Quote: As a regular recipient of duty sex, I can see why that turns you off.
Wildebube
I feel the same way, which is why I only end up having sex once or twice a year.
Dave, I do think she's reaching out to you, in her own yucky way. Many of us here need to decide whether "willingness" ranks higher on our needs scale than "true desire."
Choc., who was once invited to "go upstairs", but -- dammit -- we had a BUNGALOW
One of the things we've learned as a couple is that my W's desire follows arousal. Heck lot's of time, mine does too. So when she says she "willing" to go upstairs she's usually feeling "neutral" about the idea of LM. But 9 times out of 10, she DOES get into into it. Therefore, there really isn't a lot of "mercy sex" going on here. Maybe I can call it "mercy compliance" or something. I'm very satisfied with the quantity of sex right now. I would just like to be able to effectively seduce before we get into bed.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Many of us here need to decide whether "willingness" ranks higher on our needs scale than "true desire."
This may be one of those instances when the wide spectrum of what constitutes willingness can be causing some miscommunication. Ranging from the "barely showing up for the event" to being there in a way that "desire" is no longer the criteria because you can't tell the difference anymore.
It seems that the "barely showing up" is what most folks are equating with willing. That's just the first rung on the ladder.
It doesn't have to stay there.
In my opinion, regular sex (even if it's the barely there type) at least has you on the ladder. You build from there.
Unconnecting duty sex is just a big red blinking exclamation point indicating that the relationship is troubled. And perhaps it is all the responsibility of just one spouse. I don't know. It wasn't in our situation. Working with regular sex while working on the relationship gets you up the ladder faster.
What constitutes "true desire"? What does it look like? How is it expressed?
I don't know what HD folks feel. I do know that loving my husband in every way, has meant that between us now there is no discernable difference in actions or behaviors that would reveal which one of us was HD or LD. I think that's what NOP has expressed in his thread about desire.
Well said Mrs. Nop. I am the "HD" partner but I don't have rampant desire every moment either. I just leave open the possibility of sexual contact more often than my H, in my mind and in my body. In other words, I am usually "willing" - thus the 99% yes to 1% no ratio that HP mentioned somewhere. If both partners are willing to embrace the M in a sexual fashion and see what develops then who is LD and who is HD is a moot point.
I see Dave's dilemma about the proper interpretation of "Are you coming to bed?" - maybe the real answer this and similar questions are - "It depends." Not that it depends upon whether this is an initiation attempt or not but that it depends upon having a shared meaning upon entering the room.
