Not sure what to do some days. Things are decent, not where I want them to be, not where I fell safe and wanted, but not happy. Wife seems to be making positive moves, showing good intent, but still sometimes showing (and occasionally saying) how frustrated she is with the idea of staying. Is she going to stay and do the right thing or cave into her MLC fantasies and sort out the pieces on the other side?
My D3 woke up this morning crying. When I asked her what was wrong, all she would say is, "Daddy don't leave. You aren't going to leave are you?". I assured her no I was not going to leave, so I guess I'm commited. She has no trouble with me coming and going to work, or me dropping her off at daycare. She can however sense that things are not right with me and W. The tone in the house is better, but the trust thing is a slow long road.
What worries me sometimes is her emotional/spiritual roller coaster. Some days she is the same old girl I married, some days you would swear you had eaten her chocolate. I don't have any hard evidence, but the influence of the girls at work definately seem to be negative. Most of them are D or D and on second tour of duty. There seems to be a real need amoung the group to live the flamboyant and exciting life style. In most cases, this seems to draw them away from their relationships and families. Like I mentioned, high D rate or if not D a history of S.
W loves her job, has wanted to do it all her life, but the environment seems to have negative affect away from work. Financially we could not make it without her job, so I couldn't ask her to quite. Maybe she just needs to be a little more selective with her friends and recognize their influence. But I guess all of us can say that. To me if it's a choice of impressing friends or keeping family, there really is no choice, family is most valuable.
I was told once that the best gift you can give your children is to love your spouse. This in turn builds the family and gives the children happiness. Too often I hear, "do worry about the children if you break up", they'll be alright. I don't think these children are ever happy about their family sitch, just learn to deal with the ongoing pain and keep a positive attitude so they can survive. You would not believe the amount of times, teenagers of split homes, unaware of my sitch, have told me the troubles they have/are going through as a result of a divorce. So many times I wish I had video tape for each time the spouse has said the kids will be alright and I just want to be happy as a justification for wanting to S or D. There is no happy ever after for anyone with an S or D, especially if it's not really justified (drugs, alchohol, abuse....).
Sorry about the rant. I now relinquish my soapbox. Have the best Easter weekend possible. Stay positive.
