I really haven't felt like posting on here lately, however I can feel myself getting kind of appathetic, so I will do what works and get on here and make a move. Right now I feel my R is getting to a rut at mid stream. Nowhere near where I want to be, but far enough away from the beginning that I shouldn't be complaining. Here's where we're at.
W never left and is now fairly civil. However, still want's to maintain some form a buffer at times.
Likes to lavish affection on any family member, other than me.
I do not feel much love, just association, like a roommate.
Since she does not seem to be wanting to work on the problem, I find myself getting frustrated and feed up.
Today I just felt like falling off the map, without a trace.
Something needs to turn a corner soon. This whole experience is draining the life out of me. I don't see me as really better, just more tolerant and synical. Don't get me wrong, I do still feel some love for her when I'm around her, I am just almost angry that she won't settle down and work to get us out of this mess.
I don't know where to go next and I'm starting to wonder if I really care anymore. Thank goodness for the kids, if it weren't for them I'm not sure where I would be. Everyday I say I will go one more "round" for them. Perhaps I just need to hear a bit more from some of the old friends here. I have been following you Blue, you are one tough cookie, my hat is off to you. BeingMe, I hope things are picking up for you. Email me girl. Crushed, my wife needs vixen training, what's your rates?
I'm sorry things have been so down for you lately. I can relate. Most of the time I feel like XH and I are only roommates, and that sucks. I really do hope things start to move forward for you soon.
So what are you doing to change things? Are you still DBing? Are you still working on yourself?
Hi Phoenix! I have been lurking on and off of the BB, posted on my thread (which I see is now locked) - just really busy with the move.
You seem to really be in a state of limbo which is not bad unless it goes on for too long. I'm the type of person that cannot tolerate that state, and would rather just do something - anything - to get out of it. But, that's me! I am way too impatient. I admire your incredible patience with your W. Perhaps it's time to shake things up a bit. Sometimes these WAS's need a bit of excitement like a kick in the butt - no, no, I'm kidding.
Maybe you can sit her down (I know, bad DB'ing) and tell her that you have noticed how everyone else is cared for and shown affection, but that you are left out in the cold. You can expand on this by pointing out that you have been extremely patient with her and her childishness, but that she should consider that that patience is not limitless. You want the family to stay together, but if she cares more for herself and going out and having EA's, then perhaps she should leave and you would gladly bring the children up by yourself. You could find someone who does care for you, who would be a wife in the true sense, and perhaps would be happy to be a step-mom to the kids. Paint her a picture of what life would be like with the two of you separated. Sometimes, WAS's live in a fantasy world and that their S's will always be there no matter what they do, and they need to be reminded of the real world, and the consequences of their actions. Realistically speaking ... how long can you handle this? Perhaps you can set some time limits on certain things. For instance, if you do not receive spontaneous hugs by the end of October, then you will do something about - think of a response you could make. Anyway, I'm sure you get my drift.
Okay, Phoenix, this is what I would do, but it's something you should only consider in a LR sitch. When you are willing to break up the family for the sake of your health and sanity. The kids will not thank you one day for sacrificing your health and happiness for their sakes. They are not stupid - they know what's going on.
As always, I wish you everything of the best, my friend. I wish I could have a chat with your wife and tell her what she is risking. I nearly lost my H because I was also very unaffectionate, and cold toward him for almost 2 years before the bomb (I was going through my own little MLC). If only he had spoken up, things might've been different, but he chose to withdraw into his cave, and be the long-suffering martyr.
Be kind to yourself.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hi Hope2494. The point is I've done everything I've learned, have stuck to the principles, but can't quite seem to land this thing. Yes I'm still DBing and am still re-evaluating what else I can change about myself, but it feels like I've hit the wall. The only other variable is time, however my patience is wearing thin. But I keep swinging away and wait to see what is in store for me.
Thanks for getting back with me. I really wish some days someone would pull her aside and "set her straight". Yesterday I felt that there might never be a day where she'll really appreciates me, no matter what I do. After reading your post I definately played through that approach quite a bit. For now I'm not going to LRT, but I'm not pushing it completely aside either. Perhaps, like you said, maybe I need to put a time line on this.
I don't know if I'm much for painting pictures, no one sees me as a threat till I act, then their all surprised. If I get to that point, there will be very little said, just action. Never in my life did I want my children to go through this, or it's possible results, but I'm not going to leave them "sitting on a ledge". Maybe in the future they'll respect me for having the strength not only for giving it all I had, but being strong enough to cut and move on when necessary.
Time will tell. If I have to single Dad this family, I will, they will know who really loved them by my actions. They know I do what's needed for them in their lives, maybe it's time for me to step it up a notch and take it solo. Hopefully my experience will help them in their decisions. W says she loves them, I guess we'll see.
Hi Phoenix! How are things with you and your sitch? Our big move is this week, so I will probably not be posting much in the next month. I will check my hotmail account periodically though.
Just a thought I had today how our bishop told my H to not stay with me just for the sake of the children. I sometimes wonder if he took that advice or is going against it. Time will tell, I guess.
I have been thinking lately that we should try the Retrouvaille Program. Do you think your wife is open to that? I have sent the link to my H, so will see what he says about us going.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Well here's where I find myself. I am a very patient guy, otherwise I don't think I would still be here. Occassionally I will get a card(b-day) that says she appreciates my patience, but nothing that says she want's this to succeed. She will sit and talk to me a bit about what is going on in her life (non-R), but I see too many days where she's got the "why do I have to go through this look on her face.
On the positive side however she did stay for almost all of a week ago's SS lesson. How did that one sit on your end. A year ago she would have been figity and gone for long restroom breaks. Perhaps I just need to let things play out some more. My tank is pretty low, she needs to do some stepping up.
I know this is hard, especially when the S doesn't really seem to be doing anything to help things along. I think it's good that you can look back and see that you have made progress. Even if it's not as much as you would like. I think you're right that you're going to have to let it play out a while longer. Just keep doing what you're doing and keep looking for those baby steps. We're here for you.
In one of the posts yesterday I saw something that said, "go as far as you can go, then give it another year". Just when I thought there was very little positive, W shows some more. I think I am learning that these books and boards are the best source for me. Everywhere else seems to be off the mark, and sometimes irritating. Thanks Hope for the encouragement.
Well I blew it last night and once again got drug into a R discussion with W. Some of it was my own doing, most of it being out of frustration. Luckily I realed myself back in and came out of it intact. Today, thanks to DB and this board, I have been mostly AS IF and upbeat. It just amazes me that we are falling into the same type of R her grandparents had and wife couldn't understand. Maybe I'll call grandpa and get some pointers on how he rode it out. He made it 65 yrs., I guess I've got a few ahead of me.
Seems now a days I'm up against a W who has made up her mind that she doesn't want to do what it takes to work things out, but doesn't want to leave her kids. So we are stuck on the fence, just waiting for her to wake up and realize the damage she is doing to me and the kids. Some how I think pride is what has got us here, and she is to proud to step back, realize her error, change and bring this back together. So I guess we ride this ride a little further and see what the next day brings. I hope before this is all over I don't totally lose respect for her, right now it's certainly is being tried.
If any of you girls have suggestions, let me know. We'll better go and feed the kids. Someone has to do it.
