The weird thing is I didn't really have much of an emotional reaction to my H throwing his wall-breaking tantrum. I've been thinking about this and it makes me recall that I was always "good" at handling temper tantrums when my kids had them too.
It brought to mind a thought that I've had previously and mentioned on the BB. I don't know if it's conscious or unconscious or just my own imagination, but on some level I think my H withholds sex and other things I need emotionally from me because he is too civilized to hit me in order to control my behavior. Besides, he knows that if he hit me I'd be out the door and never looking back. The question is why wasn't I out the door and never looking back when he did something as emotionally damaging as not hugging me when my father died. I'm not sure but I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't have a simple rule in my head to deal with that sort of behavior like I do when it comes to physically hurtful behavior. I think the changes I have to make within myself involve constructing these sort of emotional rules or boundaries for myself in this relationship or any I might have in the future. I have to figure out when I'm not being treated with enough kindness or respect and how best to demand the treatment I deserve. If I can't be LD for sex, I need to learn how to become LD for a particular sexual relationship if my physical or emotional needs are not being met within it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
