It's Unanimous- We both want out.

[MJontheMend]

I believe it's about being too enmeshed, not having enough detachment, differentiation. I'm not sure whether the theory is that the partner is sooo close and familiar that there's not enough oxygen to ignite a spark, or that protecting the sexual space is the only way to preserve any individual identity. Or life gets in the way and resentments build up... I'd believe any or all of the above

Okay, but if this is the case, why was my H low drive right from the beginning of our relationship and why did two women before me end relationships with him because of his low drive and why has he told me that the reason he only had a few relationships before me was because he didn't have enough drive to pursue women?

Conversely, if my HD is just in response to his LD, why have I consistently been sexual and felt horny on a regular basis since I was 15? I KNOW that if my H suddenly disappeared from planet earth I would still want sex at least 2 or 3 times a week. The only reason that my sex drive is directed at him right now is because I care about being in a relationship with him and I am generally monogamous. I don't mean that I am monogamous in a moral sense. I mean that throughout my life I have never had the tendency to have my sexuality directed at more than one male at a time.

UPDATE

My H's new view on our relationship is that we shouldn't divorce because as soon as he is through dealing with his current employment/financial problems he is going to start working on being sexual again. When I calmly pointed out to him that he makes decisions that put him into these kinds of crisis modes and that he has been LD even when his employment situation was good, he went completely ballistic and smashed a laundry basket and a trash can to bits and punched a hole in a drywall partition.

Earlier we had another discussion about how I'm not doing my part to improve our sexual relationship by being more seductive. I asked him if he could tell me 5 specific things I could do to be more attractive or seductive. He said "I know you think I should just naturally be attracted to you, but would it be beneath you to "slut it up" a bit when the kids aren't around?". Anyone on this BB who knows me well is probably thinking "WTF?" and that was my thought too. I said "Well, the other evening I took off my shirt and started fondling myself in front of you. I'm not sure if I know how to "slut it up" any more than that.". He said "That's not the kind of thing I'm talking about. That's not enough.". I replied "Well then you are going to have to be more specific because I don't want to be held to some nebulous standard of "be more attractive or seductive or slutty"". He said that it made him feel better that I might admit that I am not so sexy that he should automatically be attracted to me. He said that I would be more attractive if I showed more humility about my sexiness. I pointed out that he used to complain that I wasn't sexually confident enough and now he is complaining that I am too sexually confident and yet telling me that I need to "slut it up" some more. I just repeated that he was going to have to be more specific if he wanted me to honor his preferences in this regard.

I am so confused right now.