Are we there YET?

[BeingMe]

Hi Phoenix! I have been lurking on and off of the BB, posted on my thread (which I see is now locked) - just really busy with the move.

You seem to really be in a state of limbo which is not bad unless it goes on for too long. I'm the type of person that cannot tolerate that state, and would rather just do something - anything - to get out of it. But, that's me! I am way too impatient. I admire your incredible patience with your W. Perhaps it's time to shake things up a bit. Sometimes these WAS's need a bit of excitement like a kick in the butt - no, no, I'm kidding.

Maybe you can sit her down (I know, bad DB'ing) and tell her that you have noticed how everyone else is cared for and shown affection, but that you are left out in the cold. You can expand on this by pointing out that you have been extremely patient with her and her childishness, but that she should consider that that patience is not limitless. You want the family to stay together, but if she cares more for herself and going out and having EA's, then perhaps she should leave and you would gladly bring the children up by yourself. You could find someone who does care for you, who would be a wife in the true sense, and perhaps would be happy to be a step-mom to the kids. Paint her a picture of what life would be like with the two of you separated. Sometimes, WAS's live in a fantasy world and that their S's will always be there no matter what they do, and they need to be reminded of the real world, and the consequences of their actions. Realistically speaking ... how long can you handle this? Perhaps you can set some time limits on certain things. For instance, if you do not receive spontaneous hugs by the end of October, then you will do something about - think of a response you could make. Anyway, I'm sure you get my drift.

Okay, Phoenix, this is what I would do, but it's something you should only consider in a LR sitch. When you are willing to break up the family for the sake of your health and sanity. The kids will not thank you one day for sacrificing your health and happiness for their sakes. They are not stupid - they know what's going on.

As always, I wish you everything of the best, my friend. I wish I could have a chat with your wife and tell her what she is risking. I nearly lost my H because I was also very unaffectionate, and cold toward him for almost 2 years before the bomb (I was going through my own little MLC). If only he had spoken up, things might've been different, but he chose to withdraw into his cave, and be the long-suffering martyr.

Be kind to yourself.