Thank you so much for the time you took to help me out. My internet was down for a week and I am now just catching up.
I am trying very hard to take it one day at a time. I couldn't ask for more from him, he confessed everything, is extremely understanding and fills all kinds of guilt and anguish.
We are in counseling and that is helping. The hard part for me is that he may lose his job. That opens up a whole new set of anger and resentment in me. I keep thinking we worked so hard to get where we are today and because of your stupid choices it could all be blown away. The kids and I didn't have any choice in all this and yet we will still end up being the ones to suffer.
That is what I meant when I said I am so confused. I had gotten to the point that I was no longer thinking about a reconcilitation. I had found peace and now I am back in all of the turmoil. I am trying to give up on anger and resentment for lent...lol that's definitely a sacrifice!
Our counselor's say that I need to feel those feelings and not repress them. I need to share them and he needs to hear them so that he can see the consequences of his decisions. They said he needs to hear them from me and I need to hear his feelings as well. We are doing a pretty good job of that, it is just so hard.
Sometimes, I just get so tired of holding it all together and being the "strong" one. Well I never asked to be strong, I didn't have a choice. I feel myself starting to withdraw and I am scared. I am scared that maybe I was happier without him, maybe I was better off without him.
Now I am supposed to stand by his side while he tries to save his career (in the military) that I put all of those years into supporting him to get him where he is today and then I will end up supporting him when he loses his job.
It's just not fair!!! I know, I totally sound like a child when I say that. It's just that I need to say that here so I don't say it at home. I am afraid that I am in a funk or a depression or something. Or maybe it's that I am just allowing myself to feel to much. Am I crazy, did I work so hard for all of this and in the process find out it is not what I wanted at all?
Thanks so much for your support it is what help me make it through the days.
