Boundaries can be very confusing. Boundaries are not something you 'set on' another person. Boundaries are about yourself.
"You cannot treat me this way anymore."
This is not a boundary. This is an attempt to control someone else's behavior. It is an unenforcable demand.
"If you speak to me that way, I will walk out of the room."
This is a boundary and is completely enforceable because it is about you.
Boundaries are not set to define another person. Boundaries are set to define what goes on with you.
You also must set a definable consequence.
"I will not continue to live in a sexless relationship."
This is a boundary. You control the enforcement. The consequence is, you will kick your H out of the house in X amount of time if he continues to treat you in such a manner. The consequence defines the boundary. When X amount of time passes, and he has not changed, you kick his butt out.
Nowhere are you defining how he must act, nor how quickly. Everything that is defined here is about YOU.
Sometimes spouses need severe consequences like separation. Others need less severe ones, like:
- Cancelling a credit card
- Leaving for the party alone when the perpetually late partner doesn't come home by the agreed upon departure time.
- Going aheand and eating dinner when a spouse is late for the thousandth time
- Ending an abusive conversation
- Refusing to bail someone out of a jam because of perpetual irresponsibility, like overspending or not completing work on time.
When he threw his temper tantrum, you should have got up and left. Not because you were afraid or not, but because it is disrepectful behavior. Getting up and leaving is about YOU not the other person.
If sex comes up, you can say: "I love you, but I don't trust you. I can't be that close to you until we work this (trust issue) out."
"When you can participate in an intimate relationship with me, we can be close again."
Sex does not bring intimacy. Intimacy brings sex.
Boundaries are only built and established in the context of relationship. To run from a relationship as the first step of boundaries (like your H is trying to do) is not to have boundaries at all. It is a defense against developing boundaries with another person. The only place boundaries are real is within relationship.
Remember, it is an act of love to allow your spouse to reap the effects of his selfishness or irresponsibility -- unless you are acting out of revenge. When you set and keep boundaries with your spouse, you are saying "I may love you, but I'm not paying for your problems."
Refusing to rescue your spouse, such as by becoming something you are not, refusing to cheer him up when his is pouting, sacrificing to pay off his credit card bill -- helps keep the problem with him.
We are responsible to one another when we marry. We care how we affect our spouse. If one spouse feels no sense of responsibility to the other, this spouse is, in effect, trying to live a married live as a single person. On the other hand, you can't cross the line of responsibility. You need to avoid taking ownership for your mate's life. We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.
If you find yourself asking... "how can I get my spouse to do... XXX" you know it is a power play. This is not a boundary. Spouses have choices. You have the choice to make of what you will and will not tolerate. How (and if) your H decides to address the issue is up to them.
Your H has issues. Don't get sucked into them by playing his game of, "if you did it this way, I'd be turned on... if you looked that way, I'd be turned on..." He is attempting to control you.
You cooking hims dinner without fail is control on your part, did you know? He is a big boy. You are not responsible for his full belly. If you want to cook, cook. If you don't, he can figure it out. Really. The fact that you don't allow him to figure it out on his own is your attempt to keep him dependent on you... maybe even to reward you for a job well done.
It's tough, honey. Most of this stuff I just typed came out of a book called, "Boundaries in Marriage," by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Buy it or borrow it from the library. It is a little heavy on the relgious side, but the messages and principles it contains are spot on.
FYI, when I said the other day that it would be more loving of me to leave my spouse because I'm afraid he'll never be happy in a sexual relationship with me... that was complete and utter garbage, and I was in the midst of a full-blow pity party because I felt so overwhelmed. Please disregard.
It is far more loving for me to get my ass in gear and try my very best, always, or die trying in the process.
