That quote about "the best gift you can give your children is to love your spouse", I heard on Dr. Phil too. And I agree wholeheartedly. My visiting teachers were over the other day, and I was explaining to them generally what was happening, and one of them said, "Well, we know that H loves his kids", and then I remembered that quote, and couldn't help saying, "H doesn't love them as much as it seems", and gave them the quote.
Anyway, Phoenix, how are you doing? Still hanging in there, I hope. Maybe, it makes a difference being married in the T. At the moment, I feel spiritually bereft, psychologically exhausted, totally confused by H's behaviour, and just want a fairly normal life, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. I know life has it's ups and downs, but I'm a bit tired of the downs now, and just want to move through this as fast as possible, and live my own life.
Good luck, my friend!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I don't know if it was really a backslide, but I had to voice a few of my concerns this morning. It went fairly well, I got a few things off of my chest and wife let me know a few of her feelings on things. Life has been insane lately on top of the R/M issue. Some times I've want to just wimp out and put some miles or dirt between me and the issues.
As for the M at T. Wait till you've done all the right things, the way your suppose to do it, I mean textbook and it all comes back in your face. I guess there's a little peace knowing I have done things right, but obviously not perfect if I'm here. In some ways it has helped since a lot of people expect us to fight to keep it going. W has definately had to rethink a few times since all her family and relatives would think much on a D. They also know me quite well and that would put the focus back on her.
As for your sitch, I hope things would go better for you. One things that bothers me is the incredible amount of anger or need for payback. To me that would seem to destroy any possibility for reconciliation. If you did something wrong and someone had that sort of attitude towards you, even though you knew you were wrong, you wouldn't be likely to work on fixing things. The fact that H seems to say "No" but do "Yes" has my attention. I think he wants to do "Yes" but doesn't know if he has the strength, so he says "No".
Perhaps I would say mellow out, detach a little (180) and let's see what happens. Since you have pretty much written it off, maybe it's time to truly step back and let him do some work and show some colours. I guess my feelings would be if he really didn't want to work things out why would he bother doing the "Yes" stuff. Let's see what happens.
Hi Phoenix! Do I come across as angry? I didn't think I was - well, not anymore. I am more confused at the moment. At first, his words were saying 'yes', but his actions were saying 'no'. Now it's the reverse. I just don't know what to think anymore, which is why I just want out of this little merry-go-round. If this was the first time he was putting me through the wringer, then I would be more patient, but I just don't have it in me anymore. Too many disappointments has left me feeling empty. I need time alone to recover, and build myself up, and then we'll see where we stand.
You have yourself a good weekend.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Well it was just another emotional roller coaster ride. I can't seem to get a handle on the next step. We seem stuck in limbo, me not wanting to push, appear desperate, giving space, her not wanting to make changes just follow old destructive habits. My patience is growing thin, I might not be able to keep my peace forever. If she doesn't get off the dime soon, I might not be as understanding when she does.
Well I guess I better do some more reading. Unfortunately I seem to be loosing desire for much of anything these days. There seems to be some piece of the puzzle missing here and I can't quite seem to put a handle on it. Hopefully the rest of you are doing better.
Hi Phoenix, I am sorry that you're on another emotional roller coaster ride again. Perhaps you should just coast for now in limbo. Try and take each moment as it comes, and live in it, and try and forget everything else. I know! Very difficult, but I am finding that that's the way I am going to have to live my life for awhile. So, although I'm not in limbo, but actually moving away from M and H, I still have to live in the moment, otherwise I fall into the Hope trap (hoping that things will work out, even though it doesn't seem so), or the Anger trap (spouting my mouth off, and it not helping any, because I don't seem to have any control over what happens to my M right now, so may as well just go with the flow), or the Victim trap (whining and complaining and feeling sorry for myself won't help things either, but it's a tempting trap), or any other trap you can think of other than keeping up a PMA, and GAL.
I am thinking of you, and will check in again tomorrow.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I think your right. As much as I'm a fix it today kind of guy, I'll just back off and try to enjoy what is there. Like yourself I am also finding it hard to handle some of the natural anger involved. There are times I find myself just staring at her trying to figure things out as you would an opponent in a sports game. The fact that the person you are suppose to look to for love and support is now the "opponent", just amazes me.
On the more positive side of things I can say that I feel comfortable around her most of the time. I definately am not excited about a non-trusting relationship. When you trust other friends more than your W that's sad. In any other type of R I would have cut them out immediately, maybe not entirely, but significantly. That's not so easy in a M with kids.
Anyhow I guess I better just try what you have suggested and see where it goes. Thanks for the input. Good luck with your sitch. Hope you enjoy your classes, I loved college.
There seems to be good things going on. W seems to be much more of a caring person, considerate of what may be my needs. Also seems to be less withdrawn into herself. She seems to be letting me back into her life more and more. I think she has started to realize that although our life is not perfect, it has a lot of good points to it. Add to that the fact that if she was to split up this M and family, she would hurt alot of people that she does love.
I'm starting to see more hope on the horizon. There still seems to be a minor issue that bothers her. I can't quite figure out how to solve it. I'm going to go back to DR and start SSM. My guess it's in SSM since all signs tend to lead towards this.
As I look back I'm thankful to say that I'm here on this site, on this BB. You don't know how good it feels to have your W smile at you again when you are showing her acts of love (5LL). I guess I'll just keep filling that tank and lets see what happens.
Thanks to all. Keep up the good work. Fight like your life depended on it, but enjoy the ride and be proud of your efforts. If nothing else this whole battle has taught me alot about my character and what I am capable of. Not to mention faith.
hi PS I have been following you snitch and have so many times thought to myself, i feel that way too. Just seems I never have much time to post.
I am happy to hear that she is showing changes for the better, I keep praying it will happen for me. Reading more (even when we feel like it could be worthless) really can only help us all.
Things are looking up, it seems. Very promising progress, from my vantage point, Phoenix. The smiling at you when you do something for her, is a big step, I think. It means that she is softening up, positively reacting to you.
Wishing you a great weekend!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
There are positive changes, I guess I just have to step back and accept changes at face value. With betrayed trust and the resistence to showing definate change (giving herself an emergency out if needed), I find it hard getting too excited about the changes. Like yourself, BeingME, I wonder if I can really draw close again to her. If she is always going to have one foot hanging out the door, am I willing to live with this the rest of my life.
The battle that seems to be the root of all this is the decision she needs to make between the person she needs to be (wife, mother, religious..)or the person that her friends and coworkers want her to be. She'll be the last to admit it, but this has MLC written all over it. There is time when she is happy with the highlights of family (school plays, basketball games), then there are times when the co-workers call up and want to go "do stuff" (action, excitement, no responsibility). This "stuff" is starting to cost as much as a bad habit.
I have to step back and look at the fact that she is still home and will probably stay. But I am scared to push the issue and jerpordize that. So I feel locked in an endless struggle and my only hope being something I'm having a hard time picturing. However I am not one to give up easily. Besides I love my children and I promised myself I would do whatever is necessary for their well being.
My thoughts are with you BeingMe. I wish I had some real pearl of wisdom to turn things around for you, but I don't. Your there and must make the call. Hope your week goes well.
For now I guess, enjoy the smile and be thankfull for life.
I know life has it's ups and downs, but I'm a bit tired of the downs now, and just want to move through this as fast as possible, and live my own life.
