JJ posted this to me on Corri's thread, but I'm moving it here:
Quote:

My H and I have felt that passionate soul baring feeling from time to time as we've gone through this process. I think it's necessary, but you can't stay there forever or continuously. You have to use the knowledge or intimacy you gain from revealing yourself to your spouse to build something that will last through minor financial crises, weeks of boring commutes, cranky teenagers or gloomy days. This is the level on which my H and I have failed.

I believe this is the absolute crux of the matter.

This is what the NOPs and IHJ write about. They have managed to make the intimaty/emotional connection and as Mrs. NOP put it so well somewhere (sorry, can't keep threads straight sometimes), the HD/LD difference has become less apparent.

JJ, you say this is where you and your husband have failed. My question is: why? You said that y'all "have felt that passionate soul baring feeling from time to time," and of course we all know that you can't feel it constantly and every minute of the day, but the Schanrch-y approach AND the WWME approach is to create a structure in which that feeling can predictably appear on a regular basis. Not every day necessarily, but not randomly either. When the NOPs get into bed every night, they confront each other and prepare to meet... even if the connectivity doesn't happen every single time, they have enough confidence and experience by now to know that it is there and will be there and will be felt often enough to see them through the other times.

I think it's too superficial to reduce your marital crisis to "I'm HD and he's LD and for our marriage to work one or both of us will have to compromise in a way that damages our integrity."

There are couples who have great sex but little intimacy or emotional connection. Sometimes they split, and you hear, "The sex was great, but we just didn't have anything in common outside the bedroom, and the sex wasn't enough to keep us together." Frankly, that lover that I had for years was great, but we weren't in love, and I never would have married him. There were times when we really connected physically and I wanted to cry out,"I love you," but I knew I couldn't, because it was just a feeling rooted (as it were) in the moment. I wanted to be in love AND have great sex. <sigh>