Quote: It most certainly is a contributing factor in why he felt the need to pull that ridiculous bar stuff. She is refusing to show him that she desires him. He is choosing to wig out and seek other validation so I'm not defending his actions. But she is, without a doubt, contributing to the situation.
I agree that her words were cutting and that needs to be addressed.
But.
If poorly chosen Action C (bar-shopping for flirtation) is a result of Contributing Factor B (wife using insensitive verbage that makes spouse feel undesirable), then can we consider the possibility of what Contributing Factor A (on AtlDave's part) that was the action/behaviors that precipitated wife's sucky comments?
In other words, letting someone's contributing factors be a justification of need to do something stupid or ill thought out, rather than directly addressing the original contributing factor is a copout.
She needs to be told of the damage that her remarks and attitude make. She needs to be called on it.
Quote: A need to feel sexually desirable to our mate is NOT an unrealistic expectation. And just because she has made strides in other areas does not get her off the hook in this one.
Where this gets wanky is when we want our spouse's desire to be tricked out in some paint-by-number expression of what constitutes desire - which oddly enough often seems to be a projection of one's own desire.
