gave you my 2c worth, and hope there was a small bit of wisdom in it. Although, I do not feel very wise these days.
Hope things are improving still.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I did get your and Chrushed's response yesterday. The weekend went well and things seem to be improving. Some medium steps were accomplished on Saturday, even last night showed positives. There has been some interaction where she has been seeking me out instead of vice versa. Slowly I am starting to feel more at peace.
As mentioned there are a few things that kind of need to go away, or controlled more, before I think we can take things to the next level. However, I don't see her giving those things up until she really sees their affect. With time and proper priorities she should come around. So I guess I'm at the point where I can see significant movement, but I still can't see the end of the tunnel. At this point I am still looking forward to the day when she will be open with me about her feelings and show a desire to stay with me and say, "I do love you, thanks for your patience".
So the ride continues, not near as rough, but not over yet.
Can't seem to find my focus today, too much going on in my mind. Maybe if I can put a few things down here I can move on with my day. A lot of things seem to be getting better, but unfortunately I don't know if they are all for real, or just show. Just when I think we might be turning the corner, she seems to be holding back. Some days I suspect she just wants this to be a "working" relationship only, you know the one where you hold on till the kids move out, the rug gets yanked and your left with nothing.
Some days I would love to just dissappear and start clean. However, the little faces I love give me a reason to stay. I am not the type of person to endure a life of constant misery, that's why there has never been an "after" relationship with exGFs, not sure if this would be any different. For now I will continue to put everything I can into saving this, however, at some point we might have to cut bait. Up to this point everything has been her decision, at that point it will be mine. I will only do this when I feel I have done all I can, that is the main reason I have never regretted it in the past.
I wanted very much to be a good husband and father in this life, but some times I guess things are taken from you. My children know how very much I love them and will know how to reach me when they want me back in their lives, I will wait for that day. Perhaps we'll all walk, space and time might do W good. I would have preferred them to have a mother through their lives, but I guess decisions have to be made. I guess I feel I have gone long enough with being decieved with someone who will not commit to making things better.
Going on the assumption that this is her MLC, I will give it some more time, how much I don't know. I really never wanted this kind of crap to happen to my kids, but as we all know it takes two in an R. Sometimes our spouses don't really take into account the effects of their actions.
I hope things are going better for the rest of you on here. For some of you I know this is nothing, but I had to get it out. If we're looking at this 1 (years of marriage) for 1 (since bomb), I guess I have a few more to go, the kids deserve it. I do love her, patience is thin today.
Patience, is it for real or show, disappear and start clean, or should we be thankful for what we do have? It's a tough call, and only we know the trueness of our situation. We just keep trudging thru each day, and hope the next one shows some better signs of progress. Get it out here - vent, I just did over on my ride. So, how do we suggest some happiness and change for the better? I need an attitude adjustment in a big time way. Maybe we all do for a while. It's a sun shiny day here. I hope your sun is shining too.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I would give anything for a convertible ride through the mountains today. No sun, my horse skills are minimal, would be better on a motorcycle. Like many others here, I seem to be the brunt of W frustrations with the world. If the kids act up, I catch the heat. Some days I feel like the dog, the first to get kicked if things don't go right, the only one she can talk to who knows the whole story, and of course the first she want to put out if something stinks. Isn't it amazing how sometimes our spouses treat their loyal/best friend.
Once in a while I have had to stand up for myself lately and ask, "how is this my fault, you sound like your blaming me for this"? "I wasn't even here". I guess my C told me to stand up for myself occasionally. I make sure I pick the best times to do that. Recently I feel that I am starting to actually recognize the person that I live with. After the bomb, it felt that I was living with a stranger. Now at least I feel like I actually am living with someone I know.
When this R finally gets to the point where I am not the only driving force behind the recovery, then I will feel more at peace. I am feeling some peace, however I feel that most of it comes from my ability to detach and be comfortable with that. One of my goals is to be more of the person that she met and married, less stress, less bogged down in life, less needing of another person to dictate what should happen in my life. Also, I will not try to direct her in the right decision. I will make her decisions her's alone. She knows my desires, how she proceeds is up to her.
I am a strong believer in good begets good. Our S can't figure out why everything is not working for them. I believe it is because no good can come from bad. The sooner they get with "the program" the sooner things will feel and be better. We just have to make sure that where we are is a more comfortable place to be.
Oh well! We are in the house - sort of.
