Your probably very right, I'm just finding myself in a "used" sitch, which I have always resented. I don't like to feel taken advantage of. Right now I feel like that guy in that movie "Falling Down". Fortunately the commute home is fairly low key and I'm not likely to snap like that.
Like you suggested I think I will probably just focus more on changing me and my activities and just let the rest go. This next week I think I will try to go more one on one C and see where it goes. To stay positive I think I will focus my main attention on my kids. Right now I feel myself getting into a just don't give a rip mode. I'll go hug my little D3 and maybe I'll care again/more.
Sometimes the "I don't give a rip" mode is good. You can relax a little and not care about anything (except, of course, a sweet little 3-year old). Aaah, mine are all grown up but they are still precious to me! And not giving a rip can help you get on with your own stuff without worrying about what everyone else thinks. Definitely see your C--I think only good can come of that. A safe place to talk and feel.
I really think it's ok to not care for a little while. I think it is a survival tool for us. Just remember to act as if around her--like you haven't a care in the world and all is good for you! PATIENCE
I think that's when I was able to let go of the rope - the point at which I just didn't care one way or the other. Divorce/Don't Divorce - whatever! That was my attitude, ultimately. It made me feel that there was more to life then worrying about what he was feeling, thinking, or doing. I diverted my attention, and interest away, and suddenly he was thinking how interesting a creature I was.
I hope you get to that point, Phoenix! It is a place of peace. I am still there, really. I am working with H to keep our M, but in the back of my mind I am happy married or not.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I guess my hidden concern is how over the years I have just taken an "as if" approach, even though I didn't know what it was. If something was wrong I would ask what the problem was and she would say "nothing". She felt it was her problem to solve. If I started to try to help, it would just annoy her, so I would back off. So I'm not sure which way is best. So far I have stuck with "as if" since it seems to get the best results. However all she seems to want is a worse than before status quo.
So at this point I don't feel like I'm going anywhere fast, I can't get my hopes up, so I'm at "don't give a rip". On the positive side I'm trying to make sure I am doing what I want, enjoying the kids and prepare myself for whatever comes my way. Fighting off the anger right now is a tough thing. Trying to stay accepting to someone who has done this to me is tough also. But, I'm usually a push over, so I know I'll probably take her back just like before.
We have good plans for the weekend, let's see how they play out. Thanks for your input.
I definately think I'm getting there. As I mentioned, I don't think there is exit plan from that state (in her mind). Her feeling is we'll just put up with no one hurt, no one happy.
My feeling is that I have done well, however, I'm at a point of not knowing where to move next. It's her move now. So I guess I move into cruise control and sit back. My feeling right now is I guess it's her choice, she is the one who will have to answer to God and children for her decision. Of course we know that won't float well with either.
We do know how that will float, but we also have to realise that our WAS's think in a different way. It sounds like she thinks she is sacrificing herself to the M for the sake of God and the children. And, perhaps, she thinks that this will somehow be okay, and that this sacrifice will be blessed, and/or rewarded. Somehow, that thinking has to be changed to a more realistic viewpoint. Hope I'm making sense here. With a man, I think, it's easier to get him to see things in a logical manner, and this seemed to work for me. But, a woman is more geared towards emotional thinking, so perhaps you can find a way to speak to that side of her (which is a huge side)? I will think more on this .....
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
You definately seem to have an excellent read on her mind set. It is very hard for me to comprehend it, understand the lack of motivation to solve it (many years of just ignoring/hiding it) and resisting any help towards a better outcome (both from me and professionals). What really hit close to the mark is your statement about sacrificing for the marriage. One of the C spoke to me about her needing to feel like a martyr (marriage and service to others).
It never ceases to amaze me how some people can justify exception to doctrine and still feel in harmony. She loves the kids, loves the Church, feels she has a strong T but can't seem to connect the dots between what the bretheren say in regards to healing or marraige. (Doesn't think it relates to our sitch) She does seem to have more of the spirit with her (she was definately cold in the early stages), but a phrase about luke warm jumps to memory right now.
Please do think more on this dilema. I have given space and held back comment and R discussions. As a result I'm not sure how to talk to her about this without seeming preachy or pursuent. I love this women and can see light, but my patience is stretched thin.
From the beginning she claims I have done nothing wrong and I can't think of anything. When asked what she would change about me the answer was, "I don't want him to have to change for me, that's what I did and I don't want to any more". I've never asked her to change for me, my expectations were nothing more than what the church expects. So here we are, pegged as the bad guy, but with nothing to do, nothing to change and very little control. If it wasn't for DB I think I would feel totally helpless. At least this way I feel like I have something I can control and work on. You don't relize how much it helps to have your input.
Please give this some good thought this weekend. I will be on here later today, but gone most of the rest of the weekend. Going camping. Have a great weekend.
Hey, Phoenix! Have a great weekend. We are still getting our house ready to put on the market, so this weekend I will be gardening - intense gardening, that is. My H will be doing painting, fixing the basement bathroom, and other little things that only H's seem to be able to do.
A thought occurred to me re your sitch ... have you ever tried not being a pushover. Using a bit of tough love, maybe? I once asked my H durng the darker times - "what advice would you give me if I was just a friend whose H was treating her this way?" He told me he would tell her not to put up with his crap (excuse the language). Well, maybe you should ask yourself what advice you would give yourself, if you were a friend whose wife was treating him this way? Try not to give her everything she wants, don't make compromises, set and keep your boundaries (treat her, basically, like a rebellious teenager). You could even say to her to not be such a martyr and to grow up, but maybe that's going to far, 'eh! I know you love her, but sometimes one has to realise that love alone is not enough, and we all deserve better than what we have (in your case and similar, I mean), and we just have to say, "enough, no more, I will not be treated in this way". We all also have to come to that conclusion in our own time.
I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yes this is quite a precarious sitch I'm in. As much as I have been quite a push over in times past, when I have stood up for myself lately, it has landed me right in worse shape than before (ie. the night I got the bomb). A couple of C sessions where W got called to the carpet resulted in her no longer wanting to go. W wants a strong and independent man like her father, but one she can control, who won't question her. Go figure that one out. I try to follow all the standard methods for how we have been taught to treat our "E companions". But since you've seen my story, it hasn't quite gone as the brouchere pictured it.
Things are starting to get better and I think the mother ship might be leaving orbit. Somehow I don't think it's going to be a T.V. ending, but I could be wrong. Of course in the back of my mind I question if it's real or just a "get by for now" show. I'm going to try not to waste time or energy on that negative for now. Stay focused.
With a man, I think, it's easier to get him to see things in a logical manner, and this seemed to work for me. But, a woman is more geared towards emotional thinking, so perhaps you can find a way to speak to that side of her (which is a huge side)? I will think more on this ..... 
My H will be doing painting, fixing the basement bathroom, and other little things that only H's seem to be able to do. 