Happy 40th girlfriend. You know what you could say to your H? "Honey, I'm going to XXX tonight and I'm going to get laid for my 40th Birthday. It'd be really cool if that someone was you. Hope to see you there." And then LEAVE. Go to the place. See what happens.
Quote: So, what is the difference between a boundary (good) and an ultimatum (bad)? What if I were to say "I will not continue to live in a marriage in which I don't have sex at least twice a week unless there is a true emergency. If I find myself to still be in a marriage in which this is not happening on March 21st, I will ask you to start looking for your own apartment".
Of course, I would have to add "I will not have sex with anyone who treats me with disrespect, so disrespectful attempts to have sex with me will fail and therefore will not count towards the twice weekly sex I require."
Do I get a gold star or the dunce cap in Boundaries 101?
Well, let's break that down.
This is the boundary part:
Quote: I will not continue to live in a marriage in which I don't have sex.
This part is an expectation placed upon his behavior:
Quote: at least twice a week unless there is a true emergency.
This is attempting to control his behavior. I realize this is a preference for you, but this is something to be negotiated between two people, not something to be placed in a boundary. It will eventually come up in conversation, and you can state it as a preference... and then you have to leave him ALONE to decide for himself if he's going to give it a shot. Any attempt you make to control his behavior is going to blow up in your face.
The reason you are NOT having sex twice a week is because there is resentment, anger, frustration, and lack of trust and communication between the two of you. You THINK sex twice a week would do it, but if you stipulate it in such a way, it gives him no room to manuever, no choices to make, and no way for him to dismantle his own resentments, frustration, anger, etc.
When the boundary is about you, it leaves him with choices to make. He understands that he cannot continue on like he has been doing. You don't trust him to step up to the plate, and that is YOUR issue. Don't project it onto him. So I'd see your boundary as:
Quote: I will not continue to live in a marriage in which I don't have sex.
This is the consequence part, but I'd leave it out for now, or it will come off as a threat:
Quote: If I find myself to still be in a marriage in which this is not happening on March 21st, I will ask you to start looking for your own apartment".
The second one, I'd not even bring up. You know what it is. You don't have to STATE every boundary. If and when it happens, you know that you will STOP the sex from occuring, so how could it count?
At that point, you can call him on his disrespectfulness and say you will not be treated in such a way. When he throws his tantrum (I'm doing what you said you wanted!!), you can call him on that, too. But in a way that is in some part reinforcing:
"Honey, I really appreciate your attempt and I thank you for trying. But I can feel your anger and resentment and I cannot continue. Do you want to talk about it?"
If he wants to address the problem with you at that point, then the two of you can talk. If he shuts down, you have no options but to remove yourself from the situation. Let him regroup.
I understand you want the problem fixed NOW. But you have issues that need fixing, too, girl. You have serious trust issues. You don't treat him respectfully either. You treat him as someone who you expect to fail.
Why do you do this? How can you stop it? If you change these things about yourself, how will it affect his behavior?
There are plenty of things for you to be working on, too. Focus on yourself. When you get better at managing and changing your own issues, he will get better, too. And as he gets better, you will get better.
Find out what is BEHIND the lack of sex. Find out WHY some attempts fail. Don't assume. Nine times out of 10, it isn't about YOU. It is about some fear, anger or resentment thing going on inside of him that he is projecting onto you. See if you can help him get to the bottom of it.
In any event, stay away from attempting to control his behavior. How he behaves is his choice. Whether you will tolerate such behavior is YOUR choice. Keep it simple.
